GOP To Repeal And Replace 13th Amendment

Samuel L Jackson says, “Repeal and replace WHAT, mother fuckers?!”

Trenton, New Jersey.   Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution.  “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass.   “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue.  We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage.  What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them?  What need has a slave for health insurance?  If one gets sick or dies, so what.  You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.

There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay.  With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want.  And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want.  The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery.  Nothing good has come of it.  The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough.  It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.

Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything.  God bless America, and God bless freedom.”

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 3

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 3

Galilee. Outside of a club called, “The Best Little Singing Stripper Bar In Galilee.”  It is about 10:00 PM. Jesus, Peter, and Judas are preparing to burst inside to retrieve Mary Magdalene and free her from her life of singing whoredom. Unbeknownst to them, however, is that her pimp is none other than Herod, himself, King of Judea.  It is, as before, a very long time ago.

Jesus: All right gentlemen. This is the type of thing we’ve been training for. When I kick the door in, I’m going to grab the first bouncer I see and break his nose. You two do the same. I need you both to kick as much ass as possible and keep whoever is in there focused on you. I don’t want them knowing why we’re there. And I might need a few minutes to find Mary. Ready?

Peter and Judas: Hell, yes, we’re ready!

Jesus kicks open the door to the bar and grabs a bouncer standing near it by the hair. He lifts his right knee toward the man’s face as he pushes his head down into it. There is a loud snap, and blood sprays from the man’s face. As the camera swings up, we see a stage with Mary Magdalene singing on it and taking off her clothes. Just as she is about to remove her skirt, she notices Jesus and stops.

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Miley Cyrus Singing As Mary Magdalene

Peter and Judas then move in from behind Jesus and swipe out the legs of two bouncers who are running toward them from behind the bar. Peter breaks the arm of one of the men, while Judas cracks the femur of the other with a heavy chair causing a compound fracture. Blood is everywhere and the injured men are all screaming in pain. Jesus leaps onto the stage and breaks the neck of a bouncer who is trying to pull Mary off the stage with him. The man drops dead onto the stage with a thump. Jesus grabs Mary’s hand, leading her off the stage and toward the door.

Thomas Hardy's Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Thomas Hardy’s Jesus Is Not A Pussy

Peter and Judas have since retrieved a sawed off shot-gun from the hands of a bartender who clumsily pointed it at them and wound up with a dagger piercing his heart for doing so. Peter holds the shot-gun up and fires once into the air to startle anyone else looking to stop them.  Jesus and Mary reach the door and run out followed closely by Peter and Judas. Just as the door slams behind them, King Herod, in a gold bath robe, comes out of a room on the second floor of the bar and leans against the second floor railing. Four semi-clad women come out of the same room Herod did and slither up next to him. He looks down over the bloody carnage left by Jesus and his men, and says: “I WAS having a good time until SOMEBODY busted into MY place and stole MY whore. I’m going to track this son of a bitch down and crucify him. And while his ass is hanging on the cross, I’m gonna cut off his balls and feed them to him, one at a time. NO ONE fucks with Herod The Great! NO ONE!”

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

No One Fucks With King Herod! No One!

The scene ends with a quick flash of red that fills the entire frame. We then cut quickly to our heroes on horseback riding fervently away into the night. Jesus and Mary are astride a white stallion, and Peter and Judas are each riding a black stallion. As they come to a cave opening just inside a mountain path, the horses come to a halt as their riders slowly get down from them, one at a time.
End of scene 3.

Scene 4 to follow soon. So please check back.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 2

Welcome back, dear truth seekers, for another excerpt from the greatest script yet to be filmed, “The Last Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled”. There have been a few more actors cast for the film, so I will list them and the roles they’ll be playing first and then get to part 2 of the story.

Morgan Freeman Is Ponitius Pilate

Morgan Freeman Is Pontius Pilate

When Morgan Freeman’s Pilate washes his hands of the cruelty around him, you’ll just KNOW he doesn’t really mean it. What accolade can I give Mr. Freeman that has not already been bestowed upon him? I want this man to be my dad. Really, I do. We can do really cool father son things together like fishing, camping, and hiking. So Morgan, would you please adopt me? Please.

Kathy Bates Is Mary, Mother Of Jesus

Kathy Bates Is Mary, Mother Of Jesus

The Mary in this film is like none you’ve seen before. She’s witty. She’s whimsical, and she’s about as inappropriately concerned with her adult son’s affairs as a Jewish mother can get.

Samuel L. Jackson Is Herod The Great, King Of Judea

Samuel L. Jackson Is Herod The Great, King Of Judea

When this King Herod gets mad, heads roll. Literally. This film’s Herod is in charge of the largest gambling casino in all of Judea. He also uses the Temple as a brothel and opium den. When Jesus learns of these things, he is not at all happy.

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Scene 2

Nazareth. The kitchen of Mary, Jesus’ mother. Jesus, Mary, and Peter are seated at the table, talking. It is still a very long time ago.

Mary: You have to eat, Jesus! Look at you. Talking about going around preaching with strange men following you! What would your father say? And eat, already! You’re wasting away to nothing!

Jesus: I don’t know when you’ve last spoken to him, but Mom, I can assure you what Dad was asking me to do was FAR worse than the little bit of preaching and the whole lotta ass kickin’ I’m gonna do!

Mary: If you say so. Young people today, Oy vey! Any way, Peter, you’re a good-looking fellow. Are you really sure you want to risk everything by butting heads with people just because my husband is angry with them? I kid you not, Peter, he’s angry, literally, for no good reason. He just holds grudges for thousands of years is all. I mean, Jesus has always been a daddy’s boy, so that’s why he does these crazy things my eccentric husband asks of him, but you, Peter? What will your mother think?

Peter: Oh, she doesn’t mind. She’s glad I’m getting out of the house more. She was worried because all I’ve been doing since high school is having one heated sexual liaison after another with married women. Mom isn’t too fond of me doing that. Afraid a husband will catch us and have us stoned or some such thing. She thinks following Jesus here is a better life style choice for me. And besides, Jesus promises we’ll get to kick the asses of non-repentant sinners up and down the streets of Galilee pretty soon. My mom is actually really cool with that sort of thing. Can’t kick the asses of enough non-repentant sinners has always been her motto. Say, would you happen to have any more matzo ball soup? It is FANTASTIC!

Mary: Jesus Christ! Where do you find these friends of yours. Here, Peter. Have more soup. And you too, Jesus. You’ll need your energy for all the ass kicking you’ve planned. Kick ass up and down the streets of Galilee! Now I’ve heard it all.

Jesus and Peter rise and head for the door to leave. Mary gives each of them a hug and shakes her head as they start walking out the door.

Mary: Be careful you two. And please stop by or call me soon, Jesus. It isn’t like I’m your mother or anything and don’t worry myself sick about you.

Jesus: Yes, mother. I will. I’ve got a few other apostles to pick up and then the ass kickin’ starts, I’ll be sure to call you before hand, though, and give you the heads up. See you soon. Love you. And DO NOT believe anything Dad tells you about what I’m doing or about what’s going to happen to me. Ok?

Mary: OK. Love you. And you too, Peter.

Jesus and Peter walk away into a dimming sunset. Jesus leans into Peter as the screen slowly begins to fade to black and says, “Come on, Peter. I just got a text from Mary Magdalene. She’s in trouble at the ‘ole Jerusalem Strip and Sing Bar where she works. We’ve gotta go get her outta there.” And black.

Part 3 next, so stay tuned.