Ask A Cadaver

Dear Cadaver, I’ve got a bit of a conundrum I hope you can help me with.  See, this Friday, I’ve several guests coming to the Vatican for a party.  My understanding is some of these guests are vegan and others are red meat lovers.  What in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ am I to serve them for dinner?  I don’t wish to offend the vegans by having red, cooked meat dripping delicious juices right next to a meatless eggplant parmesan.  I’m simply LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS!  What do you suggest I do?  Thank you, and may God bless you, Pope Francis, Vatican City, Italy

 

My dearest Pope Francis, thanks for the question.  Being a cadaver, I can readily understand your problem in dealing with dinner guests with varying palates.  You see, some people actually find my very presence at the dinner table, any dinner table, to be appalling.  “This f**kin’ dude is dead,” I often hear. “How in f**k’s name do you expect me to eat next to a decaying dead guy?  He f**kin’ SMELLS.”  The deep emotional pain these types of statements cause me is indescribable.  I’ve learned over the years, Pope Francis, that there’s no way to please everyone who’ll be at your dinner party.  Thus, I suggest you simply do what I do: serve whatever the f**k you want, and, if anyone complains about it and hurts your feelings,  puke up a handful of maggots and toss them on the table.  I f**kin’ guarantee you the last friggin’ thing your guests will be worried about after that is what’s for supper or whether or not their host is a cadaver.  I hope you find this advice helpful.  Yours in good health, a Cadaver

Ask A Virus

Dear Virus, I’m a young woman who’s just graduated from college with a Liberal Arts degree.  Many people warned me that taking out 80 thousand dollars in loans to get this degree was not a bright idea as Liberal Arts degrees don’t sell well in today’s job market.  I’m hoping this is wrong and that someone out there will hire me for my intelligence and my high level of critical reasoning skills.  Surely, these are values still valued in today’s America.  What are your thoughts on this matter?   Please let me know.
Thanks, Susan Wannaberger, a recent college grad.

 

Dear Ms. Wannaberger, first, let me say….AAAAACHOOO!!!…(Excuse me, I’ve a terrible head cold).  Now, where was I?  Oh, right, let me say this first: I never got to go to college.  See, being a virus and all, I’ve been horribly discriminated against my whole life.  I barely made it outta high school, and no college wanted anything to do with me afterwards.  People dread being near me because they think I’m going to make them sick.  I grew up hearing things like.  “Don’t go near Virus, he’ll make ya’ puke!” and, “I sat next to Virus yesterday in class, and he gave me cooties!” Life, for me, has been dreadfully sad and lonely.  I ask you this: Hath not a virus eyes? Hands? Extremities? If you prick us, do we not bleed?  If you scorn us, do we not hurt and feel shitty?  Of course we do. AAAACHOOO!!! (Pardon me).  So, you see, Ms. Wannaberger, my troubles far outweigh yours. If you want to put your 80 thousand dollar Liberal Arts degree to work for you, get a Social Service job and help poor, lonely viruses like me find comfort in a cold world that hates us simply because we exist.   Hope you find this helpful. Have a grand day.  Yours always,
A Virus.

 

Ask A Fetus

Dear Fetus, I’ve a serious problem I hope you can help me with. There’s a group of young ruffian kids who constantly run all over my lawn and tear it up. I’ve yelled at them; set bear traps to catch and seriously injure them, and fired multiple rounds of buck shot at them, all to no avail. They mock me with their very existence, and, if they do not stop tearing up my lawn, I will completely lose every shred of sanity I have left. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this unbearable torture I endure a few days out of every summer? Thanks in advance, The Reverend Jerome “Grouchy” Oldman

 

Dear Jerome, you think you’ve got problems?! I’m a fetus! A f**kin’ FETUS! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order a pizza when you’re a fetus? Do you?! Well, let me tell you. First, I’m surrounded by embryonic fluid which is constantly f**king up my iPhone. I’ve had to replace the f**kin’ thing 3 times since I was a zygote. 3 f**kin’ times! Next, try ordering a pizza to be delivered to the address: “My mother’s belly.” “Which mother’s belly?” They always ask. Well, how in f**k’s name would I know. I’m a f**kin’ FETUS! I’m INSIDE a womb. I’ve no idea whose womb yet because I can’t f**kin’ see her face! Jesus Christ! It sucks, Jerome! It really f**kin’ sucks! Compared to your “lawn” issue, this one’s far, far worse. So, next time you want to ask me a question, ask me a serious one or f**k off. Hope this helps. Love always, a Fetus

Ask The Batman

Hi Batman. My name is Ronald Rodslimp Wrinkleberry. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve a question for you. For some reason, girls don’t seem to take a hankerin’ to me. I try very hard to get them to notice me, but they act as if I’m not even there. I’m thinking of becoming a crime-fighting vigilante, like you, in order to make myself more attractive and noticeable to girls. Can you please give me some tips on how to do this, as I really have no idea where to begin. Thanks.

