I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

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Can A Heathen Have A Favorite Christmas Song?

You bet your ass he can! I didn’t think a Christmas song could evoke positive sentimental feelings in me until I heard the Pogue’s “Fairytale of New York” a few years ago. Drunk tanks, failed dreams, arguments with my girlfriend, these things are human things, things I relate to. They remind me I am alive. I lived, and loved, and mattered. I made people angry, happy and sad sometimes, as they did me. It’s the process of living this song reminds me of, of being a part of existence with everyone else here. Right now. The first version of the song I’ve included here is with Alan Doyle, Samantha Barks, and Russell Crowe and was performed a few years ago in New York. The embedded video is a solo version of it performed by an Irish folk singer named Christy Moore. The more I hear this song, the more I love it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoVHclTIJjQ&list=FLoQATGhmPVfXvAGUtCHaVwg&index=13

Yoda & Darth Vader Discuss Noah, The Movie

Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah,  movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?

Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!

Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.

Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?

Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be.  Forever.

Sith Lord Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Sith Lord & Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?

Yoda: Lied I did.

Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?

Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did.  Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.

Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Fini

 

 

 

 

God Watches “Les Miserables,” Sinks Noah’s Ark

The Lord, God, revealed some interesting information to me earlier today when he dropped by my office to return a Blu-ray copy of “Blood Sucking Freaks” I recently lent him.  Here’s what he told me: “I learned that Russell Crowe was going to be playing Noah just after seeing him in “Les Miserables” last year. The rattling vibrations of white-noise he emitted while “singing” in that film, combined with the idea he’d soon be playing Noah, sent me into a berserk, animal-like rage. I transported myself back in time and sent the real Noah’s Ark, and everything on board her, to the bottom of the ocean.

Noah's Ark Sinking

Noah’s Ark Sinking

The story of Noah’s Ark has been official removed from The Bible because no one lived to tell it, thus ensuring that no movie about it will ever be made with Russell Crowe as Noah. This helps lessen Crowe’s over all film appearances and the chance we will have to endure his singing again should he decide to add a song or two into more of his films. Feel free to say, ‘Thank God for that,’ because it WAS me who did it.”

Molly Malone And Why I Love Folk Songs

Singing and learning about folk songs are two of my favorite joys in life. Folk songs are the poems of the people, and they belong to us all. They are about us. Our day-to-day lives and all the happy and sad shit that happens to us each day we are here.Traditionally, folk songs were passed on from one group of people to another orally and not written down til decades or even centuries later. There are really no”correct”versions for most of them because of this. The melodies to some go back centuries and are fairly consistent, but people have added and changed the lyrics to many, many times over the years, sometimes so much so the whole meaning of the song has changed from what it once was. Woody Guthrie wrote “This Land Is Your Land” during the Great Depression era as a response to Irving Berlin after he wrote “God Bless America”.  It is an angry song and it has the rhetorical message that America SHOULD be for you AND me, but actually isn’t. Few people sing the whole song as Guthrie wrote it, so it often surprises people when they learn this about it. It did me, anyway.

One of my favorite folk songs is the Irish tune, “Molly Malone.” I do a kick-ass version of this “unofficial” anthem of Dublin myself, if I must say. It is about a fictional fish monger/working girl named Molly Malone who sells cockles and mussels by day but, though the lyrics don’t mention this, is a beautiful, desired “working gal” by night. She gets sick and dies young and that’s it for her. Fucking awesome song.When I first heard it in a Dublin pub years ago I knew it was one I had to sing. Though she wasn’t a real person , a cool statue of her, and her hot cleavage, stands proudly in Dublin for all to see. Also, the 13th of June, I think, is Molly Malone day there and an official holiday. Dublin takes a day off to celebrate for a women who never existed because THAT’S how much they love the song about her. In reality, I tend to think an 18th century fish monger would smell so much like dead fish by the time night came, any night-time frolicking for pay would be a profitless under taking.  The Newfoundland group, “Great Big Sea” with Alan Doyle does this song well. Alan Doyle and Russell Crowe do a version of this I like too, which I’ve put below. Sinead O’Connor does a beautiful version and I’ve included that as well. Any way, I’ll write more on folk songs in future posts.