The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled
A few weeks have passed since the last scene. We’re inside Jesus and Mary Magdalene’s bedroom in the Apostle’s HQ. The scene opens with a huge closeup on an open box of bagels sitting on a small night stand near the bed. The box is loudly labeled, “Moses & Job Bagels: So Good, You’ll Swear Mom Made ‘Em.” We cut quickly to a medium shot of Mary Magdalene on top of Jesus, her breasts are bare and sweat covered and her face is tightened into the final throes of her second orgasm. As she groans, we see Jesus’ left arm, the upper part of which has a tattoo of Mary Magdalene proudly displayed on it, rise so that he can grip Mary by the back of her head and force her mouth down onto his in an open, wet kiss. Jesus pauses while holding Mary in this position until he orgasms and groans out her name in a mumbled fashion into her open mouth. As their mouths separate, the camera catches a sparkling line of spittle attached to the lips of the lovers. Mary rolls this on her finger and then places her finger into Jesus’ mouth where he suckles it like a babe at its mother’s breast. The time is very long ago.
Jesus: Oh my f’ing Father, Mary! That was amazing. Where did you learn that …thing you did with your tongue? Wow!!!!
Mary: That’s my secret big guy. A girl doesn’t give away her secrets, you know? How’d you like it when I swung in here naked on that wrecking ball? Hot, huh? Oh, by the way, we owe the driver of the wrecking ball truck five bucks. I thought getting to see me naked would be payment enough for his services, but he said he can’t feed his family with a woody, so we owe him the five bucks.
Jesus: Yeah. Sure thing. For something that hot, I’d pay 50 bucks. Here, go pay him [Jesus hands Mary a five dollar bill with Julius Caesar’s face on it]. I’ll be right out. Oh, and bring him the rest of the bagels, would you? They’ll just go to waste sitting here. You and I are the only ones who eat ’em, and I’m full.
Mary: [Putting her dress over her head and going toward the door] Sure thing, babe.
As she takes the bagel box off the night stand we get one more close up of the name on the box, and we quick-cut to a long shot showing us the back room of one of Herod’s Temple brothels. In the shot we see Herod, Judas, and several Pharisees. Herod hands Judas a bag which he opens. He takes out silver pieces and places them back into the bag which he then places in his pocket. He smiles at Herod and the Pharisees and heads toward the Temple exit. Just audible over the hum and buzz of the people around him, we hear him say over his shoulder, “It’s a great day for a betrayal, my friends. See you all later.” Cut to black.
Cut to a long shot in 65mm of Jesus and Peter standing beside their horses at the entrance to one of Herod’s gambling casinos cleverly hidden inside a “Centurion’s Pizza” pizza restaurant for kids.
Peter: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Jesus. Where’s Judas? Wasn’t he supposed to meet us here?
Jesus: Patience, my young apprentice. You must learn patience if you are to be the rock upon which I build the foundation of my new Temple. Herod is inside this casino. That’s why we’re here. It’s time I ended his attacks on me and Mary over my having freed her from his pimpy clutches. As well, I’m quite certain several Pharisees are also inside. It’s time those bastards got their comeuppance as well.
Peter: OK, man. I’m with you, JC. I just hope….
Peter is cut off before he can finish his sentence by two hooded Ninjas leaping from atop the Pizza parlor and swinging swords at his and Jesus’ heads. Jesus waves his hand and grips both Ninjas in a force-like grip that would make Yoda proud. He snaps both of their necks and tosses them into the door of the restaurant opening it. Inside several thugs dressed in golden three-piece suits open fire on Jesus and Peter with semi-automatic weapons. Before Jesus can react, Judas leaps up behind him and Peter and knocks them both unconscious with a billy club. Cut to black.
Next we cut to a loud white screen as the voice of Patrick Stewart as God is heard, softly at first, then much more loudly, talking to Jesus.
God: Jesus! Wake up you knucklehead! Wake up! I warned you not to trust Judas! He’s too damn good-looking to be any good. Why, oh why, didn’t you listen to me?
Jesus begins to wake up as the scene comes into focus. We see that he and Peter are tied to chairs in the center of an old barn somewhere. Herod, several Pharisees, and Judas are standing looking at the bound men as Jesus starts to speak.
