Trump Nukes London In Honor Of July 4th

Beautiful, Ain’t It?

Cleveland, Ohio.   President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July.  “Fuck England,” Trump said.  “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it!  I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly.   The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica.  Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT!  God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”

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NRA To Give Out Free Guns This 4th Of July

NRA Spokesman, Shoot'em Inda'head

NRA Spokesman, Shot’em Inda ‘Ead

Bloodbath City, Idaho.   Celebrate the Second Amendment and Freedom with the NRA this Fourth of July as they give out free guns to every American over the age of 5.   “We at da NRA are proud ta be ‘Mericans,” said NRA spokesman, Shot’em Inda ‘Ead this morning.  “So proud, in fact, dat we’ll be givin’ out guns ta everyone over 5 years ‘o age dis Fourth ‘o July at Christian churches all ‘cross ‘Merica!  Der ain’t no better way ta be free dan fer everyone over 5 ta be armed wit guns.  No better way ta keep our womenz from bein’ raped ‘n beaten by Obama dan ta be armed!  Armed iz free!  Free iz armed!  ‘N only glorified sissies ‘n terrorists tink odderwize.  So, dat’s dat.  Go ta yer friggin’ neighborhood Christian church on da Fourth, git yer free gun, ‘n kill a terrorist in celebration ov God, da Second Amendment, ‘n, most ‘portantly, FREEDOM!!!  Amen.”