Meet Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man

Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office the other day and demanded I interview him because he said his girlfriend, his mother, and his dog, Bangertoo, wanted me to.  I had nothing else to do, so I did.

Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man

Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man

TACP:  Well, Mr. Bangerharder, let me start off by asking you, why is it you’re called the overly dramatic man?

Bangerharder:  Oh, it’s because of the incredibly exciting life I lead.  Why, on my way here just now, I was attacked by several terrorists with machine guns.  I jumped at them before they could fire at me and disarmed all of them using only my belt and a single shoelace.  As I did this, a crowd of people gathered around me and cheered me on.  They hollered, “You get ’em, Overly Dramatic Man.  You show ’em how awesome and larger than life you really are!”  It was a moment of excellence that few in this life, or the next, will ever get to see.

TACP:  Wow.  That sounds quite impressive.   Um, excuse me, but why are you crawling up on top of my desk?

Bangerharder:  So I can stand on it whilst telling you more about my intriguing and fascinating life.   I was born underwater in a U.S. military submarine just as the Soviets fired at nuke at it in the summer of 1970.  I survived, because, even as a newborn, I had a knack for getting myself out of sticky situations with my superior power for overly dramatic actions.  I knew if I didn’t exit the submarine quickly, I’d be turned into a blot of radioactive baby goo.  Thus, I ran as quickly as my tiny baby legs could carry me and jumped into the helmet of an underwater diving suit.  Then, just seconds before the missile hit us, I crawled into a torpedo launch tube and blasted myself free of the sub.  I was adrift in the ocean for several minutes until a killer whale grabbed me in its mouth and carried me safely into New York harbor.  From there, I was picked up, and later adopted, by actor Marlon Brando.   Together, we developed many acting techniques which Marlon later used in his famous portrayal of Vito Corleone in the Academy Award winning movie, The Godfather.   And this, my friend, is but one of the hundreds of stories I have about my unique and overly dramatic life.

TACP:  I must say, I’m quite impressed.  I often tell difficult to believe tales myself, but you seem to have even me beat in that category.   Your most welcome to stop by any time and regale my readers with another story of your adventures, if you so wish.

Bangerharder:  I will do that one day.  But for now, I must depart because the Queen of England needs me to remove thousands of lizard-like aliens that have swarmed the gates of Buckingham Palace.   Farewell my friend, until we meet again.

TACP:  ‘Bye now.  And thanks again for stopping by.

 

Interview With A Mime

Silent Town, Oregon.    An old mime friend of mine, Meme D. Mime, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office yesterday to return a pen he borrowed from me in the 90’s.   In order to prevent me from kicking his ass for taking so long to return it, Meme agreed to be interviewed for the site.   The interview, completely unaltered from when I first made it up, follows below.

 

ACP:  Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Meme.  Though, I gotta tell ya, I’m still tempted to kick your ass for taking so long to return my pen.  Just not cool dude.  Pens aren’t easy to come by.  What do you have to say for yourself?

 

Meme D. Mime:combat-de-mime

 

ACP:  Oh, don’t be a pussy, Meme.  I’m just fuckin’ with you.  Ya gotta lighten up a bit.  You’ll give yourself a heart attack.

 

Meme D. Mime:  cartoon-mime-hug

 

ACP:   What?  You want a hug?  OK.  Just this once, but don’t tell anyone.  I’ve a reputation to uphold.

 

Meme D. Mime:  Mime-web

 

ACP:  OK.  You’re welcome.  Now, let’s get back to the questions.  Since I haven’t seen you in a few years, I was wondering, what have you been doing with yourself to make a living?

 

Meme D. Mime:  mimes_4a41a107b7f61_hires

 

ACP:  Really?  You’ve been touring with the musical Cats playing Rum Tum Tugger?  I had no idea you could sing.   You’ve got to get me tickets next time you’re in town with the show.  It’ll make up for the pen you took 20 years to return to me.

 

Meme D. Mime: mimewear

 

ACP:   What do you mean you’ve got to think about that?  You’re an a-hole, pal.  You know that?

 

Meme D. Mime: mime-cartoon-002

 

ACP:  Oh, so you were just fuckin’ with me this time, eh?  OK.  You got me.  You can have one more hug, but then ya probably should go.  It’s gettin’ so sugary sweet in here I’m gettin’ a tooth ache.

 

Meme D. Mime:  boston-mime

 

ACP:   You’re outta here, eh?  OK, Meme.  Good seeing you.  Stop by again soon, and remember, get me tickets to Cats when you’re in town with the show.  Bye now.

Exclusive! TACP Interviews Jesus

Jesus stopped by TACP offices today to pay me the ten bucks he owed me on a bet over last night’s basketball game.  As usual, he was short and expected me to just let it slide. “No way, JC,” I told him. “You pull this every time you lose a bet to me. So you’re at least giving me an exclusive interview this time to make up for it.” JC agreed to this, and my interview with him follows.

TACP: So, Jesus, Isis tells me you’ve been looking into a good home to retire to once humanity’s faith in you is gone completely. Is that true?

Retired Goddess Isis And Her Hot Legs

Retired Goddess, Isis And Her Hot Legs

JC: Isis? Wow. You talked to Isis? I haven’t seen her since… Man, I can’t even remember. Does she still have…

TACP: ….Legs that are so seductively sexy you’d swear some god designed ’em just to drive men crazy? She most definitely still does my divine pal. She most definitively still does.

JC: Hot, man! Very hot! You are one lucky man, my know-it-all smart-ass friend, very lucky indeed to have talked to her.