 

Thanks for your question, Ronald. Unfortunately, because of multiple lawsuits I’m currently involved in, I can’t answer your question.  But, I can say this.  Give up on trying so hard to get girls to be interested in you.  I’m a dark, disturbed, bad-ass of a billionaire who gets babes to fall all over him like drops of rain on a Spring morning.  You’re nothing like me, and no amount of crime-fighting advice is gonna change that.  So, just be yourself; enjoy your comics and your video games, and stop pestering girls.  They really don’t like it.  OK?    Sincerely, The Batman

Ask Ralph, The Raunchy Rat

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I'm a person who loves to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I've suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I'm having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddammit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to without having to move to a different apartment complex to do it. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move. Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Ralph, I need your help. I love to smoke. Hell, I must smoke 3 or 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and I have for close to 50 years now. Besides the fact that my phlegm is pitch black, I’ve suffered no ill effect from my smoking. The problem I’m having is that my landlord has recently banned smoking in all of his apartments. I think this is bullshit. I pay my rent, and, goddamnit, if I want to smoke myself into oblivion in my own apartment, I should be able to. What can I say to my landlord to convince him I should be able to smoke in my apartment, and not be forced to move.    Yours truly, Martha Brownlung, a really old lady who smokes.

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You've come to right rat. Here's what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. "HEY, SHIT FACE!! I'm gonna smoke in my fuckin' apartment. I'm not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I'm gonna get my friend, Ralph The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Matha Brownlung. Now get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch. Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you'll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke. Have a great day, Ralph The Raunchy Rat

Dear Martha, thanks for writing. You’ve come to the right rat. Here’s what you need to say to your landlord to make him fear you. “HEY, SHIT FACE!! I’m gonna smoke in my fuckin’ apartment. I’m not moving, and if you try to make me quit smoking in my apartment or move, I’m gonna get my friend, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat, to gather up 10 thousand of his rat friends to infest your shit-hole of a building and bite the living fuck outta every person living in it, except, of course, Martha Brownlung. Now, get off my old wrinkled ass, you miserable slum lord son of a bitch!”   Say this to him, word for word, and I assure you, you’ll be able to stay in your apartment and smoke.   Have a great day, Ralph, The Raunchy Rat.

Ask Hulk

Hi Hulk. My name's Timmy the Toddler and I've an issue I'm hoping you can help me with. See, I like cookies. Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity. However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don't care what she thinks, I still want the friggin' cookies. Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies? Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

Hi Hulk.  My name’s Timmy the Toddler and I’ve an issue I’m hoping you can help me with.  See, I like cookies.  Hell, I could bloody well eat cookies, like, 24/7 for all eternity.  However, my mother, being the anal-retentive controlling person she is, insists that eating nothing but cookies would be very detrimental to my health. Quite frankly, I don’t care what she thinks, I still want the friggin’ cookies.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince my mother to relax her sphincter on this issue and let me eat nothing but cookies?    Thanks for all you and the other Avengers do to keep me safe from monsters, Timmy The Toddler

 

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question. Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week. And here's the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?! Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?! You'd quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday. Is THAT what you want?! Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart. Listen to her, respect her, and for god's sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!! Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

Dear Timmy the Toddler, thanks for your question.  Believe it or not, I get asked this question dozens of time a week.  And here’s the answer I always give: ARE YOU NUTS?!  Do you have ANY idea what a diet consisting only of cookies would do to you?!  You’d quickly become very obese, and most likely die before your tenth birthday.  Is THAT what you want?!  Your mother is a wise lady who has your best interest at heart.  Listen to her, respect her, and for god’s sake, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LIVE ONLY ON COOKIES OR HULK WILL SMASH!!!    Hope this helps. Yours in good health, Hulk

 

Ask Cryptic Kenny

Another new advice column from your pals at The Arm Chair Pontificator.

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I'm having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I've yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won't. My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers. I'm rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don't have much money to spend on a weapon. Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation? Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

Dear Cryptic Kenny, I’m having a problem with young kids running around on my lawn and making noise. I’ve yelled, begged, and pleaded with them to stop, but they won’t.  My Republican friends tell me I should buy a gun and stand my ground by shooting a few of the little buggers in the head.  I’m rather partial to this idea, but live on a very limited budget and don’t have much money to spend on a weapon.  Do you know where I can buy a gun and bullets at a reasonable price for someone in my situation?   Thanks, Shirley Crankypants, Early Childhood Education Professor, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois

 

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question. The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X. I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer. Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny

Professor Crankypants, thank you for your intelligent, well thought out question.  The difference between the side and the bottom is the same as the circumference of the top divided by the square root of X.  I hope you find this a clarifying and spiritually fulfilling answer.   Yours in the woods, Cryptic Kenny