Bullshit Quotes From History

 

"I swear to all the gods that ever were, and ever will be, this is a real picture of me." The Arm Chair Pontificator, circa 2016

“I swear to all the gods that ever were, and ever will be, this is a real picture of me.”  The Arm Chair Pontificator, circa 2016

 

 

"I'm sorry, Bambi. I didn't really mean to shoot your mother in the head and blow her brains all over the meadow." Unknown Deer Hunter, circa 1942

“I’m sorry, Bambi. I didn’t really mean to shoot your mother in the head and blow her brains all over the meadow.” Unknown Deer Hunter, circa 1942

 

 

"Look, I promise, I'm simply going to tiptoe, quietly, right through Tokyo, and you'll never known I was ever hear. OK?" Godzilla to the Japanese people, circa 1954

“Look, I promise, I’m simply going to tiptoe, quietly, right through Tokyo, and you’ll never known I was ever hear. OK?” Godzilla to the Japanese people, circa 1954

 

 

"The greatest enemy to America, and by far, the laziest group of people who've ever lived, are poor people." Current Era Republican Party Mantra

“The greatest enemy to America, and by far, the laziest group of people who’ve ever lived, are poor people.”   Current Era Republican Party Mantra

 

 

"No ma'am, I didn't put a pill in your drink to knock you out so I can molest you. Why, oh why, would I ever do something like that?" Bill Cosby, circa 1984

“No ma’am, I didn’t put a pill in your drink to knock you out so I can molest you. Why, oh why, would I ever do something like that?”  Bill Cosby, circa 1984

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The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 5

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 5

A few weeks have passed since the last scene. We’re inside Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s bedroom in the Apostle’s HQ. The scene opens with a huge closeup on an open box of bagels sitting on a small night stand near the bed. The box is loudly labeled, “Moses & Job Bagels: So Good, You’ll Swear Mom Made ‘Em.” We cut quickly to a medium shot of Mary Magdalene on top of Jesus, her breasts are bare and sweat covered and her face is tightened into the final throes of her second orgasm. As she groans, we see Jesus’ left arm, the upper part of which has a tattoo of Mary Magdalene proudly displayed on it, rise so that he can grip Mary by the back of her head and force her mouth down onto his in an open, wet kiss. Jesus pauses while holding Mary in this position until he orgasms and groans out her name in a mumbled fashion into her open mouth. As their mouths separate, the camera catches a sparkling line of spittle attached to the lips of the lovers. Mary rolls this on her finger and then places her finger into Jesus’ mouth where he suckles it like a babe at its mother’s breast. The time is very long ago.

Jesus With Mary Magdalene Tattoo On Arm

Jesus With Mary Magdalene Tattoo

Jesus: Oh my f’ing Father, Mary! That was amazing. Where did you learn that …thing you did with your tongue? Wow!!!!

Mary: That’s my secret big guy. A girl doesn’t give away her secrets, you know? How’d you like it when I swung in here naked on that wrecking ball? Hot, huh? Oh, by the way, we owe the driver of the wrecking ball truck five bucks. I thought getting to see me naked would be payment enough for his services, but he said he can’t feed his family with a woody, so we owe him the five bucks.

Mary Magdalene Swinging Naked Into Jesus' Arms

Mary Magdalene Swinging Naked Into Jesus’ Arms

Jesus: Yeah. Sure thing. For something that hot, I’d pay 50 bucks. Here, go pay him [Jesus hands Mary a five dollar bill with Julius Caesar’s face on it].  I’ll be right out. Oh, and bring him the rest of the bagels, would you? They’ll just go to waste sitting here. You and I are the only ones who eat ’em, and I’m full.

Mary: [Putting her dress over her head and going toward the door] Sure thing, babe.

As she takes the bagel box off the night stand we get one more close up of the name on the box, and we quick-cut to a long shot showing us the back room of one of Herod’s Temple brothels. In the shot we see Herod, Judas, and several Pharisees. Herod hands Judas a bag which he opens. He takes out silver pieces and places them back into the bag which he then places in his pocket. He smiles at Herod and the Pharisees and heads toward the Temple exit. Just audible over the hum and buzz of the people around him, we hear him say over his shoulder, “It’s a great day for a betrayal, my friends. See you all later.” Cut to black.

Cut to a long shot in 65mm of Jesus and Peter standing beside their horses at the entrance to one of Herod’s gambling casinos cleverly hidden inside a “Centurion’s Pizza” pizza restaurant for kids.

