Land of the Iron Heads, Maryland. Right wing conspiracy expert, Alex Jones announced today that the month of September isn’t real and is, instead, proof that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and singer Tom Jones are powerful, mind-controlling wizards who are trying to turn conservatives into hamsters. “It’s true,” Mr. Jones said earlier. “September is simply a smoke screen created by Obama, Clinton, and Tom Jones to confuse conservatives whilst they sneak up on us and use their powerful magic to turn us into Hamsters.” When told that this theory made absolutely no sense, Jones replied, “Saying the theory makes no sense is the same thing as shouting out to the world, ‘I’m a liberal dog, and I want to see conservatives turned into hamsters!’ ” When then asked to explain, if September isn’t real, then what month are we in right now, Jones retorted, “Obviously, only liberal idiots don’t know we’re still in August, the only month of the year with 62 days. Get with the program, or admit you’d like to see conservatives like me turned into hamsters.” The interview ended with me agreeing that, yes, I would indeed like to see conservatives like Mr. Jones turned into hamsters. Jones then threw some shredded hay he’d been nibbling on at me and exited the interview.