Jesus: Dad? Dad? You’re chastising me at a moment like this? When oh, when will you ever realize I’m a grown up and I know what I’m doing?
Herod: Well, Well. If it ain’t the almighty Jesus Christ talking to himself outta fear of King Herod and his revenge! Brother, you are going to be one suffering mother fucker in the next few minutes! I’m going to let your pal Judas here get all Romanesque on your ass and torture you for a few days before I cut off your mother fuckin’ head and stick it on a pike outside my throne room. You a dead shit-bag, savior boy. And after you, I’m killing me that bitch whore you stole from me that you’re so fond of fuckin’. I’m going to have an army of centurions rape her whore-ass to death over several weeks. The fuckin’ bitch is gonna be killed from fuckin’! How’s that make you feel, almighty one?
Jesus: It kinda pisses me off, Herod. You know, like you making a mockery of my Father’s Temples with your bullshit gambling and whore running. You’re gonna pay for that.
Herod: Right, mother fucker! And how much am I gonna get charged by your soon to be dead ass for pissing in your daddy’s houses, huh?
Jesus: Oh, I’d say about 30 pieces of silver, if I’m correct on what we paid for ten, out of work, Roman centurions. Isn’t that what they cost us, Judas? [Jesus stands as the ropes binding him and Peter to their chairs fall to the ground and the doors to the barn fly open revealing ten fully armed Roman centurions standing just outside.]
Judas: Yep. Exactly. These guys were outta work, being that Rome isn’t in a war at the moment. And they’ve been really antsy for some practice work as well as for some decent pay. For 30 pieces of silver, they promised they’d scourge, beat, and crucify Herod and these here Pharisees out in some back-woods area that no decent Roman would ever be caught dead in. See, this way, Pilot never has to know WHAT happened to Herod the Great and a few piss-ant Pharisees. He’ll only know they’re gone. These pricks thought they were giving me 30 pieces of silver to betray you, Jesus. But in fact, they were actually paying for their executioners to execute them. Irony is a fuckin’ bitch, ain’t it, boys?” [Judas spits on Herod after saying this line].
The centurions rush in and grab Herod and the Pharisees before they can even begin to react to what has just transpired. They shackle them, and as they do, we hear the voice of God shouting: “Atta boy, Jesus! You’re a chip off the old block! Hot damn, son! Way to go, you ‘ole son of a bitch, you! And Satan, you owe me ten bucks if you’re listening to this. I told you, never count my boy out! He’s a winner! Just like his ‘ole man!”
From somewhere out of frame, we hear the voice of Satan, played by none other than Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, cry out: “Curses! Foiled again!”
Herod: Well I’ll be a fucked pig in a god damned syrup-soaked blanket! I’ve been fucked over by a do-gooder messiah and some crazy-ass Jewish boys! Son of a bitch! Ain’t that just a mother fucker?!
Herod says his last line as he’s dragged out of the barn by two centurions. The eight remaining centurions beat the Pharisees as they shackle them. As they are dragged out of the barn, the Pharisees beg Jesus to save them and to be merciful. To which Jesus replies, “Fuck you. I hear crucifixion REALLY sucks, boys. Please let me know what you think of it. After all, it is what you wanted for me, isn’t it?”
The camera cuts back to a medium shot as we see Jesus and the two Apostles begin to straddle their horses for the ride back to HQ.
Judas: Hope I didn’t hit you too hard there, big guy. And you, too, Peter. I wanted things to look real, you know?
Jesus: No worries, pal. And nice work. See, Peter, I told you. Patience.
Peter: I’m one sponge-like rock when it comes to you and your lessons, Jesus. I’m very impressed. And hungry. Let’s get some pizzas to take back to Mary and the fellas, eh?
As the three men nod in agreement at this suggestion, the camera pans up, and then quickly down again onto a dark road in a deprecated woods where we see and hear the screams of the crucified Pharisees as they hang on crosses next to King Herod, the Great, whose own cross bares this sign: “Here Hangs Herod, King Of The Jews, Who Dared Anger Jesus, Bad-Ass King Of All Mankind.”
And we fade to black.