Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office the other day and demanded I interview him because he said his girlfriend, his mother, and his dog, Bangertoo, wanted me to. I had nothing else to do, so I did.
TACP: Well, Mr. Bangerharder, let me start off by asking you, why is it you’re called the overly dramatic man?
Bangerharder: Oh, it’s because of the incredibly exciting life I lead. Why, on my way here just now, I was attacked by several terrorists with machine guns. I jumped at them before they could fire at me and disarmed all of them using only my belt and a single shoelace. As I did this, a crowd of people gathered around me and cheered me on. They hollered, “You get ’em, Overly Dramatic Man. You show ’em how awesome and larger than life you really are!” It was a moment of excellence that few in this life, or the next, will ever get to see.
TACP: Wow. That sounds quite impressive. Um, excuse me, but why are you crawling up on top of my desk?
Bangerharder: So I can stand on it whilst telling you more about my intriguing and fascinating life. I was born underwater in a U.S. military submarine just as the Soviets fired at nuke at it in the summer of 1970. I survived, because, even as a newborn, I had a knack for getting myself out of sticky situations with my superior power for overly dramatic actions. I knew if I didn’t exit the submarine quickly, I’d be turned into a blot of radioactive baby goo. Thus, I ran as quickly as my tiny baby legs could carry me and jumped into the helmet of an underwater diving suit. Then, just seconds before the missile hit us, I crawled into a torpedo launch tube and blasted myself free of the sub. I was adrift in the ocean for several minutes until a killer whale grabbed me in its mouth and carried me safely into New York harbor. From there, I was picked up, and later adopted, by actor Marlon Brando. Together, we developed many acting techniques which Marlon later used in his famous portrayal of Vito Corleone in the Academy Award winning movie, The Godfather. And this, my friend, is but one of the hundreds of stories I have about my unique and overly dramatic life.
TACP: I must say, I’m quite impressed. I often tell difficult to believe tales myself, but you seem to have even me beat in that category. Your most welcome to stop by any time and regale my readers with another story of your adventures, if you so wish.
Bangerharder: I will do that one day. But for now, I must depart because the Queen of England needs me to remove thousands of lizard-like aliens that have swarmed the gates of Buckingham Palace. Farewell my friend, until we meet again.
TACP: ‘Bye now. And thanks again for stopping by.