I Probably Shouldn’t Have Used A Lightsaber For…

I received a working lightsaber for Christmas last year.  Here are some things I probably shouldn’t have used it for.

My Lightsaber

1.)  Opening a can of tuna.

2.)  Cleaning the wax out of my ears.

3.)  Brushing my hamster.

4.)  Chasing a group of young ruffians off of my lawn.

5.)  A vibrator.

6.)  Knocking on my neighbor’s door.

7.)  Filling out my income taxes.

8.)  Wiping my butt after going #2.

9.)  Eating spaghetti.

10.)  Proposing to my girlfriend.

 

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Offers I Made To Putin In 2016

As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States.  Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it.  Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.

“Nyet! These offers suck!” Putin shouts

1.)  A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.

2.)  A hairless cat named Bill.

3.)  2 goldfish.  One was alive.

4.)  The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.

5.)  A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.

6.)  A Playboy magazine from 1985.  It was, however, missing the centerfold.

7.)  A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.

8.)  A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.

9.)  My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.

10.)  A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.

Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me.  And we all know how THAT’S turned out.  Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me.  Hopefully, he will.  I’ll let you know.

 

 

Texas And Florida Devoured By Giant Turkeys

Here’s a Thanksgiving day classic from yesteryear. I won a Pulitzer for this.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

Giant Turkeys Like These Devoured Florida And Texas That Was Yummy!

A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states.  Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit.  Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock,  gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me.  The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.

TACP:  Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in…

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10 True Statements

The following 10 statements are all true.  “They” all say this.  And when have “they” ever been known to be wrong?

1.)  Atheists are people who do not believe in the real God.

2.)  It is harmless to dismiss all news you don’t agree with as fake.

3.)  When Republicans say they want to get rid of food stamps, SSI, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, they’re only talking about taking them away from illegal aliens, black people, Democrats, and Hispanics, not real Americans who depend on these programs to live.

4.)  If you do not accept Jesus as your true Lord and Savior, you’re a Muslim.

5.)  White, Christian men do not commit acts of terrorism in the U.S.  Only dark-skinned Muslims are terrorists.   White men who shoot up churches and schools are simply “mentally ill”.

6.)  If you believe in equality under the law for women and equal pay for equal work for women, you’re gay.

7.)  If you’re a transgender women you’re merely a male who wants to go into women’s restrooms to rape them.  Transgender women raping genetic women in restrooms across America is the greatest crisis facing Republicans today.

8.)  There are no poor people in America–only very lazy people who refuse to work.

9.)  Men who believe in climate change are beta cucks.

10.)  The wealthiest people in America deserve the biggest tax cuts because they work the hardest, are extremely good-looking, and believe very strongly in the Lord Jesus Christ who loves money, and real estate, more than his own mother.

$Amen$

 

 

Foods Without Gods: A Deity Free Grocery Store

The first ever atheist grocery store. Another oldie but not-read-too-muchy post from days gone by.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

The Arm Chair Pontificator is very proud to welcome our first ever commercial sponsor, “Foods Without Gods,” the first ever atheist grocery store, where every item sold has been prepared free of any and all deities, 100% guaranteed!  Store Vice President, Hank Me’dickoff had this to say earlier today. “We at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ felt it was time we addressed the burning question EVERY a-theist has asked since before Moses parted The Red Sea: ‘Why in fuck’s name do I have no choice but to shop for groceries at stores where theists also shop and contaminate the food by touching it with their dirty, theistic hands?’ Well, my friends in non-belief, thanks to us here at ‘Foods Without Gods,’ no a-theist will ever have to ask that question again.

Anger A-theist Points Out A Theist Touching Produce In The Grocery Store Atheist Tired Of Theists  Touching His Produce

The concept behind ‘Foods Without Gods’ is to provide, for a-theists, a grocery store…

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King Herod To Host 2018 Annual Heaven/Hell Christmas Party

A Holiday post from days gone by which very few ever got to read.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

King Herod will be hosting the annual Heaven/Hell Christmas party at his home in Topeka, Kansas next month. “To be honest, I’m surprised Jesus asked me to do this after last year’s fiasco,” Herod said.  “To make a long story short, after 4 Vodka martini’s each, Mao Tse Tung and I thought it would be hysterical to put John the Baptist’s severed head in Jesus’ bed with a note saying, ‘We made you an offer you couldn’t refuse’  like in the ‘Godfather’, you know.  Well, what we didn’t know was that Jesus, who’s got a great sense of humor, and Yahweh, who doesn’t have ANY, had switched rooms for the night.

God Gives Head He Found In Bed To Hotel Maid Yahweh Handing Human Head He Found In His Bed To Hotel Maid For Disposal

Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling and screaming that went on when Yahweh crawled into bed that night.  Most everyone there blamed…

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Robert The Reviewer: The Critical Scotsman

I created this character a few years ago and have decided to re-visit him by re-posting this piece. I like everything Scottish for some reason.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

TACP is proud to welcome Robert the Reviewer to our team of ace reporters. He is joining us from Edinburgh, Scotland where he’s worked as a media critic for several years. He was recently let go from his position as Ace Media Critic at the Edinburgh Times after it was discovered he’d actually never seen any of the movies he reviewed or read any of the books he critiqued. He simply parroted what he heard others say about whatever it was he was reviewing or flat-out made up a review based on something entirely unrelated. Well, we here at TACP admire he’s gusto and his brogue, so we hired him to review movies and books for our readers and have encouraged him NOT to see or read them before hand. In a society filled with people who rarely bother with details, like checking the facts before expounding on a topic…

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