“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” director, J.J. Abrams, announced this morning that he has cast the Higgs boson to play a key character in the upcoming sequel to “Star Wars”. “The Higgs boson popped up behind me yesterday as I was focusing a camera lens and practically begged me for a role in the film,” Abrams stated. “The subatomic particle claimed it had been a fan of ‘Star Wars’ since it first saw the original film in 1977. I couldn’t say no to it. Thus, I have given the boson a major speaking role in the movie. I can’t say what it is, but I assure you it will delight audiences of all ages and help long time fans forget the Prequels were ever made. The only set back to this is that the movie will now have to be viewed through a subatomic microscope due to the diminutive size of the Higgs boson. But it will be worth the inconvenience, I can assure you,” Abrams said.
I bumped into Chewbacca, of Star Wars fame, as he was exiting the dog grooming shop I was entering to get my dog, Roxy, groomed. I told him I was a big fan and would love to interview him for my blog. He agreed, and we talked for about an hour over pizza and beer. I present excerpts from our discussion below for your enjoyment. Rest be assured, every single word is true.
ACP: Let me say, Chewie, may I call you Chewie?
Chewbacca: ARRR! OORR! AHHRR!
ACP: OK. No problem. I get it. Only Han Solo can call you Chewie. No biggie, Chewbacca. Pizza’s good, isn’t it?
Chewbacca: OOHRR! AAARH! AHHRR!
ACP: Good. Glad you like it. Now, for my first question. Are you dating anyone at the moment, or are you single?
Chewbacca: AR! HARRR! RRRRR! RHAARR! RRRH!
ACP: No! Wait! Put me down! Ouch! You’re crushing my spine! I wasn’t hitting on you! Honest, I wasn’t. I was asking if you have a lady friend at the moment. Dude, you’re not my type. Inter-species gay sex just ain’t my bag, Chewbacca (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Now, please, just stop crushing my spine and set me back down. Thanks. Now, are you dating a FEMALE at the moment, either human or Wookie?
Chewbacca: RRRRH! WOORRR! AHHROOH! ARRRRGH! RRR!
ACP: I see, so you were dating a human woman, but she broke it off because you refused to get dewormed. Well, can’t say I blame her. Worms crawling out of your partner’s ass during sex would kinda f*ck up the moment. She just wanted to be sure that wasn’t going to happen, I suppose. Let’s move on to another question. What are your thoughts on the American political scene?
Chewbacca: AARRRRRHHH!!! RRRRRHHH!!! OOORRRR!!! UUURRRGH ARRUGHHO!
ACP: No, that isn’t a joke, America really does not have socialized medical coverage for its citizens. And I agree, Governor Rick Perry is indeed a lot like Emperor Palpatine. And, yes, I do suppose the entire state of Texas is very much like a land-based version of the Death Star. I know it seems like these things must be jokes to you, but trust me, they’re not. Unfortunately.
Chewbacca: RRRGH! OOGHRR?!
ACP: Christians? Yes, they, too, are unfortunately not a joke, and they are indeed just as annoying and self-righteous as they seem. They kinda make the Sith seem rather likable, wouldn’t you say? What I wouldn’t give for them to all go hide on Dagobah with Yoda and quite bugging me with their presence. Oh well, we can’t have everything, eh? But let’s get back to you. Why are you here, Chewbacca? What brought you to Earth at this time?
Chewbacca: RRRH! OOORRH! AAARGH! OOORRH! UUGHRRR!
ACP: Oh, right. You’re here filming Star Wars: Episode 7 with J.J. Abrams. Don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that. And you’re auditioning for this year’s American Idol, eh? Well, good luck to you with that. I understand you’ve got to get back to the set now for your big scene with Han Solo, but, if I’m not outta line for asking, could you take me with you as a guest? I’d love to see the next Star Wars movie being filmed.
Chewbacca: RRH! ARRRGH! OOOP!
ACP: OK. I get it. J.J. runs a closed set, and he’d be p*ssed if you showed up there with me in tow. No worries, big guy. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with you. Good luck with all your adventures here on Earth, Chewbacca, and thanks again. This was really cool. Bye now.
The next few posts will include excerpts from a film script I’m currently working on with Pope Francis and Quintin Tarantino. The film is going to be called, “The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled.” We’re hoping the Pope can convince God to allow Ingmar Bergman to return to life to direct it. But if that doesn’t happen for some reason, Terrence Malick said he’d direct it in a heart beat, and Joss Whedon’s been chomping at the bit to work with me ever since I tweaked his “Avengers” script as favor to him two years ago.
Here’s a list of some the actors who’ve already been cast in the film and the parts they’ll be playing.
He played Bane in “Dark Knight Returns.” He’s a gifted actor who also has the raw, muscular physique this film’s Jesus requires.