Peter: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Jesus. Where’s Judas? Wasn’t he supposed to meet us here?

Jesus: Patience, my young apprentice. You must learn patience if you are to be the rock upon which I build the foundation of my new Temple. Herod is inside this casino. That’s why we’re here. It’s time I ended his attacks on me and Mary over my having freed her from his pimpy clutches. As well, I’m quite certain several Pharisees are also inside. It’s time those bastards got their comeuppance as well.

Peter: OK, man. I’m with you, JC. I just hope….

Peter is cut off before he can finish his sentence by two hooded Ninjas leaping from atop the Pizza parlor and swinging swords at his and Jesus’ heads. Jesus waves his hand and grips both Ninjas in a force-like grip that would make Yoda proud. He snaps both of their necks and tosses them into the door of the restaurant opening it. Inside several thugs dressed in golden three-piece suits open fire on Jesus and Peter with semi-automatic weapons. Before Jesus can react, Judas leaps up behind him and Peter and knocks them both unconscious with a billy club. Cut to black.

Next we cut to a loud white screen as the voice of Patrick Stewart as God is heard, softly at first, then much more loudly, talking to Jesus.

God: Jesus! Wake up you knucklehead! Wake up! I warned you not to trust Judas! He’s too damn good-looking to be any good. Why, oh why, didn’t you listen to me?

Jesus begins to wake up as the scene comes into focus. We see that he and Peter are tied to chairs in the center of an old barn somewhere. Herod, several Pharisees, and Judas are standing looking at the bound men as Jesus starts to speak.

Jesus: Dad? Dad? You’re chastising me at a moment like this? When oh, when will you ever realize I’m a grown up and I know what I’m doing?

Herod: Well, Well. If it ain’t the almighty Jesus Christ talking to himself outta fear of King Herod and his revenge! Brother, you are going to be one suffering mother fucker in the next few minutes! I’m going to let your pal Judas here get all Romanesque on your ass and torture you for a few days before I cut off your mother fuckin’ head and stick it on a pike outside my throne room. You a dead shit-bag, savior boy. And after you, I’m killing me that bitch whore you stole from me that you’re so fond of fuckin’. I’m going to have an army of centurions rape her whore-ass to death over several weeks. The fuckin’ bitch is gonna be killed from fuckin’! How’s that make you feel, almighty one?

Jesus: It kinda pisses me off, Herod. You know, like you making a mockery of my Father’s Temples with your bullshit gambling and whore running. You’re gonna pay for that.

Herod: Right, mother fucker! And how much am I gonna get charged by your soon to be dead ass for pissing in your daddy’s houses, huh?

Jesus: Oh, I’d say about 30 pieces of silver, if I’m correct on what we paid for ten, out of work, Roman centurions. Isn’t that what they cost us, Judas? [Jesus stands as the ropes binding him and Peter to their chairs fall to the ground and the doors to the barn fly open revealing ten fully armed Roman centurions standing just outside.]

Judas: Yep. Exactly. These guys were outta work, being that Rome isn’t in a war at the moment. And they’ve been really antsy for some practice work as well as for some decent pay. For 30 pieces of silver, they promised they’d scourge, beat, and crucify Herod and these here Pharisees out in some back-woods area that no decent Roman would ever be caught dead in. See, this way, Pilot never has to know WHAT happened to Herod the Great and a few piss-ant Pharisees. He’ll only know they’re gone. These pricks thought they were giving me 30 pieces of silver to betray you, Jesus. But in fact, they were actually paying for their executioners to execute them. Irony is a fuckin’ bitch, ain’t it, boys?” [Judas spits on Herod after saying this line].

Judas After Betraying Herod

Judas, After Betraying Herod

The centurions rush in and grab Herod and the Pharisees before they can even begin to react to what has just transpired. They shackle them, and as they do, we hear the voice of God shouting: “Atta boy, Jesus! You’re a chip off the old block! Hot damn, son! Way to go, you ‘ole son of a bitch, you! And Satan, you owe me ten bucks if you’re listening to this. I told you, never count my boy out! He’s a winner! Just like his ‘ole man!”

Nice Work My Boy, Says God

Nice Work My Boy, Says God

From somewhere out of frame, we hear the voice of Satan, played by none other than Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, cry out: “Curses! Foiled again!”

