Democrats Ask China For Help In Winning 2020 Elections

“We’re Not Going To Do Anything They Haven’t Been Doing For Years,” Nancy Pelosi Said Today

Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine.    In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020.  “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years.  Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help.  So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level.  I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021.  He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call?  We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now!  Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’  Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor.  Well, until then, God bless America.  God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”

 

 

The Wives Of Jedi Master Yoda

Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life.   Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.

“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.

 

Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did.  Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”

 

Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”

 

Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”

 

Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”