Miley possesses the unique combination of singer/performer/bar whore qualities needed for this role. Plus I have a kinky, inappropriate sexual obsession with her and I’m indulging it here because I want to.
Chris is an excellent actor who also possesses an athletic, action hero physique which this film’s Peter needs to have. He also plays Thor and I love Thor.
Brad’s acting talent is superb and I feel he will be able to capture Judas’s inner battle with the dark side of the Force very well. He also has the muscular physique required for the role, and he, along with Chris Hemsworth, complete my list of ‘If you HAD to have sex with a guy just once, who’d be on your list to have it with list.’ I can see the headline now: ‘Brad Pitt gives gay sex a first time whirl with a straight, fat, middle age white dude no one has ever heard of .’
No explanation needed here. I have a Faith driven theory that Stewart actually IS God and is just waiting for the right time to reveal himself as such. That’s it on cast and characters for today. Now for a look at the script Francis, Quintin, and I have been fervently writing since we were in the 4th grade together at The Einstein School For Young Geniuses in Anchorage, Alaska many moons ago.
The First Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled
Scene One: The Call
Rome, Italy. Christ’s apartment. 2AM. It is a very long time ago.
The film opens with the camera held on a dark, starry sky. It pans down into an open window and we see a clean-shaven, bald and very muscular, Jesus, sitting in bed, about to speak into the telephone, the ringing of which just woke him from a deep sleep.
Jesus: Who the hell is this? It’s 2 in the friggin’… Oh, Dad. Sorry. What’s up? Yes. Of course I remember. I do NOTHING but remember. EVERY bloody time I wake up and realize I’m down here and not up there, I remember. Haggling with morons every day over the prices of the furniture I make is just so beneath me. I’m a PROFESSIONAL for….OK. Yes. ..OK. I’m listening. …Yes. …NO!….Look, Dad, that is simply NOT going to happen. I’ll straighten these people up for you, or at least I’ll try to, but if you think I’m letting these sadistic bastards hang my divine, immortal ass on cross so I can “sacrifice myself” for some stupid sin YOU are still holding a childish grudge over, you can go fuck yourself. ……No. NO! I will NOT apologize for swearing at you! Have you ever seen a crucifixion? Fuck that, man. Let them do that to you if you want to sacrifice someone. Immortal or not, Dad, I’m not a fucking masochist. … I said, NO! You’re a sick bastard, Dad….I’m hanging up…Good bye …. What? …Sure…. Who? No…. The Holy who… Ghost? ..Oh, that nut–case who used to tell me that you and me and he were all one dude…THAT guy?! …I most certainly will NOT go around preaching with him. …. Absolutely NOT! …He’s insane, that’s why! Look….Calm down….Hey! Stop yelling… Are you crying?…Dad? …Yes, I know you’re trying…DAD! Stop crying so you can listen a minute. … OK. Now take a depth breath and listen. I’ve got an idea how I can get these idiots down here to repent for whatever it is you think they did to you, if I must, but I’m telling you, Pop, you really need to learn to let go of shit. This kinda crap isn’t healthy, man. Any way, here’s my idea….
Come back tomorrow for more. If you dare!
J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.
“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often. Now, if I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”
Yoda stopped by the office today after seeing the new “Thor” movie and had these things to say about it.
1. Powerful hero is Thor. Powerful hero.
2. A large Hammer, Thor has. A great weapon it is too, when thrown by him.
3. Evil brother, Loki, Thor has. The Dark Side I see in him.
4. Clouded my judgement on the movie becomes now. Talking the people behind me were. Rude that is. Selfish. Not the way of the Jedi. Talking during movies leads to anger. Anger leads to pain. Pain leads to suffering. A path to the Dark Side this is.
5. Avoid these things at all costs, a Jedi must. Leave the movie early I did. Go back I will on a weekday morning when fewer people there will be. Review the movie then, I will.
6. Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things. But you do. So glad I am movies like this are made. Distractions from the Dark Side, they are. Talk again soon we will. May the Force Be With You. Always.
In news that can only be called miraculous, Disney has had Shakespeare, yes, THAT Shakespeare, brought back from the dead to aid director J.J. Abrams in rewriting the screen play for the highly anticipated, “Star Wars Episode 7.” “I do not have a fucking clue as to how they pulled this off,” said a happy Abrams today. “But Will and I have bonded like a couple of old college buddies, and the script we’re writing is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Shakespeare is not only an amazing writer, he’s funny as hell and a HUGE Star Wars fan. He was dressed as Grand Moff Tarkin when I first was introduced to him, actually. My understanding is, now that Disney has broken the bank on bringing Will back, they’re going to get all they can outta this. Shakespeare is lined up to write the scripts for ” Nemo: A Fish Outta Water” and “Snow White vs The Lion King”, two films coming out in 2015. For me, this is an opportunity I never thought anyone could possibly ever have, so I’m honored and thrilled to actually be doing it.”