The next few posts will include excerpts from a film script I’m currently working on with Pope Francis and Quintin Tarantino. The film is going to be called, “The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled.” We’re hoping the Pope can convince God to allow Ingmar Bergman to return to life to direct it. But if that doesn’t happen for some reason, Terrence Malick said he’d direct it in a heart beat, and Joss Whedon’s been chomping at the bit to work with me ever since I tweaked his “Avengers” script as favor to him two years ago.
Here’s a list of some the actors who’ve already been cast in the film and the parts they’ll be playing.
He played Bane in “Dark Knight Returns.” He’s a gifted actor who also has the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.
Miley possesses the unique combination of singer/performer/bar whore qualities needed for this role. Plus I have a kinky, inappropriate sexual obsession with her and I’m indulging it here because I want to.
Chris is an excellent actor who also possesses an athletic, action hero physique which this film’s Peter needs to have. He also plays Thor and I love Thor.
Brad’s acting talent is superb and I feel he will be able to capture Judas’s inner battle with the dark side of the Force very well. He also has the muscular physique required for the role, and he, along with Chris Hemsworth, complete my list of ‘If you HAD to have sex with a guy just once, who’d be on your list to have it with list.’ I can see the headline now: ‘Brad Pitt gives gay sex a first time whirl with a straight, fat, middle age white dude no one has ever heard of .’
No explanation needed here. I have a Faith driven theory that Stewart actually IS God and is just waiting for the right time to reveal himself as such. That’s it on cast and characters for today. Now for a look at the script Francis, Quintin, and I have been fervently writing since we were in the 4th grade together at The Einstein School For Young Geniuses in Anchorage, Alaska many moons ago.
The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled
Scene One: The Call
Rome, Italy. Christ’s apartment. 2AM. It is a very long time ago.
The film opens with the camera held on a dark, starry sky. It pans down into an open window and we see a clean-shaven, bald and very muscular, Jesus, sitting in bed, about to speak into the telephone, the ringing of which just woke him from a deep sleep.
Jesus: Who the hell is this? It’s 2 in the friggin’… Oh, Dad. Sorry. What’s up? Yes. Of course I remember. I do NOTHING but remember. EVERY bloody time I wake up and realize I’m down here and not up there, I remember. Haggling with morons every day over the prices of the furniture I make is just so beneath me. I’m a PROFESSIONAL for….OK. Yes. ..OK. I’m listening. …Yes. …NO!….Look, Dad, that is simply NOT going to happen. I’ll straighten these people up for you, or at least I’ll try to, but if you think I’m letting these sadistic bastards hang my divine, immortal ass on cross so I can “sacrifice myself” for some stupid sin YOU are still holding a childish grudge over, you can go fuck yourself. ……No. NO! I will NOT apologize for swearing at you! Have you ever seen a crucifixion? Fuck that, man. Let them do that to you if you want to sacrifice someone. Immortal or not, Dad, I’m not a fucking masochist. … I said, NO! You’re a sick bastard, Dad….I’m hanging up…Good bye …. What? …Sure…. Who? No…. The Holy who… Ghost? ..Oh, that nut–case who used to tell me that you and me and he were all one dude…THAT guy?! …I most certainly will NOT go around preaching with him. …. Absolutely NOT! …He’s insane, that’s why! Look….Calm down….Hey! Stop yelling… Are you crying?…Dad? …Yes, I know you’re trying…DAD! Stop crying so you can listen a minute. … OK. Now take a depth breath and listen. I’ve got an idea how I can get these idiots down here to repent for whatever it is you think they did to you, if I must, but I’m telling you, Pop, you really need to learn to let go of shit. This kinda crap isn’t healthy, man. Any way, here’s my idea….
Come back tomorrow for more. If you dare!