Internet Stud PZ Myers Joins Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs

Fox News reporter, Phil O’Shite, reported this morning that internet super-stud, and former Pro Jello-Wrestler, PZ Myers has joined The Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs being spear-headed by Creationist and Abe Lincoln look-a-like, Ken Ham.

Ken, Abe Lincoln, Ham

Abe Lincoln Look-a-like, Ken Ham

“If this story is confirmed, it will make the first Moon Landing, in comparison, seem like one of those Jewish holidays Christians can never remember the name of,” said O’Shite. “The odds of something like this happening are so astronomically large, no one thought it worth the time to actually calculate them. And yet, here we are on the brink of having dinosaurs once again walk the planet. For if these two giants of the human intellect can’t find a way to send a breathing T-Rex into every Christian school in the country for a little show and tell, no one can. While we’re awaiting an official announcement from President Obama on this, let me provide a bit of background information on these two Hercules-like studs for the reader.

 

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

PZ Myers has had a few publicly embarrassing occurrences come his way in recent years, his abrupt, dramatic departure from a Skeptic movement no one knew existed, and his unsubstantiated claims to have had sexual encounters with female Yeti’s being but two of them. Ken Ham, as well, has had his struggles since coming to the States from Australia. His pet kangaroo, and body-guard, Lamont, has been pulled over for multiple DUI’s since arriving, causing Ken a great deal of frustration and shame, and just recently some idiot on the internet said he was going to eat him for Christmas dinner just to get a sick, cheap laugh from the few diseased minds out there who think cannibal humor is funny. So this joint venture to perform what is tantamount to a miracle is just what these two boys needed right about now. Still no word from the White House, so let me explain how dinosaur revival is expected to work.

First, Ken and PZ will crawl up to the edge of our very flat Earth; then, PZ will hold Ken upside down by his ankles so he can reach underneath the Earth to find, and remove, some dinosaur bones. These bones will then be place in a very special container, shaped like miniature Noah’s Arks, and filled with water. The miniature Arks will be placed in an empty parking lot near PZ’s house, and Ken will pray over them for God to allow the water within them to rehydrate the dinosaur bones back into living dinosaurs within 2 weeks, give or take a day. Sounds like a flawless plan to this Fox reporter, who just got word that not only has President Obama confirmed this story, he also has confirmed that Evolutionist, Richard Dawkins, has joined the Flat Earth/Creationist Movement to Revive The Dinosaurs.

 Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Apparently, PZ and Ken convinced Mr. Dawkins, with ease, that the Earth was only 6000 years old and flat. But Mr. Dawkins was unwilling to fully commit himself to the dinosaur revival mission until the three men could come to an agreement on just HOW flat the Earth, indeed, was. Ken Ham sealed the deal with Dawkins when he suggested the Earth was as flat as a ‘pancake,’ and Dawkins replied, ‘Who could argue with that?’ So stay tuned, folks, for news about when the dinosaurs first become revived. There can be no doubt it will happen, and soon, now that Dawkins’ genius has been added to that of Ham’s and Myers’.”

Scent Of Ham: The Ken Ham Cologne

Who Wouldn't Want To Think And Smell Like Ken Ham?

Who Wouldn’t Want To Think And Smell Like This Guy?

Men, would you like to attract women by emitting the scent of a Bronze Age Biblical writer? Women, would you find yourselves more eager to flop down and open your thighs for men if they smelled like Bronze Age Biblical writers? If you answered yes to these questions, then TACP store has just the product for you: Scent of Ham. A cologne that is guaranteed to make its wearer not only smell like Ken Ham, but think like him as well. Never before has there been a cologne that can reduce a man’s frontal cortex to the size of an amoeba while making his sweat glands as big as golf balls with one simple application. With one spray of Scent of Ham, even Richard Dawkins would be willing to stake his life on the fact the Earth is only 6000 years old and evolution is an atheist plot meant to prepare the world for the Anti-Christ. The primitive, manly aroma of Scent of Ham is so powerful, it can revive the sex drives of women who have been dead for centuries. They will literally leap from their graves as men wearing it pass by so they can get a better whiff before returning to the cold, dank earth. Buy a bottle now, while supplies last, and receive a free Crucifix, molded directly from the fossilized poop of a T-Rex, absolutely free!

