Edmonton, Alberta. A man was arrested yesterday in a local McDonald’s for having a secret agenda. “I just felt there was something suspicious about the way he was looking at me while ordering his food,” said McDonald’s employee, Benny Wannafuker.
McDonald’s Employee, Benny Wannafuker
“So, after I served him his food, I called the police, and they immediately arrested him. The dude was using his secret agenda to intimidate everyone in the restaurant, and I simply was not gonna have it. People with secret agendas can’t be trusted. Why? Well, because if their agendas weren’t dangerous they wouldn’t have to be kept secret.” The Edmonton police department refused to comment on this incident when asked because they said it was classified top-secret.
The Hamburglar In Happier Times
Fat Town, USA. In shocking news today, Hamburglar, the well-known and long time McDonald’s Restaurant employee, was arrested on charges he’s been embezzling money from the company for years. “We started to suspect something wasn’t right when Hamburglar began showing up for work driving his very own car,” said McDonald’s spokesperson, Bert Benmeover. “There’s no way in hell one of OUR employees could afford to do that without being up to something illegal. So, Ronald McDonald spied on him one night after the store Hamburglar was working in closed. And, sure enough, Ronald saw him taking money from the register and pocketing it. Ronald had the thieving bastard arrested, but not before beating his ass almost to within an inch of his life. Ronald’s saying since his days in the hood has always been, rob from me, get your ass kicked to within an inch of your life. Most of us here at McDonald’s know and understand this and avoid pissing off the clown at all costs. Too bad Hamburglar had to learn it the hard way. Perhaps a few years breaking rocks on a chain gang down South will further teach the son of a bitch that stealing from Ronald McDonald is not a good idea. In the meantime, McDonald’s is currently looking for a juvenile, costumed jackass to take the place of Hamburglar. If you’re interested, email your resume, along with a photo of you in your costume, to firstname.lastname@example.org, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m able.”