New Study Finds Toddlers Unlikely To Vote In This Year’s Election

These Guys Won't Be Voting This Year

These Guys Won’t Be Voting This Year

Diaperfull City, South Dakota.   A new study conducted by a group of people somewhere in Idaho has revealed that toddlers are highly unlikely to vote in this year’s Presidential election.  “Yeah,” said Phil McSacken, spokesman for the group of people in Idaho who conducted the study, “none of the toddlers we questioned said they’d be voting in this year’s Presidential election.  As a matter of fact, most of them simply belched and spit up on us when we asked them the question.  We’re not sure if this means they didn’t like, or understand the question, or if they’re just sickened by the idea of voting all together.  Hard to tell with toddlers.  They often are hard to read and act as if nothing around them matters except them.  We’ll be doing a follow-up study to this one shortly in which we’ll determine which brand of vodka toddlers prefer most.  We’ll report on the findings as soon as we have them.”

Packs Of Toddlers Creating Terror On Chicago Streets

Toddler Hoods On The Lookout For Trouble

Toddler Hoods On The Lookout For Trouble In The Windy City

Chicago, Illinois.   In news that is as shocking as it is untrue, packs of hooligan toddlers have been terrorizing the streets of Chicago by bullying, robbing, and verbally insulting all who get in their path. “It’s brutality the likes of which I’ve not seen in my 25 years on the force,” said Chicago Detective, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. “These toddlers have respect for no one. Just today, two of them knocked over an 87-year-old woman and stole her purse. Then they called her a ninny because she had no candy in it. Oh, the humanity! They think that because they are all under six years of age that the law simply does not apply to them. Well, let me tell you, it does.

A Group Of Violent Toddlers Making Threatening Gestures

Violent Chicago Toddlers Making Threatening Gestures

They will all be caught soon. I guarantee it. And each and everyone one of these hoodlums will be placed into an appropriate preschool where they will not only be taught to respect their elders, they’ll be properly potty trained. They’ve developed the idea that public sidewalks are their own private toilets. That’s not only unsightly, it’s unsanitary. It ends soon, you punks. So, if you are reading this, know your days of terror are at an end. I’m coming for you with a one way ticket to preschool and several boxes of diapers. You can run, but not for long. Your legs are too short.”