Tag Archives: Dating advice

08.12.15
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Ask The Mona Lisa

Today, TACP starts its latest advice column entitled, Ask The Mona Lisa, where the Mona Lisa herself answers questions from one of the four or five people who read this blog every week.   Enjoy.

Dear Mona Lisa, I'd like some advice on asking out a really pretty girl I see every morning in my college Biology class. I've been in love with her from afar for months now, but I've been too afraid to even approach her and ask her her name. What can I do to over come this fear that's inhibiting me from perhaps connecting with my life's soul mate? Sincerely, Peter Puttin

Dear Mona Lisa,  I’d like some advice on asking out a really pretty girl I see every morning on the train on my way to work.  I’ve been in love with her from afar for months now, but I’ve been too afraid to even approach her and ask her her name.  What can I do to overcome this fear that’s inhibiting me from perhaps connecting with my life’s soul mate?     Sincerely, Peter Puttin, A Mild Mannered Shoe Shine Boy

 

Dear Peter, grow a pair, will ya? What do you mean you're 'In love with her from afar'? Are you some kind of perverted stalker? You haven't the testicular fortitude to even ask this young women her name, yet you've already determined she's your soul mate? Jesus, kid. You don't need advice from a painting. You need years of therapy to get over your 'Mommy Issues'. Until that happens, stop coveting young women on the train. It's fuckin' creepy as shit. Yours always, The Mona Lisa

Dear Peter,  grow a pair, will ya?  What do you mean you’re ‘In love with her from afar’?  Are you some kind of perverted stalker?  You haven’t the testicular fortitude to even ask this young women her name, yet you’ve already determined she’s your soul mate?  Jesus, kid. You don’t need advice from a painting.  You need years of therapy to get over your ‘Mommy Issues’.  Until that happens, stop coveting young women on the train.  It’s fuckin’ creepy as shit.
Yours always, The Mona Lisa

 

 

09.07.14
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Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner

adviceDear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her out. I’m really nervous because I’ve never asked a girl out before, and I was hoping, that since you are so smart and wise about everything, that you’d give me some advice on how to do it.  Sincerely, Billy Virginstein, Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine.

Billy Virginstein

Billy Virginstein

Dear Billy: The easiest way to ask a girl out is to first tell her you are a god. If she looks at you like you are insane, assure her you are not by insisting she is a faithless hoochie momma for questioning you and for not having faith that you are, indeed, a god. Then tell her that if she agrees to carry your offspring, she will be the mother of little demi-god kids thus achieving the status of godhood herself. Hell, tell her she can tell people that, even though she’s cranking out your babies, she’s technically still a virgin cause she’s having sex only with you, a god, and no mortal man has ever touched her. Believe it or not, LOTS of people readily believe things like this. You must work very hard to make her accept all you say on faith alone. This is the most important advice I can give you. Her faith in what you tell her is the thing that will make her believe you are a god, and no evidence to the contrary will dissuade her otherwise once it is strong enough.

Once she accepts you as a god, on faith alone, you will easily be able to ask her out on that date you want so badly.  I’d suggest, as a first date, you take her on a door to door mission with you to convince other people that you are a god. Start with the homes of known gun owners. Why, you ask? Because once you’ve gotten enough gun owners to believe you are a god, you can use them as soldiers to convince thousands of others to believe it too. Ain’t nothin’ like stickin’ a gun in someone’s face to convince ’em you’re right. Right?

Hope you find this advice helpful, Billy, and good luck. All my best, always, TACP.