Tag Archives: religious cynicism

03.13.15
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Vatican Admits Priests Rape Children Because It Feels Good

Cause It Feels Good, Says The Vatican

Because It Feels Good, Says The Vatican

Vatican City, Rome.  Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Bob Onboidick, said today that priests not only rape children because it feels good, but because they know they can almost always get away with it. “Look,” said Cardinal Onboidick this morning, “placing your penis into a child’s orifice, any orifice, feels WONDERFUL! But doing it to a child who trusts you as God’s representative on Earth, well, that feeling is indescribable to anyone who isn’t in a position to abuse a child in such a way. And, I gotta tell you, knowing that the hierarchy of the Catholic Church will bend over backwards to hide and protect us after we’ve been accused of raping children, just makes raping them all the more desirable.

Cardinal Bob Onboicock With An 8 Year Old Boy He Raped Many Times

Cardinal Bob Onboidick Stalks His Prey

We priests receive an amazing amount of undeserved deference from our followers just because we’ve convinced them Jesus is a real dude and we personally have a connection to him. Why not take advantage of that and rape their children when they entrust them into our care? We absolutely LOVE it! We’ve been raping children, and being excused for it, for well over a thousand years now, and we see no reason to stop. The Catholic Church is a religion: a faith-based organization that can not be touched by the normal laws of man because humans think invisible, non-existent deities are far more important than the orifices of their very own offspring. We, at the Vatican, want to thank the followers of Jesus for allowing us the continued opportunity to fuck their children. We like it, and we’ve no intention of ever stopping. Thank you once again, and please, don’t forget to give money to your local Church during mass this Sunday. Amen.”

That Big, Purple Lollipop Is For You Timmy. Just Come A Bit Closer And Put It In Your Mouth

That Big, Purple Lollipop Is For You Timmy. Just Come A Bit Closer And Put It In Your Mouth

Catholic Church Claims It Can Refuse To Pay Victims Of Sex Abuse Because Of Religious Freedom | ThinkProgress

09.07.14
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Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner

adviceDear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her out. I’m really nervous because I’ve never asked a girl out before, and I was hoping, that since you are so smart and wise about everything, that you’d give me some advice on how to do it.  Sincerely, Billy Virginstein, Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine.

Billy Virginstein

Billy Virginstein

Dear Billy: The easiest way to ask a girl out is to first tell her you are a god. If she looks at you like you are insane, assure her you are not by insisting she is a faithless hoochie momma for questioning you and for not having faith that you are, indeed, a god. Then tell her that if she agrees to carry your offspring, she will be the mother of little demi-god kids thus achieving the status of godhood herself. Hell, tell her she can tell people that, even though she’s cranking out your babies, she’s technically still a virgin cause she’s having sex only with you, a god, and no mortal man has ever touched her. Believe it or not, LOTS of people readily believe things like this. You must work very hard to make her accept all you say on faith alone. This is the most important advice I can give you. Her faith in what you tell her is the thing that will make her believe you are a god, and no evidence to the contrary will dissuade her otherwise once it is strong enough.

Once she accepts you as a god, on faith alone, you will easily be able to ask her out on that date you want so badly.  I’d suggest, as a first date, you take her on a door to door mission with you to convince other people that you are a god. Start with the homes of known gun owners. Why, you ask? Because once you’ve gotten enough gun owners to believe you are a god, you can use them as soldiers to convince thousands of others to believe it too. Ain’t nothin’ like stickin’ a gun in someone’s face to convince ’em you’re right. Right?

Hope you find this advice helpful, Billy, and good luck. All my best, always, TACP.