God Watches “Les Miserables,” Sinks Noah’s Ark

The Lord, God, revealed some interesting information to me earlier today when he dropped by my office to return a Blu-ray copy of “Blood Sucking Freaks” I recently lent him.  Here’s what he told me: “I learned that Russell Crowe was going to be playing Noah just after seeing him in “Les Miserables” last year. The rattling vibrations of white-noise he emitted while “singing” in that film, combined with the idea he’d soon be playing Noah, sent me into a berserk, animal-like rage. I transported myself back in time and sent the real Noah’s Ark, and everything on board her, to the bottom of the ocean.

Noah's Ark Sinking

Noah’s Ark Sinking

The story of Noah’s Ark has been official removed from The Bible because no one lived to tell it, thus ensuring that no movie about it will ever be made with Russell Crowe as Noah. This helps lessen Crowe’s over all film appearances and the chance we will have to endure his singing again should he decide to add a song or two into more of his films. Feel free to say, ‘Thank God for that,’ because it WAS me who did it.”

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12 thoughts on “God Watches “Les Miserables,” Sinks Noah’s Ark

  1. Noah’s ark is my favorite bible story (not because it’s true, it is not), but for the following reason. Once upon a time irrational and superstitious people neglected their environment by polluting their air and hence causing global warm, which in turn caused the polar ice caps to melt causing a world wide flood which devastated the irrational’s precious land. However, the rational people and innocent animals were saved and evacuated into space.

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    • I’m actually looking forward to the movie about this. The environmental aspect of it is supposedly touched on, which of course will piss off Christian conservatives to no end. Regardless of how much environmental damage by humans back in Noah’s time was done to change the climate, the damage we modern humans have done to the ozone is astronomical. What people don’t get is that Earth is a planet and will pretty much STILL be a planet no matter what we do to it. It just won’t be a planet suitable to life as we know it much longer. We’ve succeeded in fucking ourselves over.

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  2. But but but…shouldn’t this wipe out humanity? How come I am still here? Aren’t we all descendents of Noah and his lovely wife aka Noah’s wife?

    Could it be that while Noah was building a boat the rest of humanity simply moved inland?

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  3. Wait, that made sense…. what?

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