TACP: Well, what can I say? Divine beings like me because I’m funny. But now back to you.  Are you really planning to retire and looking for a place to live in once you do?

JC: I am indeed. As is TOTALLY the norm with you humans, you tend to replace your gods like toilet paper once your through using us to justify whatever base, vile nonsense you created us for in the first place. And as homophobia and antisemitism have about run their course with you all, the need for my existence is quickly coming to an end.

TACP: Well, I hope you don’t stop existing before you pay off the bet you lost to me on the Super Bowl last year. Dude, that’s a lot of green you owe!

JC: I’ll pay it! Stop bugging me about it, or I’ll turn you into a newt. I’m not retired yet, wise-ass.

TACP: Fine. Don’t get all pissy. So, have any of the “old god” retirement homes been to your liking?

Jesus Thinking, "Why Didn't I Retire BEFORE This?"

Jesus Thinking, “Why Didn’t I Retire BEFORE This?”

JC: One has. It’s called, Retirement Villa For The Once Divine.  It’s located in Venice, Italy and is just beautiful. All the old Greco-Roman gods have retired there. Zeus, Hercules, Apollo, and Venus gave me a tour of the place and it seemed splendid. All I could ever need is there, as it will be for all eternity.  Pretty good bet that’s where I’m going as I already gave them a huge deposit to hold a room for me.

TACP: Oh, you gave THEM a deposit for a future room, but can’t pay what you owe me right now, is that how it works?

JC: Yes. Unless you want to spend eternity as a newt, that is!

TACP: No. I don’t. But thanks for the interview, JC. My readers will love it.  I’m going to see Mad Max: Fury Road in a few minutes. Are you interested in joining me?

JC: Sure. And since I owe you money, the tickets and popcorn are on me.

TACP: Awesome. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now let’s get going. I hear there’s a cool 3D Star Wars preview before the movie, and I don’t want to miss it.

An Interview With Chewbacca

Chewbacca's Passport Pic

Chewbacca: Moments After Being Groomed

I bumped into Chewbacca, of Star Wars fame, as he was exiting the dog grooming shop I was entering to get my dog, Roxy, groomed. I told him I was a big fan and would love to interview him for my blog. He agreed, and we talked for about an hour over pizza and beer. I present excerpts from our discussion below for your enjoyment. Rest be assured, every single word is true.

ACP: Let me say, Chewie, may I call you Chewie?

Chewbacca: ARRR! OORR! AHHRR!

ACP: OK. No problem. I get it. Only Han Solo can call you Chewie. No biggie, Chewbacca. Pizza’s good, isn’t it?

Chewbacca: OOHRR! AAARH! AHHRR!

ACP: Good. Glad you like it. Now, for my first question. Are you dating anyone at the moment, or are you single?

Chewbacca: AR! HARRR! RRRRR! RHAARR! RRRH!

ACP: No! Wait! Put me down! Ouch! You’re crushing my spine! I wasn’t hitting on you! Honest, I wasn’t. I was asking if you have a lady friend at the moment. Dude, you’re not my type. Inter-species gay sex just ain’t my bag, Chewbacca (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Now, please, just stop crushing my spine and set me back down. Thanks. Now, are you dating a FEMALE at the moment, either human or Wookie?

Chewbacca: RRRRH! WOORRR! AHHROOH! ARRRRGH! RRR!

ACP: I see, so you were dating a human woman, but she broke it off because you refused to get dewormed. Well, can’t say I blame her. Worms crawling out of your partner’s ass during sex would kinda f*ck up the moment. She just wanted to be sure that wasn’t going to happen, I suppose. Let’s move on to another question. What are your thoughts on the American political scene?

Chewbacca: AARRRRRHHH!!! RRRRRHHH!!! OOORRRR!!! UUURRRGH ARRUGHHO!

ACP: No, that isn’t a joke, America really does not have socialized medical coverage for its citizens. And I agree, Governor Rick Perry is indeed a lot like Emperor Palpatine. And, yes, I do suppose the entire state of Texas is very much like a land-based version of the Death Star. I know it seems like these things must be jokes to you, but trust me, they’re not. Unfortunately.

Chewbacca: RRRGH! OOGHRR?!

ACP: Christians? Yes, they, too, are unfortunately not a joke, and they are indeed just as annoying and self-righteous as they seem. They kinda make the Sith seem rather likable, wouldn’t you say? What I wouldn’t give for them to all go hide on Dagobah with Yoda and quite bugging me with their presence. Oh well, we can’t have everything, eh? But let’s get back to you. Why are you here, Chewbacca? What brought you to Earth at this time?

Chewbacca: RRRH! OOORRH! AAARGH! OOORRH! UUGHRRR!

ACP: Oh, right. You’re here filming Star Wars: Episode 7 with J.J. Abrams. Don’t know how I could’ve forgotten that. And you’re auditioning for this year’s American Idol, eh? Well, good luck to you with that. I understand you’ve got to get back to the set now for your big scene with Han Solo, but, if I’m not outta line for asking, could you take me with you as a guest? I’d love to see the next Star Wars movie being filmed.

Chewbacca: RRH! ARRRGH! OOOP!

ACP: OK. I get it. J.J. runs a closed set, and he’d be p*ssed if you showed up there with me in tow. No worries, big guy. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with you. Good luck with all your adventures here on Earth, Chewbacca, and thanks again. This was really cool. Bye now.

Chewbacca: RRRRGH!!!

Fini