This Is How It’s Done, Jackman!

Claiming his alter ego, Hugh Jackman, sucked in last year’s film adaptation of “Les Miserable,” Wolverine has been cast as Jean Valjean in yet another film version of the popular musical set to premier late next year.  “Jackman’s a pussy,” said Wolverine earlier.  “The dude works out and looks tough, but then he plays Jean Valjean like an emasculated little boy. I HAD to make this film, if for no other reason than to show him how HE should’ve done it.  There’s no friggin’ way that Javert is going to be pushing me around and forcing me into hiding.  I’m the best there is at what I do, Bub. And what I do best isn’t running away. It’s standing my ground and going toe-to-toe with my enemy.

Javert, I’m Ready When You Are

People will get a confrontation scene in this movie that’s an actual CONFRONTATION, and, though I don’t want to give away too much, I will say there isn’t a suicide scene for Javert in this version because, well, he doesn’t need one.   Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who feel “Les Mis” is too sad and/or has too much singing, you’re going to love this new version.  Fantine, for example, is only ABOUT to be forced to sell her hair and teeth and to become a prostitute when a certain adamantium-clawed X-Man happens to arrive to save the day.  Fantine then sings a chipper, happier version of “I Dreamed A Dream” with these new lyrics: “I had a dream of Wolverine, of buff strong men and steely sinews. I had a dream my man would be, this superhero I am kissing!  I am so happy to exclaim!!! I am in love with Wolverine!!!”

This Time, Fantine, There’ll Be No Tears

  If that doesn’t bring down the house, NOTHING will.  As well, all the songs sung by Marius and Cosette, especially the cheesy ones they sing to each other, have been cut. They will be replaced with extended flash back scenes of me fighting Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Less singing, more fighting, bigger box office, that’s what I’m bettin’ on.  I do have one show stopping song I sing though, and that’s a reworked version of “Bring Him Home.” I sing it right after I annihilate the entire French army while in the midst of a blinding berserker rage which threatens to consume me completely. The song helps calm me down, and it goes like this: “Professor X!!! Bring me peace! Bring me Joy (woman’s name). I am hot. Very hot. Girls like me. Like it or not! But Calm me down. Or I’m shot! Bring me girls, bring me babes, and calm me down! Calm me down. Let me rest.”  And of course I do calm down, marry Fantine, and we rule France together because I’ve killed the entire French ruling class by the time the movie ends. And that, Mr. Jackman, is how THAT is done!”