Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

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Trump Suggests Supporters May Have To Kill Hillary Clinton If He’s Not Elected

No, this is not a satirical piece, it’s real.   This man belongs in a mental institution.  This is not a political campaign, it’s a hate-filled, disgusting freak show.  Check these articles out:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-clinton-shoot_us_57aa2f6de4b0ba7ed23dd652

http://www.cnn.com/2016/08/09/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-second-amendment/

Trump Admits He’s Playing Xenophobic, Bully Card

trump-bully

Puffy Hair Valley, Colorado.   Donald Trump today admitted he is playing the xenophobic/bully card to help him win the Republican nomination for President.   “Let’s face it,” Trump said earlier, “I’m a xenophobe and a bully, and I’m damn proud of it.  Being that there are so many other xenophobes and bullies in the Republican Party, I’d be a fool NOT to play this card to my advantage.  We xenophobic bullies are a much maligned minority.  We face continual harassment for our bullying behavior and xenophobic approach toward life.  Just because we believe white males are more American and have more claim on this country than women, Mexicans, blacks, liberals, Asians, Native Americans, people who speak with a stutter, and those with British accents does not make us less equal than other people.  In fact, it makes us better than them.  So, yes, I’m playing the xenophobic/bully card to gain the Republican nomination for the Presidency.  And, once it’s mine, I’ll play the same card, with a dash of misogyny tossed in, to win the Presidency of the United States.  God bless America, and God bless white, male, xenophobic bullies who hate women.”

Republican Apes

Bloodville, Transylvania.  Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.

1.) A Republican ape on global warming.

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I'm NOT Going To Listen!

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!

2.) A Republican porn star ape.

You Won't Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I'd Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There's A LOT More Bananas For Me!

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!

4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, "Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy."

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”

5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.

Democrats Make Great House Pets And Servants, Says This Republican Orangutan.

Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!

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