I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee. Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children. I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius. I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$. I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them. So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes. Was this nice? No. Was it necessary? Yes. What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them. UNFAIR!!! I call bunk on them. All they have to do is give me my gar-darned Nobel Prize and all will be over! I will never cease bothering them until this happens. Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way! I swear to Zeus, I will. Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order. I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump. Oh, I gotta go now. They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch. I’ll see everyone very soon. You can take that to your bank and deposit it! $Amen$
As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it. Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize. I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live. Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist. Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what? I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them. Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.
The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee. I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life. Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist. This is ridiculous and cruel. How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake? None but me that I can think of. Is this not a major story for the media? It should be. But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them. This is abusive, unfair, and cruel. The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself. I’ll stand for it no more. From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media. They are fake. And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.
I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me. So far, he’s not responded to me. He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt. My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them. It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks. So buckle up and enjoy the show. It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget. $Imperious Rex$
Special thanks to my pal over at Precinct 1313 for making me a special agent. Now, if only the Nobel Prize Committee would finally give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize, I could die a happy man.
If you’re a fan of DC Comics and/or Superheros in general, make sure to stop by https://precinct1313.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/precinct1313s-special-agent-awards/ for some fun, informative reading.
I’ve not been able to post this week because the Nobel Prize Committee has sent several ninjas and assassins to kill me. Thus, I’ve been hiding out in the woods of Michigan with some pizza, some beer, and a few comic books. I sent boxes of live fire ants to each member of the Nobel Committee because they continually refuse to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize. Apparently, they did not like being bitten by the fire ants I sent them, so they hired professionals to kill me. Once this blows over, which hopefully will be any day now cause I’m running outta pizza and beer, I’ll post regularly again. Thanks for reading, and please, if you see any ninjas or assassins, don’t tell them where I am.
Those bastards on the Nobel Committee have had a restraining order issued against me again. Me! THE most brilliant mind ever to issue a one-sided, profanity filled, and emotionally clouded statement this side of Emperor Palpatine.
I know, with absolute certainty, because I thought hard about it, that the Nobel Committee is pissed at me for having asked The Illuminati for a job recently. What kind of paranoid, prejudiced shit is that, huh?! My wanting to be a secret agent of evil is none of their concern and being discriminated against like this is only going to make me work harder to get a Nobel Prize from them. If they think 7000 emails, 400 ding-dong-ditch pranks, and 300 harassing phone calls at 3AM over a one week period was annoying, just wait til my lawyer gets this fucking restraining order lifted! BASTARDS