Ask A Fetus

Dear Fetus, I’ve a serious problem I hope you can help me with. There’s a group of young ruffian kids who constantly run all over my lawn and tear it up. I’ve yelled at them; set bear traps to catch and seriously injure them, and fired multiple rounds of buck shot at them, all to no avail. They mock me with their very existence, and, if they do not stop tearing up my lawn, I will completely lose every shred of sanity I have left. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this unbearable torture I endure a few days out of every summer? Thanks in advance, The Reverend Jerome “Grouchy” Oldman

 

Dear Jerome, you think you’ve got problems?! I’m a fetus! A f**kin’ FETUS! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order a pizza when you’re a fetus? Do you?! Well, let me tell you. First, I’m surrounded by embryonic fluid which is constantly f**king up my iPhone. I’ve had to replace the f**kin’ thing 3 times since I was a zygote. 3 f**kin’ times! Next, try ordering a pizza to be delivered to the address: “My mother’s belly.” “Which mother’s belly?” They always ask. Well, how in f**k’s name would I know. I’m a f**kin’ FETUS! I’m INSIDE a womb. I’ve no idea whose womb yet because I can’t f**kin’ see her face! Jesus Christ! It sucks, Jerome! It really f**kin’ sucks! Compared to your “lawn” issue, this one’s far, far worse. So, next time you want to ask me a question, ask me a serious one or f**k off. Hope this helps. Love always, a Fetus

Ask The Batman

Hi Batman. My name is Ronald Rodslimp Wrinkleberry. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve a question for you. For some reason, girls don’t seem to take a hankerin’ to me. I try very hard to get them to notice me, but they act as if I’m not even there. I’m thinking of becoming a crime-fighting vigilante, like you, in order to make myself more attractive and noticeable to girls. Can you please give me some tips on how to do this, as I really have no idea where to begin. Thanks.

 

Thanks for your question, Ronald. Unfortunately, because of multiple lawsuits I’m currently involved in, I can’t answer your question.  But, I can say this.  Give up on trying so hard to get girls to be interested in you.  I’m a dark, disturbed, bad-ass of a billionaire who gets babes to fall all over him like drops of rain on a Spring morning.  You’re nothing like me, and no amount of crime-fighting advice is gonna change that.  So, just be yourself; enjoy your comics and your video games, and stop pestering girls.  They really don’t like it.  OK?    Sincerely, The Batman

Ask Ralph, The Raunchy Rat

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I'm a person who loves to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I've suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I'm having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddammit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to without having to move to a different apartment complex to do it. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move. Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I love to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 or 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I’ve suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I’m having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddamnit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move.    Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You've come to right rat. Here's what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. "HEY, SHIT FACE!! I'm gonna smoke in my fuckin' apartment. I'm not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I'm gonna get my friend, Ralph The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Matha Brownlung. Now get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch. Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you'll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke. Have a great day, Ralph The Raunchy Rat

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You’ve come to the right rat. Here’s what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. “HEY, SHIT FACE!! I’m gonna smoke in my fuckin’ apartment. I’m not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I’m gonna get my friend, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Martha Brownlung. Now, get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch!”   Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you’ll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke.   Have a great day, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat.

Ask Hulk

Hi Hulk. My name's Timmy the Toddler and I've an issue I'm hoping you can help me with. See, I like cookies. Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity. However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don't care what she thinks, I still want the friggin' cookies. Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies? Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

Hi Hulk.  My name’s Timmy the Toddler and I’ve an issue I’m hoping you can help me with.  See, I like cookies.  Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity.  However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don’t care what she thinks, I still want the friggin’ cookies.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies?    Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

 

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question. Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week. And here's the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?! Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?! You'd quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday. Is THAT what you want?! Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart. Listen to her, respect her, and for god's sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!! Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question.  Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week.  And here’s the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?!  Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?!  You’d quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday.  Is THAT what you want?!  Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart.  Listen to her, respect her, and for god’s sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!!    Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

 

Ask Cryptic Kenny

Another new advice column from your pals at The Arm Chair Pontificator.

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I'm having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I've yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won't. My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers. I'm rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don't have much money to spend on a weapon. Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation? Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I’m having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I’ve yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won’t.  My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers in the head.  I’m rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don’t have much money to spend on a weapon.  Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation?   Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

 

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question. The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X. I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer. Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question.  The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X.  I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer.   Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

Ask Yahweh

Now for another new advice column: Ask Yahweh.

Dear Yahweh, my name is Daisy Sue McGiggles, and I was wondering why there's so much pain and suffering in the world? You created it, right? So why did my Grannie have to die last year, and why is my Daddy always grouchy when he comes home from work? Why, Yahweh? Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Oh, one last thing, please have a Merry Christmas, OK? Love always, Your Creation, Daisy Sue McGiggles

Dear Yahweh, my name is Daisy Sue McGiggles, and I was wondering why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world? You created the world and made it like this, right?  So why did my Granny have to die last year, and why is my Daddy always grouchy when he comes home from work? Why, Yahweh? Why?! Why?! Why?!  Oh, one last thing, please have a Merry Christmas, OK?   Love always, Your Creation, Daisy Sue McGiggles

 

Dear Daisy Sue McGiggles, up yer nose with a friggin' rubber hose, OK?! How the fudge sticks are you to ask me friggin' questions like those? What are you, like 3 years old? I tell ya' what Daisy Sue, you seem like a good lass so I'm gonna let your REALLY annoying questions pass this time. But the next time you ask me a question without kissing my old, wrinkled butt and swearing your undying love to me FIRST, I'm gonna turn yer Mom into a spider and yer Teddy Bear into a flesh eating ghoul. Ya' got it, kiddo? I'm Yahweh, dammit! And I'm NOT to be questioned! I'm the King and I do what I want, OK? Oh, and I hope you and your family have a blessed and safe Christmas, too. Love always, your Creator, Yahweh.

Dear Daisy Sue McGiggles, up yer nose with a friggin’ rubber hose, OK?!  Who the fudge sticks are you to ask ME friggin’ questions like those?  What are you, like 3 years old?  I tell ya’ what Daisy Sue, you seem like a good lass so I’m gonna let your REALLY annoying questions pass this time.  But the next time you ask me a question without kissing my old, wrinkled butt and swearing your undying love to me FIRST, I’m gonna turn yer Mom into a spider and yer Teddy Bear into a flesh-eating ghoul.  Ya’ got that, kiddo?  I’m Yahweh, dammit!  YAH-FRICKIN’-WEH!  And I’m NOT to be questioned!  I be da King, and I do what I want, when I want. OK?  Oh, and I hope you and your family have a blessed and safe Christmas, too.   Love Always, Your Creator, Yahweh

Advice From An Average Atheist

Now for our latest advice column,  Advice From An Average Atheist

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year's War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last year, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012. Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas.  Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012?  Just wondering so I can be prepared.     Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy  

 

 Young Billy, this is WAR! Though I'm glad you asked your question, I can't any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I'll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Thanks for asking your question, and have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours in insipid evil, An Average Atheist

Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR!  Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS.  You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy.  Beware the trees.  Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question.  Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year.   Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist