Meet Gus O’Pinon, The Opinionated Guy

Gus O'pinion Gives His Opinion On Apple Collecting

Gus O’pinon Giving His Opinion On Apple Collecting

Howdy y’all. My name is Gus O’pinon and I gots me a ‘pinion on ever’thin’ there is, wus, or ever’s gonna be. I gots me a 5th grade edjucashun to back it all up, too. I been dishin’ out ‘pinions ever since my momma squeezed me outta ‘er ‘gina in a Fort Wayne, Indiana, tool shed 47 year’ ago. Matter ‘o fact, my momma tol’ me I said my firs’ words the minute I come outta ‘er: “Fer Chris’ sake,” I said, “dat wus a helluva trip!” So grab a brew, sit yerself back, and relax. I’m gonna give y’all some ‘o my more pop’lar ‘pinions on things, and my ‘pinion on that is, yer gonna love it.


1.) Global warming: If yer friggin’ globe is gettin’ warm, put da dang thing in yer fridge fer a few hours ta cool it off. Don’t make no damn sense t’all why so many people worry ’bout somethin’ dats so easy ta fix. Aint thinkin’ is all. Silly.

2.) The Tea Party: Now ‘eres a batch ‘o knuckleheads if I’d ever seen ’em. Group of folk havin’ a dang party jus’ ta drink tea?! Fer Chris’ sake, how dumb kin ya be? If yer gonna have a god dang party and not be drinkin’ whiskey, then ya ain’t havin’ a real party, and I’m dang happy y’all didn’t invite me. Again, what’s the fuss all ’bout? These folk are BORIN’! Dats all I gots ta say on dat.

3.) Gay Marriage: Hell, my Uncle Jody dated a billy-goat named Sally for 16 years. He was da happiest man I ever knowed, too. People dat are all grewed up knows what makes ’em happy. Ain’t none ‘o our biz’ness ta tellz people who ta love and who ta marry. Dats dat. God dang it all!

4.) Legalized Marijuana: I been smokin’ weed ever since my momma ‘n me started growin’ it to supplement our moonshine sellin’ when I was no more ‘n 7. I say keep it illegal ta sell ’cause dat way, momma ‘n me kin keep on makin’ all the money we makes sellin’ it. Ain’t no fool gonna git from us what he kin git in a drug store all legal like. Git my meanin’?

5.) Evolution vs Creationism: Anybody ‘volved enough ta read da damn Bible outta be smart ’nuff ta see it don’t make no damn sense a’tall ta believe what der readin’ is meant ta be takin’ literal like. Some dang idjits just can’t not be idjits. I’d rather talk ta a skeeter dats bitin’ me than one ‘o those creation types. Idjits. The whole lot of ’em are gosh dang idjits. And dat is all I gots ta say on dat. I’ll be back ta give y’all more ‘o my ‘pinions in a week or so. ‘Bye fer now.





Young Earthers And Flat Earthers Unite In Bold Defiance Of Reality

In a reason-defying new development, Young Earthers have joined forces with Flat Earthers and decreed that not only is the Earth much younger than the 4.5 billion years scientists say it is, it is also as flat as any note sung by Russell Crowe in the film version of “Les Miserables”.

Earth As It Truly Is

Earth Today

Rev. Dick Izhard, spokesman for the new Flat/Young Earthers Society, released this statement a few hours ago. “First of all, let me say that the Earth is young. Very young. God just made it about 6 years ago. This 4.5 billion years stuff is just ludicrous. Where is the evidence for this? Nowhere. Earth is only 6 years old people. Deal with it. As well, the Earth is not round. It is flat. It was round, and hot, when God first made it, but it flattened rapidly as it cooled. There is no valid argument that can be made against this. We are standing on flat ground aren’t we? Could we stand like this on a big round ball? Hell no! We’d be on our asses. Case closed. Earth is flat.

Earth On Its Birthday, 6 Years Ago

Earth’s B-Day, 6 Years Ago. It Flattened As It Cooled

We believers in a young, flat Earth insist that our beliefs be taught in every public school in America. This will ensure all children learn the only truth about the world God made for them. We know we are absolutely right in what we believe because for many months, in closed small rooms, we meditated, denied ourselves sleep, and starved ourselves while asking God to enlighten us to the real truth about the Earth. Well, He did. And, now, we intend to force this truth on to you and your family.

Oh, and we, like God, hate gay people. And though that particular issue has nothing to do with what’s been discussed here, we felt compelled to mention it because gays are the spawn of Satan and you have to watch out or they’ll convert you to their hideous life style. Thank you for your time. We hope to be teaching our beliefs shortly in your children’s schools. Amen.”

What God Hates, We Hate

What God Hates, We Hate

Plate Tectonics Ridiculous, Says Creationist

Fantasy Image Of Continents Drifting On Currents Of Hot Coffee Created By Scientists On A Heroin Binge

Fantasy Image Of Plate Tectonics Created By Geologists On Drugs

“Plate Tectonics is an example of the paranoid nonsense geologists throw at us as explanations for how the Earth works,” said Creationist and exotic dancer, Anita B. Job today. “It takes less than a single functioning brain cell to see that geologists, like biologists, are drug abusers, gamblers, and sociopaths. This is why they expect rational, sober Christians, like me, to believe the Earth is made up of large tectonic plates which are slowly moving atop the viscous, molten material of the Earth’s upper mantle. Clearly, and without refute, the REAL explanation for how the continents of the Earth move is quite simple: God moves them with the help of his prized Oxen, Butt-licker (See illustration below).

