As most of the world knows, I like to bother people. Well, I guess it’s more of an uncontrolled obsession than a “like” really, and, as my criminal psychologist always tells me, it is, in reality, a pathological sickness that isn’t as funny as I think it as. But fuck him. What does some shrink working for “The Man” know about what’s funny, eh? I know funny. And God damn it all to Hell, the following restraining orders I’ve had filed against me in recent months are fucking hilarious. And they’re all real, too. Cause, as most of the world also knows about me, I never lie or make shit up just for the sake of making shit up. So, without further ado, here’s a list of real restraining orders that are currently in place and restraining my behavior. Legally.
1.) Morgan Freeman, the actor, has an order against me stating I must cease asking him to be my Dad. I’ve been sending him countless emails, letters, singing telegrams, and strip-o-grams begging him to be my Dad cause my real father was an asshole. I just want Mr. Freeman to take me fishing once or twice and tell me I’m good. Why in fuck’s name does he need to know who I am to do this? Really, why? Well, I guess I won’t know until 2020 when the restraining order is lifted. But I’m like Al Qaeda in that I’ve got more patience than sense and waiting to get my way has never been an issue for me.
2.) Ian McKellen has a similar order against me for the exact same reason as Mr. Freeman. Only Mr. McKellen’s was filed in Britain and has a cool accent when you read it out loud.
3.) The Nobel Prize Committee has an order against me which allows them to shoot me dead if I’m anywhere within 1000 miles of any of them at any time ever. That order has no end date, so I don’t know when I’ll get my award. But I will. Believe me, I will.
4.) Christians have an order against me which states I can not capture and eat their babies or I can be arrested. Apparently, Christian parents don’t know just how fucking delicious their babies are, cause if they did, they’d be eating them right along with me. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!
Bye for now.