Trump-Is-God City, USA. After asking the Russians today to hack Hillary Clinton’s email server for him, Donald Trump declared, “Please, ISIS, kill Hillary Clinton. I hate her, and she bothers me.” Trump further went on to say, “Just as I’ve come to love Vladimir Putin, Russia, and China, I’ve come to develop a deep fondness for my Islamic friends in ISIS. Once you get to know them, they’re really not all that bad. They’re also really good at killing people, and I want Hillary Clinton dead right NOW!!!! She disrespects my greatness with each breath she takes. How DARE she say unflattering things about me! My pal Putin doesn’t do that, and neither do my new pals in ISIS. They like me. They think I’m smart, funny, kind, and good-looking. So, I’m asking you, my ISIS brothers, kill Hillary for me and end this idiotic Presidential race. There really is no race anyway, as only a blind, anti-American idiot would vote for Hillary over me. God bless you, ISIS, and God bless Vladimir Putin, Russia, and America.”
Hurryville, Montana. Results of a recent survey conducted by Professor Theodore Brightman, head of the Americans Are Smart department at The University of Chicago, show that 87% of Americans think Russians need to slow down. “Look,” said Professor Brightman, “this survey simply reinforces my deeply held belief that we Americans think Russians move around too quickly, and too often. What other possible reason would there be to call them Russians? If it quacks like a duck, and runs around like a duck, then it’s obviously a duck. The rest of the civilized world needs to thank me, and the Americans who filled out my survey, for pointing out this obvious fact. Yes, we Americans are amazingly bright, and it’s my goal to help share the brightness of Americans with the world at large. To conclude, I deeply hope the results of this survey will encourage Russians to slow the hell down and enjoy life. The country they live in is cold, icy, and covered in snow. That’s NOT the type of weather to be rushing around in. Someone could lose an eye, or worse. Hopefully, we’ll soon be referring to Russians by a new name, Slowvians, the calmest people on Earth.”
There are so many ideas bouncing around in my head sometimes, I feel there must be a hamster running on a wheel up there producing them. I felt compelled to jot down some of them today even though they’re rather disjointed. Oh, if your smoking a joint and someone pulls it violently from you, you’ve just been dis-jointed.
Random Thought One: Putin
I like the sound of Vladimir Putin’s last name: PUUU TTT INNNN! I would write a senseless paragraph with a lot of alliteration and use that name as the inspiration, if only I were a more childish and immature person. Wait! I AM a childish and VERY immature person! Whew! Glad of that. Now I can write it!
And Now, A Story.
Putin’s office assistant, Ivan Ur’ass, came home from work one day to his mannish wife, who had a mustache, no front teeth, and enough hair growing under her arms to stuff a queen size mattress with, twice, and said this: “Man, I had a rough day at work, honey. I had to put up with that puddin’ head Putin puttin’ on Presley tunes while eatin’ pizza and putzin’ with a puss on his face which I got tired of placatin’; so I placed him perpendicular, like a pencil, and popped his pretty nose plenty til he plopped down on the patio pavement outside by the pool for a nap. How was yer day? Oh, hand me a pop will ya? I’m pooped.” The End
Random Thought Two: Christian Apologists
Never once have I heard a Christian apologist, during one of those Apologist guy vs Science guy debates, use these four words together in the same sentence: I COULD BE WRONG. Never. Imagine William Craig Lane admitting his intelligent designer hypothesis COULD BE WRONG? No fucking way that will happen. Or imagine Ken Ham admitting he COULD BE WRONG about the Earth only being 6000 years old? No fucking way he’d ever admit that. I apologize, but Apologists have worked very hard to earn the lack of respect I now give them freely. They behave like preteen boys, always wanting to fight over who’s stronger, Superman or Hulk, and never seeing that the answer is simple: neither character is strong because neither character is real. Fighting about things that do not exist is a sure way to waste one’s life.
Random Thought Three: My dog, Roxy
Roxy is a miniature, long hair Dachshund and has been my best pal for almost 12 years now. She’s been a better friend to me than most humans I’ve known. She’s always nice to me and I love her dearly. She’s the best thing that’s ever been in my life. Say hello to everyone, Rox.
Bye for now.
In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.
“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!
President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.
Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”