Tag Archives: atheist cannibal infant eating

05.12.14
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A Modest Proposal to The Abortion Problem

Make abortion illegal but the eating of infants legal. What do pro-lifers love most? Fetuses. What could they care less about? Infants. Thus, by making abortion illegal, we make pro-lifers happy, and by making the consumption of  infants legal, we make barbaric atheist infant eaters like me happy too. Pregnant but don’t want a baby? No need to worry. Just pop the little tart out, get it, “pop tart”, then simply give it to an atheist near you so he or she can make a sandwich out of it.

Pro-lifers Love These,

Problem Solved: Since Pro-lifers Love These,

But Can Care Less About These.

But Could Care Less About These, Make Abortion Illegal,

And Atheists Love These, So My Solution Is Perfect, Eh.

And The Eating Of Infants Legal.

Awesome solution to a big problem, don’t ya think? And I don’t yet have a Nobel Prize, why?

05.10.14
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Restraining Orders: They Haunt Me Like A Plague

These Really Cramp My Style

My Black Plague

As most of the world knows, I like to bother people. Well, I guess it’s more of an uncontrolled obsession than a “like” really, and, as my criminal psychologist always tells me, it is, in reality, a pathological sickness that isn’t as funny as I think it as. But fuck him. What does some shrink working for “The Man” know about what’s funny, eh? I know funny. And God damn it all to Hell, the following restraining orders I’ve had filed against me in recent months are fucking hilarious. And they’re all real, too. Cause, as most of the world also knows about me, I never lie or make shit up just for the sake of making shit up. So, without further ado, here’s a list of real restraining orders that are currently in place and restraining my behavior. Legally.

1.) Morgan Freeman, the actor, has an order against me stating I must cease asking him to be my Dad. I’ve been sending him countless emails, letters, singing telegrams, and strip-o-grams begging him to be my Dad cause my real father was an asshole. I just want Mr. Freeman to take me fishing once or twice and tell me I’m good. Why in fuck’s name does he need to know who I am to do this? Really, why? Well, I guess I won’t know until 2020 when the restraining order is lifted. But I’m like Al Qaeda in that I’ve got more patience than sense and waiting to get my way has never been an issue for me.

I'd Rather Go Blind Than Read Another, "Please Be My Dad Email!"

I’d Rather Go Blind Than Read Another,”Please Be My Dad Emails!”

2.) Ian McKellen has a similar order against me for the exact same reason as Mr. Freeman. Only Mr. McKellen’s was filed in Britain and has a cool accent when you read it out loud.

Why Me?

Why Me?

3.) The Nobel Prize Committee has an order against me which allows them to shoot me dead if I’m anywhere within 1000 miles of any of them at any time ever. That order has no end date, so I don’t know when I’ll get my award. But I will. Believe me, I will.

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

4.) Christians have an order against me which states I can not capture and eat their babies or I can be arrested. Apparently, Christian parents don’t know just how fucking delicious their babies are, cause if they did, they’d be eating them right along with me. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

I've Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

I’ve Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

Bye for now.

 

04.16.14
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Neil deGrasse Tyson Accused Of Being A Cannibal By Christian Rights Activist

The latest non-believer in the conservative Christian dog house, “Cosmos” host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, was accused this morning of being a cannibal by a Christian rights activist named Mary Slickpusie. “Mr. Tyson walked up to me last night as I was nailing a sign to his front door reading, ‘Stop Polluting God’s Children With Lies About Evolution Or We’ll Kill You,’ and gave me the most evil look I’ve ever seen, anyone give anyone, ever,” Ms. Slickpusie said to reporters this morning.”The look was so filled with the evil power of Satan, it allowed Mr. Tyson to project his thoughts into my mind telepathically. Once there, he informed me he hated Jesus so much he ate Christian babies, alive, every night just to make him cry.

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won't Be An Infant I'll Be Eating!

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won’t Be An Infant I’ll Be Eating!

Neil Tyson should be arrested, castrated, and fed alive to starving crocodiles for projecting his thoughts into my mind without asking for permission and for cannibalizing Christian infants on a nightly basis. And just in case no one’s noticed, Mr. Tyson is black. That alone is enough to convict and hang him in some Conservative, Christian States. Thus, I’m asking that the FBI and the CIA join forces immediately to hunt down and kill Neil deGrasse Tyson and bring an end to his campaign of hate against Jesus, the Bible, and racist, conservative, richer than any Liberal will ever be, Christians once and for all. Amen, and Hallelujah!”