William Shatner Is Satan

William Shatner Is A Foiled Satan

Herod: Well I’ll be a fucked pig in a god damned syrup-soaked blanket! I’ve been fucked over by a do-gooder messiah and some crazy-ass Jewish boys! Son of a bitch! Ain’t that just a mother fucker?!

Herod The Great Will Smile No More

Herod The Great Will Smile No More

Herod says his last line as he’s dragged out of the barn by two centurions. The eight remaining centurions beat the Pharisees as they shackle them. As they are dragged out of the barn, the Pharisees beg Jesus to save them and to be merciful. To which Jesus replies, “Fuck you. I hear crucifixion REALLY sucks, boys. Please let me know what you think of it. After all, it is what you wanted for me, isn’t it?”

The camera cuts back to a medium shot as we see Jesus and the two Apostles begin to straddle their horses for the ride back to HQ.

Judas: Hope I didn’t hit you too hard there, big guy. And you, too, Peter. I wanted things to look real, you know?

Jesus: No worries, pal. And nice work. See, Peter, I told you. Patience.

Peter: I’m one sponge-like rock when it comes to you and your lessons, Jesus. I’m very impressed. And hungry. Let’s get some pizzas to take back to Mary and the fellas, eh?

As the three men nod in agreement at this suggestion, the camera pans up, and then quickly down again onto a dark road in a deprecated woods where we see and hear the screams of the crucified Pharisees as they hang on crosses next to King Herod, the Great, whose own cross bares this sign: “Here Hangs Herod, King Of The Jews, Who Dared Anger Jesus, Bad-Ass King Of All Mankind.”

Pharisees Get Crucified

Crucified Pharisees

And we fade to black.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 3

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 3

Galilee. Outside of a club called, “The Best Little Singing Stripper Bar In Galilee.”  It is about 10:00 PM. Jesus, Peter, and Judas are preparing to burst inside to retrieve Mary Magdalene and free her from her life of singing whoredom. Unbeknownst to them, however, is that her pimp is none other than Herod, himself, King of Judea.  It is, as before, a very long time ago.

Jesus: All right gentlemen. This is the type of thing we’ve been training for. When I kick the door in, I’m going to grab the first bouncer I see and break his nose. You two do the same. I need you both to kick as much ass as possible and keep whoever is in there focused on you. I don’t want them knowing why we’re there. And I might need a few minutes to find Mary. Ready?

Peter and Judas: Hell, yes, we’re ready!

Jesus kicks open the door to the bar and grabs a bouncer standing near it by the hair. He lifts his right knee toward the man’s face as he pushes his head down into it. There is a loud snap, and blood sprays from the man’s face. As the camera swings up, we see a stage with Mary Magdalene singing on it and taking off her clothes. Just as she is about to remove her skirt, she notices Jesus and stops.

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Peter and Judas then move in from behind Jesus and swipe out the legs of two bouncers who are running toward them from behind the bar. Peter breaks the arm of one of the men, while Judas cracks the femur of the other with a heavy chair causing a compound fracture. Blood is everywhere and the injured men are all screaming in pain. Jesus leaps onto the stage and breaks the neck of a bouncer who is trying to pull Mary off the stage with him. The man drops dead onto the stage with a thump. Jesus grabs Mary’s hand, leading her off the stage and toward the door.

Thomas Hardy's Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Thomas Hardy’s Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Peter and Judas have since retrieved a sawed off shot-gun from the hands of a bartender who clumsily pointed it at them and wound up with a dagger piercing his heart for doing so. Peter holds the shot-gun up and fires once into the air to startle anyone else looking to stop them.  Jesus and Mary reach the door and run out followed closely by Peter and Judas. Just as the door slams behind them, King Herod, in a gold bath robe, comes out of a room on the second floor of the bar and leans against the second floor railing. Four semi-clad women come out of the same room Herod did and slither up next to him. He looks down over the bloody carnage left by Jesus and his men, and says: “I WAS having a good time until SOMEBODY busted into MY place and stole MY whore. I’m going to track this son of a bitch down and crucify him. And while his ass is hanging on the cross, I’m gonna cut off his balls and feed them to him, one at a time. NO ONE fucks with Herod The Great! NO ONE!”

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

The scene ends with a quick flash of red that fills the entire frame. We then cut quickly to our heroes on horseback riding fervently away into the night. Jesus and Mary are astride a white stallion, and Peter and Judas are each riding a black stallion. As they come to a cave opening just inside a mountain path, the horses come to a halt as their riders slowly get down from them, one at a time.
End of scene 3.

