Miami, Florida. A locale man who purchased a wolverine from an online pet store had his face torn off by it when it arrived at his home last night. “Yeah, in retrospect, this was perhaps not a great idea,” said Herbert Dumfuchr, the man in question, “but I’ve wanted to have a pet wolverine ever since I was a kid. They’re SOOOO cute!
After a great deal of research, I found an exotic online pet store that sold them, bought one, and had it shipped to my house. I know wolverines have a reputation for being wild and very aggressive, but, hey, I’m a real sweetheart of a guy, and I figured the wolverine would sense this and give me kisses as soon as it saw me. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. The little bugger jumped onto my head the moment I took it out of its crate, tore my face off, then scurried away. Live and learn, eh? Live and learn. Oh, if you’re in the Miami area and see a wolverine running around with a human face in its mouth, please call me at 1-555-555-4534. There may still be time to have it reattached to my skull. Thanks, and God bless.”