Welcome back, dear truth seekers, for another excerpt from the greatest script yet to be filmed, “The Last Supper of Christ: Apostles Assembled”. There have been a few more actors cast for the film, so I will list them and the roles they’ll be playing first and then get to part 2 of the story.
Morgan Freeman Is Pontius Pilate
When Morgan Freeman’s Pilate washes his hands of the cruelty around him, you’ll just KNOW he doesn’t really mean it. What accolade can I give Mr. Freeman that has not already been bestowed upon him? I want this man to be my dad. Really, I do. We can do really cool father son things together like fishing, camping, and hiking. So Morgan, would you please adopt me? Please.
Kathy Bates Is Mary, Mother Of Jesus
The Mary in this film is like none you’ve seen before. She’s witty. She’s whimsical, and she’s about as inappropriately concerned with her adult son’s affairs as a Jewish mother can get.
Samuel L. Jackson Is Herod The Great, King Of Judea
When this King Herod gets mad, heads roll. Literally. This film’s Herod is in charge of the largest gambling casino in all of Judea. He also uses the Temple as a brothel and opium den. When Jesus learns of these things, he is not at all happy.
The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Scene 2
Nazareth. The kitchen of Mary, Jesus’ mother. Jesus, Mary, and Peter are seated at the table, talking. It is still a very long time ago.
Mary: You have to eat, Jesus! Look at you. Talking about going around preaching with strange men following you! What would your father say? And eat, already! You’re wasting away to nothing!
Jesus: I don’t know when you’ve last spoken to him, but Mom, I can assure you what Dad was asking me to do was FAR worse than the little bit of preaching and the whole lotta ass kickin’ I’m gonna do!
Mary: If you say so. Young people today, Oy vey! Any way, Peter, you’re a good-looking fellow. Are you really sure you want to risk everything by butting heads with people just because my husband is angry with them? I kid you not, Peter, he’s angry, literally, for no good reason. He just holds grudges for thousands of years is all. I mean, Jesus has always been a daddy’s boy, so that’s why he does these crazy things my eccentric husband asks of him, but you, Peter? What will your mother think?
Peter: Oh, she doesn’t mind. She’s glad I’m getting out of the house more. She was worried because all I’ve been doing since high school is having one heated sexual liaison after another with married women. Mom isn’t too fond of me doing that. Afraid a husband will catch us and have us stoned or some such thing. She thinks following Jesus here is a better life style choice for me. And besides, Jesus promises we’ll get to kick the asses of non-repentant sinners up and down the streets of Galilee pretty soon. My mom is actually really cool with that sort of thing. Can’t kick the asses of enough non-repentant sinners has always been her motto. Say, would you happen to have any more matzo ball soup? It is FANTASTIC!
Mary: Jesus Christ! Where do you find these friends of yours. Here, Peter. Have more soup. And you too, Jesus. You’ll need your energy for all the ass kicking you’ve planned. Kick ass up and down the streets of Galilee! Now I’ve heard it all.
Jesus and Peter rise and head for the door to leave. Mary gives each of them a hug and shakes her head as they start walking out the door.
Mary: Be careful you two. And please stop by or call me soon, Jesus. It isn’t like I’m your mother or anything and don’t worry myself sick about you.
Jesus: Yes, mother. I will. I’ve got a few other apostles to pick up and then the ass kickin’ starts, I’ll be sure to call you before hand, though, and give you the heads up. See you soon. Love you. And DO NOT believe anything Dad tells you about what I’m doing or about what’s going to happen to me. Ok?
Mary: OK. Love you. And you too, Peter.
Jesus and Peter walk away into a dimming sunset. Jesus leans into Peter as the screen slowly begins to fade to black and says, “Come on, Peter. I just got a text from Mary Magdalene. She’s in trouble at the ‘ole Jerusalem Strip and Sing Bar where she works. We’ve gotta go get her outta there.” And black.
Part 3 next, so stay tuned.