Scene 4 to follow soon. So please check back.

The First Supper Of Christ, Apostles Assembled: Part One

The next few posts will include excerpts from a film script I’m currently working on with Pope Francis and Quintin Tarantino. The film is going to be called, “The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled.” We’re hoping the Pope can convince God to allow Ingmar Bergman to return to life to direct it. But if that doesn’t happen for some reason, Terrence Malick said he’d direct it in a heart beat, and Joss Whedon’s been chomping at the bit to work with me ever since I tweaked his “Avengers” script as favor to him two years ago.

Here’s a list of  some the actors who’ve already been cast in the film and the parts they’ll be playing.

Thomas Hardy As Jesus

Thomas Hardy As Jesus

He played Bane in “Dark Knight Returns.” He’s a gifted actor who also has the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.

Miley Cyrus As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus As Mary Magdalene

Miley possesses the unique combination of singer/performer/bar whore qualities needed for this role. Plus I have a kinky, inappropriate sexual obsession with her and I’m indulging it here because I want to.

Chris Hemsworth As Peter,aka, The Rock

Chris Hemsworth As Peter,aka, The Rock

Chris is an excellent actor who also possesses an athletic, action hero physique which this film’s Peter needs to have. He also plays Thor and I love Thor.

Brad Pitt As Judas Iscariot

Brad Pitt As Judas Iscariot

Brad’s acting talent is superb and I feel he will be able to capture Judas’s inner battle with the dark side of the Force very well. He also has the muscular physique required for the role, and he, along with Chris Hemsworth, complete my list of ‘If you HAD to have sex with a guy just once, who’d be on your list to have it with list.’ I can see the headline now: ‘Brad Pitt gives gay sex a first time whirl with a straight, fat, middle age white dude no one has ever heard of .’

Patrick Stewart As The Voice Of God

Patrick Stewart As The Voice Of God

No explanation needed here. I have a Faith driven theory that Stewart actually IS God and is just waiting for the right time to reveal himself as such. That’s it on cast and characters for today. Now for a look at the script Francis, Quintin, and I have been fervently writing since we were in the 4th grade together at The Einstein School For Young Geniuses in Anchorage, Alaska many moons ago.

The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene One: The Call

Rome, Italy. Christ’s apartment. 2AM. It is a very long time ago.

The film opens with the camera held on a dark, starry sky. It pans down into an open window and we see a clean-shaven, bald and very muscular, Jesus, sitting in bed, about to speak into the telephone, the ringing of which just woke him from a deep sleep.

Jesus: Who the hell is this? It’s 2 in the friggin’… Oh, Dad. Sorry. What’s up? Yes. Of course I remember. I do NOTHING but remember. EVERY bloody time I wake up and realize I’m down here and not up there, I remember. Haggling with morons every day over the prices of the furniture I make is just so beneath me. I’m a PROFESSIONAL for….OK. Yes. ..OK.  I’m listening. …Yes. …NO!….Look, Dad, that is simply NOT going to happen. I’ll straighten these people up for you, or at least I’ll try to, but if you think I’m letting these sadistic bastards hang my divine, immortal ass on cross so I can “sacrifice myself” for some stupid sin YOU are still holding a childish grudge over, you can go fuck yourself. ……No. NO! I will NOT apologize for swearing at you!  Have you ever seen a crucifixion? Fuck that, man. Let them do that to you if you want to sacrifice someone. Immortal or not, Dad, I’m not a fucking masochist. … I said, NO! You’re a sick bastard, Dad….I’m hanging up…Good bye …. What? …Sure…. Who? No…. The Holy who… Ghost? ..Oh, that nut–case who used to tell me that you and me and he were all one dude…THAT guy?! …I most certainly will NOT go around preaching with him. …. Absolutely NOT! …He’s insane, that’s why! Look….Calm down….Hey!  Stop yelling… Are you crying?…Dad? …Yes, I know you’re trying…DAD! Stop crying so you can listen a minute. … OK. Now take a depth breath and listen.  I’ve got an idea how I can get these idiots down here to repent for whatever it is you think they did to you, if I must, but I’m telling you, Pop, you really need to learn to let go of shit. This kinda crap isn’t healthy, man.  Any way, here’s my idea….

Come back tomorrow for more. If you dare!