I got A Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game For Christmas

 Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Help Ken Ham Get Through The Jurassic Era To Reality

Yesterday, Santa brought me the brand new, just released “Ken Ham Race To Reality Board Game.” It’s awesome. It comes with 4 Ken Ham figures, 6 T-Rex figures, a Jesus action figure, armed with an M-16, and a Mohammed action figure armed with a Koran and 2 commercial airline tickets. Here’s how you play the game. You lay out the Jurassic Era game board and place the Ken Ham figures in the “Creation Museum” section. Then you, and up to 3 other players, take turns rolling the enclosed dice. What ever number you roll is how many places forward you move your Ken Ham figure. The goal is to reach Richard Dawkins’ House on the other side of the board without landing on a T-Rex square and getting eaten, or landing on a Mohammed square and getting forced into an airplane during a Jihad attack before you get there.

Help Ken Ham Get To Reality And Keep Him Smiling

Keep Ken Smiling By Getting Him Safely Through The Game

If Mohammed does get you or you are eaten by a T-Rex, you have to draw Bible cards, included with the game, each time your turn comes up until you get one that says,”Jesus saves!” You then simply have Jesus sacrifice himself and take Ken’s place with Mohammed or inside the T-Rex’s stomach.

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself If Ken Gets Taken

Get Jesus To Sacrifice Himself And Take Ken’s Place

You can only do this twice during the game, however, before you’re considered an irredeemable Creationist and sent back to the museum permanently. Sounds like hours of fun, eh?  I’m going to play the game tonight with some of my a-theist, amoral, cannibal friends while we dine on Christian infants and drink the blood of Christian virgins.

Upcoming Movies For 2015

coming-in-2015We here at TACP have recently gotten into the movie producing business. We have several films in various stages of production that we plan on releasing in 2015. A few of them are listed and described below.

Barack Obama And The Temple of Doom: Plot: President Obama and his band of Howling Commandos invade the Tea Party’s Temple of Doom, AKA, the state of Texas, in search of the long-lost “Holy Grail Of Socialized Medicine.” If Barack and his boys recover the Grail before the Conservative Tea Party members can melt it down into buck shot, every American citizen will have equal access to quality health care; if not, things remain as they are, unfair, unequal, and shitty for the poor and unemployed. Staring President Obama and Governor Rick Perry as themselves. Directed by Stephen Spielberg.

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

President Obama In His Iconic Fedora

The Odd Couple Redux: Plot: Old college buddies, Jesus, the Son of God and Richard Dawkins are kicked out of their homes by their respective spouses and are forced to live together in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan in order to make ends meet. Hilarious adventures ensue as Jesus, a very anal retentive neat freak, tries to put up with atheist Dawkins’ sloppy lifestyle and blasphemous rants. It all comes to a riotous climax when Jesus discovers Dawkins in bed with his (Jesus’) ex-wife, Mary Magdalene. Staring Jesus Christ and Richard Dawkins as themselves and Miley Cyrus as Mary Magdalene. Directed by me, TACP.

A 21st Century Odd Couple

A 21st Century Odd Couple

Marvel’s Avengers: Age Of Cheney: Plot: The Avengers must fight their deadliest foe yet when former VP Dick Cheney reveals himself to be the villainous Doctor Doom and declares himself the sole ruler of the United States. Will even the combined might of Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, and Captain America be enough to stop Cheney before he wipes the last liberal democrat in America from the face of the Earth? Staring Dick Cheney as Doctor Doom and The Avengers as themselves. Directed by Joss Whedon.

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Dick Cheney Is The Evil Doctor Doom

Pedophile Priests V Predator: Plot: The Vatican sends 8 pedophile rapist priests into space in order to protect them from legal prosecution for their crimes. The rapists’ joy at avoiding prosecution quickly dims, however, when they find their ship has landed on the home world of the Predator. It is now they who become the prey of a far older and more cunning predator than any of them ever dreamed of being during their days as child rapists. Staring: Pope Emeritus Benedict as “The Pope,” and The Predator as himself. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

Pedophile Priests Are Now On This Guy's Kill List

Pedophile Priests Are Definitely On This Guy’s Kill List

Fini, for now.

Elmer Fudd Says, “Be Verwee, Verwee Quite. I’m Hunting Wiberals!”

Elmer Fudd, the beloved Warner Bros cartoon character, announced today that he will no longer hunt for his elusive arch nemesis, Bugs Bunny. Instead, Mr. Fudd stated, he will point his rifle at targets easier to hit, namely, liberals, a-theists and anyone having ever read a book by Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins. “Bugs was just too hard to kill,” Mr. Fudd said. “Wiberals and dose who don’t beeweeve in our Ward Jeebus Chwist are easier to kill and deserb to die fer der horrible beweefs.”

Be Verwee Quite! I'm Hunting Wiberals!

Be Verwee Quite! I’m Hunting Wiberals!

It’s uncertain how seriously Mr. Fudd’s threat should be taken, however, because he is only a cartoon character firing cartoon bullets. Thus, the likelihood of anyone actually being hurt by him is practically nonexistent.