The Rock As Ken Ham In Ken Ham: The Motion Picture
Coming this July from TACP Productions, Ken Ham: The Motion Picture, starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Ken Ham and Bryan Cranston as his nemesis, The Evil Atheist Infidel.
Bryan Cranston As The Evil Atheist Infidel
After seeing this movie, you will believe a grown man can be dumber than a doorknob and more cantankerous than an enraged baboon. Follow the adventures of a muscle-bound creationist, Ken Ham, as he trumps across America attempting to cram his own personal take on Christianity up the anus of his arch-enemy, The Evil Atheist Infidel. If you enjoy watching angry Christians with a distorted sense of reality crying about the injustices they endure because America is not a theocratic nation under their rule, then this is the movie for you. See Ken Ham: The Motion Picture. Jesus will love you for it.
Ken Ham Shows Off His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard
Hollow Skull, Kentucky. Creationist and founder of the highly intelligent Creation Museum in Kentucky, Ken Ham, announced today he is sponsoring a Search For Terrestrial Intelligence program in order to find the few intelligent people on Earth who realize the Bible is, word for word, undeniably true, and Jesus is our true Lord and Savior who loves everyone equally whilst hating fags. “I just know in my highly intelligent mind that there are other people out there who are as intelligent as I am,” Mr. Ham said earlier today. “I’ve come up with a test to give people to see which ones are intelligent and which are stupid, dumb-dumb heads. It’s a test I call the Search For Terrestrial Intelligence. It consists of three simple questions which are as follows: 1.) Are you intelligent enough to recognize the great intelligence I, Ken Ham, possess? 2.) Are you intelligent enough to understand the Bible is absolutely, word for word, correct? And, lastly, 3.) Do you accept the fact that if you answered ‘no’ to either of the first two questions you’ve proven yourself to be an unintelligent poo-poo head and an evil atheist? This test will weed out the dumb-dumbs from those brilliant enough to realize my superior intellect. The test will also help Jesus sort through the idiots who didn’t believe in my intelligence come judgement day. It will also help me and my followers know who to hate much more clearly. So, if you think you’re intelligent, take the test and prove it. Otherwise, I, and Jesus, will just assume you’re a stupid poo-poo face.”
In a reason-defying new development, Young Earthers have joined forces with Flat Earthers and decreed that not only is the Earth much younger than the 4.5 billion years scientists say it is, it is also as flat as any note sung by Russell Crowe in the film version of “Les Miserables”.
Rev. Dick Izhard, spokesman for the new Flat/Young Earthers Society, released this statement a few hours ago. “First of all, let me say that the Earth is young. Very young. God just made it about 6 years ago. This 4.5 billion years stuff is just ludicrous. Where is the evidence for this? Nowhere. Earth is only 6 years old people. Deal with it. As well, the Earth is not round. It is flat. It was round, and hot, when God first made it, but it flattened rapidly as it cooled. There is no valid argument that can be made against this. We are standing on flat ground aren’t we? Could we stand like this on a big round ball? Hell no! We’d be on our asses. Case closed. Earth is flat.
Earth’s B-Day, 6 Years Ago. It Flattened As It Cooled
We believers in a young, flat Earth insist that our beliefs be taught in every public school in America. This will ensure all children learn the only truth about the world God made for them. We know we are absolutely right in what we believe because for many months, in closed small rooms, we meditated, denied ourselves sleep, and starved ourselves while asking God to enlighten us to the real truth about the Earth. Well, He did. And, now, we intend to force this truth on to you and your family.
Oh, and we, like God, hate gay people. And though that particular issue has nothing to do with what’s been discussed here, we felt compelled to mention it because gays are the spawn of Satan and you have to watch out or they’ll convert you to their hideous life style. Thank you for your time. We hope to be teaching our beliefs shortly in your children’s schools. Amen.”
What God Hates, We Hate
Who Wouldn’t Want To Think And Smell Like This Guy?
Men, would you like to attract women by emitting the scent of a Bronze Age Biblical writer? Women, would you find yourselves more eager to flop down and open your thighs for men if they smelled like Bronze Age Biblical writers? If you answered yes to these questions, then TACP store has just the product for you: Scent of Ham. A cologne that is guaranteed to make its wearer not only smell like Ken Ham, but think like him as well. Never before has there been a cologne that can reduce a man’s frontal cortex to the size of an amoeba while making his sweat glands as big as golf balls with one simple application. With one spray of Scent of Ham, even Richard Dawkins would be willing to stake his life on the fact the Earth is only 6000 years old and evolution is an atheist plot meant to prepare the world for the Anti-Christ. The primitive, manly aroma of Scent of Ham is so powerful, it can revive the sex drives of women who have been dead for centuries. They will literally leap from their graves as men wearing it pass by so they can get a better whiff before returning to the cold, dank earth. Buy a bottle now, while supplies last, and receive a free Crucifix, molded directly from the fossilized poop of a T-Rex, absolutely free!
The New Bond: Ken Ham
Baghdad, Iraq. Creationist and founder of Kentucky’s Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has been cast to play James Bond in the new 007 film, Continuum of Ignorance. The film will be produced by and directed by me, The Arm Chair Pontificator. The plot involves Bond’s attempts to permanently thrust the world, particularly America, back into the bronze age by thwarting the attempts of the villainous Engelbert Enlightened, played by Nobel Prize winning Physicist Peter Higgs, to safely keep it in the 21st century, scientifically speaking.
Peter Higgs Is The Evil Engelbert Enlightened
007 will be aided in his heroic attempts to permanently eliminate scientific thought and reasoning by Fox News babe, Megyn Kelly. Kelly is playing sexy new Bond girl, Carrie Mysack, a former Liberal who was so deeply disgruntled by the wimpy Democratic voter turn out in the last election she became a Creationist.
Megyn Kelly Is Bond Girl, Carrie Mysack
The film goes into production as soon as I can convince Ken Ham the cameras we’re using to film it are not devices created by Satan to capture his soul. I’ve my work cut out for me, but, like Martin Scorsese never once said to me: “Boy, if yer not tryin’ to convince a Creationist 35mm cameras aren’t really the soul-capturing tools of Satan, then you just don’t belong in the film business.” ‘Nuff said!