Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding A Star Wars 7 Script

In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief,  Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.”  “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said.  “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”

Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie.  So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her.  Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that.   I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”