Restraining Orders: They Haunt Me Like A Plague

These Really Cramp My Style

My Black Plague

As most of the world knows, I like to bother people. Well, I guess it’s more of an uncontrolled obsession than a “like” really, and, as my criminal psychologist always tells me, it is, in reality, a pathological sickness that isn’t as funny as I think it as. But fuck him. What does some shrink working for “The Man” know about what’s funny, eh? I know funny. And God damn it all to Hell, the following restraining orders I’ve had filed against me in recent months are fucking hilarious. And they’re all real, too. Cause, as most of the world also knows about me, I never lie or make shit up just for the sake of making shit up. So, without further ado, here’s a list of real restraining orders that are currently in place and restraining my behavior. Legally.

1.) Morgan Freeman, the actor, has an order against me stating I must cease asking him to be my Dad. I’ve been sending him countless emails, letters, singing telegrams, and strip-o-grams begging him to be my Dad cause my real father was an asshole. I just want Mr. Freeman to take me fishing once or twice and tell me I’m good. Why in fuck’s name does he need to know who I am to do this? Really, why? Well, I guess I won’t know until 2020 when the restraining order is lifted. But I’m like Al Qaeda in that I’ve got more patience than sense and waiting to get my way has never been an issue for me.

I'd Rather Go Blind Than Read Another, "Please Be My Dad Email!"

I’d Rather Go Blind Than Read Another,”Please Be My Dad Emails!”

2.) Ian McKellen has a similar order against me for the exact same reason as Mr. Freeman. Only Mr. McKellen’s was filed in Britain and has a cool accent when you read it out loud.

Why Me?

Why Me?

3.) The Nobel Prize Committee has an order against me which allows them to shoot me dead if I’m anywhere within 1000 miles of any of them at any time ever. That order has no end date, so I don’t know when I’ll get my award. But I will. Believe me, I will.

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

NOTHING Will Stop My Demands For My Award! NOTHING!

4.) Christians have an order against me which states I can not capture and eat their babies or I can be arrested. Apparently, Christian parents don’t know just how fucking delicious their babies are, cause if they did, they’d be eating them right along with me. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

I've Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

I’ve Been Ordered To Cut Back On These Or Face Imprisonment

Bye for now.


16 thoughts on “Restraining Orders: They Haunt Me Like A Plague

  1. Perhaps you could strike a deal with sir Ian McKellen: have him put in a good word for you at the Nobel Prize committee in exchange for you leaving him alone. Simultaneously strike up a deal with the Nobel Prize Committee, asking them the deliver you Morgan Freeman in exchange for leaving them alone. If timed properly, you should get all you want;)


  2. …”filed in Britain, and has a cool accent when you read it out loud”

    I got me a chuckle out of that 🙂

    …hey my wife speaks Spanish fluently if you need a translator.


  3. I see your #3 and I just have two words for you: TRY HARDER! Perhaps you need to email them, call them, write them, and send some telegrams, several times a week. They certainly can’t shoot you if you do those things 🙂 You’ll break down the Nobel committee for sure!


  4. There should be more restraining orders for you!


  5. Send me countless strip-o-grams and I’ll be your Dad – no question of a restraining order.


  6. Reblogged this on The Daily Pause and commented:
    As a “Christ” follower and fellow blogger, I could only forgive your bothersome behavior towards Christians and their yummy babies.


  7. Good to see you back, my bothersome friend.


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