Communion Wafer Villa, Italy. Jesus announced earlier today that he is really Liam Neeson. “Yeah, I’ve been Liam Neeson for several millennia now,” Jesus said. “I didn’t want to say anything about it sooner because I didn’t think anyone would believe me, much less care. But, I’ve got a Martin Scorsese directed movie, Silence, coming out in December, and I figured if people knew I was really Liam Neeson, the chances of it being nominated for a few Academy Awards would greatly increase. Let me put it this way: I’ve got the power to send members of the Academy to either Heaven or Hell. If they give my film a few Academy Awards, and I’ll send ’em to Heaven. If they don’t, I’ll send ’em to Hell. It’s that simple. Gotta run now, I’ve got a few re-shoots to do, and Mr. Scorsese hates it when I’m late.”
Here are three big, ambitious projects I started over the years but never finished because of laziness, boredom, and/or circumstances completely out of my control.
One: I started writing an autobiography entitled, “Francis, Marty and Me.” It was about the experiences I had hanging out with film directors Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorsese in New York City back in the early ’70’s. I actually finished half the book before it dawned on me that I was only 6 years old in 1971. This revelation, plus the fact that I’ve never even so much as passed by Coppola or Scorsese in an airport, caused me to drop this little project like I’d drop a girlfriend who suddenly told me she was a Creationist.
Two: In 1989, I bought a book called, “How To Create A Worm Hole In Your Kitchen.” With it, I created a tiny worm hole in my kitchen right next to my fridge. I was hoping to trick my scores of enemies, one at a time, into coming over for a nice glass of refreshing milk. When they did, I’d shove them into the worm hole on our way to the fridge. Well, after I’d done this once or twice, I got bored with it and stopped doing it. I left the worm hole open, however, just in case I needed to use it for something later. But by the time I moved from the apartment, I’d all but forgotten about it. I’m only remembering it now because, last night, there was a breaking news report about monsters suddenly appearing on the street where my old apartment stands. They’ve apparently been stealing human children and taking them back into the worm hole with them to do who knows what to them. I bet it really feels shitty to lose your kid like that if you’re a parent, eh? In retrospect, I guess I should’ve at least mentioned to someone there was a worm hole in the kitchen before I moved. OOPS! My bad! Won’t happen again. I promise.
Three: In the early ’90’s, I got the insane idea to become a black mamba snake breeder. I was convinced I could make millions by selling black mambas to people looking for a different kind of pet and to people seeking unique solutions to unique problems. However, after being bitten and almost killed by these snakes several times, I gave up on the project. The benefits of continuing it clearly did not out-weigh the risks. So I returned all the snakes to my supplier in Ireland, and very shortly thereafter forgot I’d ever bred the bloody things. I forgot about it right up to the moment I was hosting my grandmother’s 87th birthday party and 20 baby black mambas crawled into a room filled with my grandmother’s closest friends. A slow pandemonium ensued as the elderly party goers scampered for the door. Luckily, no one was hurt, but many were angered. I had completely forgotten I’d placed 20 eggs in my sock drawer several weeks earlier. They hatched during the party, then crawled out to join it. Not a pleasant site to see at all. And to top it off, my grandmother was so outraged over the incident, she actually hired a witch doctor from Haiti to put a voodoo hex on me. I’m convinced it’s the cause of my premature balding. In retrospect, I guess breeding black mambas was just not a bright idea to begin with. But, like my Daddy always used to say, “We live and learn, little Pontificator. We live and learn.”
TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.
Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye. The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.
Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.
Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug! I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich. You, know, a real American.
Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything. Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.
Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something. Have you done this before?
Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.
Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.
End of part one.
Coming this Christmas to a movie theater near you: Star Trek: The Christian Generation, an Arm Chair Pontificator Production.
Ship’s Mission: To check on the status of gay marriage and the ease of access to loaded hand guns throughout the galaxy while forcing the word of Jesus onto all those encountered.
Main Antagonists: Liberals from the Liberal quadrant of the galaxy: A group of free thinking radicals who oppose the forcing of any ideology or clothing onto anyone not wanting them.
Tickets available now. Get yours early before they’re sold out. Hope to see you at the theater this Christmas.