Oxen Of God Pulling Continent Of Africa To Its Current Location, circa 1988.

Butt-licker Moving Africa To Its Current Location, circa 1988.

God went through a great deal of effort to create Butt-licker, and he’s been busy for all 6000 years of the Earth’s existence moving the continents around whenever God’s asked him to. It is an affront to my beliefs as a Christian, and as an exotic dancer, to expect me to accept a scientific theory like plate tectonics as believable. Utterly and completely preposterous!  That’s what I say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a strip-pole to grease up for tonight’s show.”

Christian Militant Group To Host Book Burning Saturday

Christian Militants Say, Be Like A Nazi: Burn A Book

Christian Militants Say, Be A Nazi: Burn A Book

Omaha, Nebraska.   A Christian militant group calling itself “Whites With Guns For Christ” is hosting a book burning/barbecue this Saturday in Omaha. The group hopes to eliminate 50 to 60 percent of all books in Nebraska with the word “evolution” in them with the event. Group spokesman, Thaddeus Dingledoddle, had this to say on the matter, “It’s all about love, people. Love. Love of Jesus. Love of guns. And love of America. Books that are about evolution or even mention evolution are evil and were written by people with sick, diseased minds. Since we can’t yet burn the people who write such garbage, we’ve chosen to burn their books instead. Only those who know the true love and the all-encompassing Grace of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, should be allowed to share their ideas in writing. It worked for Adolf, and it can work for us. Amen.”

Some Links To Illustrate American’s Are Indeed, Dumb

Below I’ve provide but a small sampling of links to articles which illustrate the dumbness of Americans. I love being an American and value greatly the rights I have as one. But there is no excuse for the most powerful and the wealthiest nation on the planet to have so many of its citizens so lacking in knowledge and critical reasoning skills. No bloody excuse at all.,0,3199830.story





Neil deGrasse Tyson Accused Of Being A Cannibal By Christian Rights Activist

The latest non-believer in the conservative Christian dog house, “Cosmos” host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, was accused this morning of being a cannibal by a Christian rights activist named Mary Slickpusie. “Mr. Tyson walked up to me last night as I was nailing a sign to his front door reading, ‘Stop Polluting God’s Children With Lies About Evolution Or We’ll Kill You,’ and gave me the most evil look I’ve ever seen, anyone give anyone, ever,” Ms. Slickpusie said to reporters this morning.”The look was so filled with the evil power of Satan, it allowed Mr. Tyson to project his thoughts into my mind telepathically. Once there, he informed me he hated Jesus so much he ate Christian babies, alive, every night just to make him cry.

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won't Be An Infant I'll Be Eating!

Nail Another Sign On My Door, Bitch, And It Won’t Be An Infant I’ll Be Eating!

Neil Tyson should be arrested, castrated, and fed alive to starving crocodiles for projecting his thoughts into my mind without asking for permission and for cannibalizing Christian infants on a nightly basis. And just in case no one’s noticed, Mr. Tyson is black. That alone is enough to convict and hang him in some Conservative, Christian States. Thus, I’m asking that the FBI and the CIA join forces immediately to hunt down and kill Neil deGrasse Tyson and bring an end to his campaign of hate against Jesus, the Bible, and racist, conservative, richer than any Liberal will ever be, Christians once and for all. Amen, and Hallelujah!”


Cosmos TV Show Is Dumb And Stupid, Says Southern Christian Pastor

Backwater, Tennessee. An outspoken, and very angry, Southern Christian pastor, The Reverend James Tightsphincter, is claiming the new version of “Cosmos” is not only dumb, it’s stupid.

Reverend James Tightsphincter

Reverend James Tightsphincter

“First off,” Mr. Tightsphincter said this morning, “Mike Tyson is a gosh darned ex-boxer and a convicted felon! What in the H E double toothpicks makes him qualified to host a program about the cosmos? Really?! I mean COME ON!!! Secondly, it is HIGHLY insulting to air such, excuse my French, crud on TV because it is demeaning to Christians like me who are very, very smart and know that the Bible is the ONLY truth there is to EVER know about space and stuff! OOH!!!! I’m telling you, I could poop nickles right about now, I’m so mad!!! Does Mike Tyson think, that just because he’s a big, bad tough guy with a tattooed face, that he can go on TV and tell people lies about the origin of man?! That no good-nick! God made man, and he made him 6000 years ago. That’s an undeniable fact, Mr. Heavyweight Man! And that, excuse my French again, crud you said about the universe being billions of years old is also NOT true. You liar, liar pants on fire, you! There’s harm in telling such lies, pal. They have frightened and angered my poor Jesus loving children SOOOO much, they stormed the local library and pee-peed on every book they found which contained pictures of boxers and/or stars in it.

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

You are dumb, Mr. Mike Tyson! And one day, you’ll get your comeuppance because I, and many other Southern Christian conservatives like me, have really, really big guns and we KNOW how to use them! We are not afraid Mr. Blasphemer. We are not afraid of you one tiny bit. Now why don’t you put that on your stupid TV show and smoke it, eh?