Trump-Is-God City, USA. After asking the Russians today to hack Hillary Clinton’s email server for him, Donald Trump declared, “Please, ISIS, kill Hillary Clinton. I hate her, and she bothers me.” Trump further went on to say, “Just as I’ve come to love Vladimir Putin, Russia, and China, I’ve come to develop a deep fondness for my Islamic friends in ISIS. Once you get to know them, they’re really not all that bad. They’re also really good at killing people, and I want Hillary Clinton dead right NOW!!!! She disrespects my greatness with each breath she takes. How DARE she say unflattering things about me! My pal Putin doesn’t do that, and neither do my new pals in ISIS. They like me. They think I’m smart, funny, kind, and good-looking. So, I’m asking you, my ISIS brothers, kill Hillary for me and end this idiotic Presidential race. There really is no race anyway, as only a blind, anti-American idiot would vote for Hillary over me. God bless you, ISIS, and God bless Vladimir Putin, Russia, and America.”
Jesus stopped by TACP offices today to pay me the ten bucks he owed me on a bet over last night’s basketball game. As usual, he was short and expected me to just let it slide. “No way, JC,” I told him. “You pull this every time you lose a bet to me. So you’re at least giving me an exclusive interview this time to make up for it.” JC agreed to this, and my interview with him follows.
TACP: So, Jesus, Isis tells me you’ve been looking into a good home to retire to once humanity’s faith in you is gone completely. Is that true?
JC: Isis? Wow. You talked to Isis? I haven’t seen her since… Man, I can’t even remember. Does she still have…
TACP: ….Legs that are so seductively sexy you’d swear some god designed ’em just to drive men crazy? She most definitely still does my divine pal. She most definitively still does.
JC: Hot, man! Very hot! You are one lucky man, my know-it-all smart-ass friend, very lucky indeed to have talked to her.
TACP: Well, what can I say? Divine beings like me because I’m funny. But now back to you. Are you really planning to retire and looking for a place to live in once you do?
JC: I am indeed. As is TOTALLY the norm with you humans, you tend to replace your gods like toilet paper once your through using us to justify whatever base, vile nonsense you created us for in the first place. And as homophobia and antisemitism have about run their course with you all, the need for my existence is quickly coming to an end.
TACP: Well, I hope you don’t stop existing before you pay off the bet you lost to me on the Super Bowl last year. Dude, that’s a lot of green you owe!
JC: I’ll pay it! Stop bugging me about it, or I’ll turn you into a newt. I’m not retired yet, wise-ass.
TACP: Fine. Don’t get all pissy. So, have any of the “old god” retirement homes been to your liking?
JC: One has. It’s called, Retirement Villa For The Once Divine. It’s located in Venice, Italy and is just beautiful. All the old Greco-Roman gods have retired there. Zeus, Hercules, Apollo, and Venus gave me a tour of the place and it seemed splendid. All I could ever need is there, as it will be for all eternity. Pretty good bet that’s where I’m going as I already gave them a huge deposit to hold a room for me.
TACP: Oh, you gave THEM a deposit for a future room, but can’t pay what you owe me right now, is that how it works?
JC: Yes. Unless you want to spend eternity as a newt, that is!
TACP: No. I don’t. But thanks for the interview, JC. My readers will love it. I’m going to see Mad Max: Fury Road in a few minutes. Are you interested in joining me?
JC: Sure. And since I owe you money, the tickets and popcorn are on me.
TACP: Awesome. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now let’s get going. I hear there’s a cool 3D Star Wars preview before the movie, and I don’t want to miss it.