How My”Star Wars” Audition Confirmed My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Mediating On My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Meditating On My Faith

Since my Faith gives me a superiority over the rest of humanity, I decided it was time I did something I’ve always wanted to do: act in a “Star Wars” movie. Yesterday, I went to open auditions for the new “Star Wars” film which are currently being held in Bristol, England.  Though I live in Chicago, and open auditions for said film will soon be held here, I decided spending a grand or two to fly to England and audition made more sense. My Faith works in mysterious ways like that. I just know it’s always right though, cause it’s Faith, and doesn’t require reason or evidence to be true.  Anyway, when I got to the audition, I expected to be recognized for the Faith-filled, Nobel Prize winning, genius I am. I wasn’t.

I expected the casting directors to swoon the moment they realized me, a man of true Faith, had decided to be in their “little” film.  But I was treated no differently than the others around me also auditioning. My Faith immediately told me this was wrong. “You are special, my child, because of ME, your Faith. The beliefs of others are evil if they can not see this. So leave this place because one day, all those without YOUR Faith will burn.” Well, that made perfectly sound sense to me, so I came home. The money I spent on plane tickets was well worth it because it reinforced the truth for me. My Faith was indeed the one true Faith, and those not believing in it were going to burn. I really like my Faith.

Ben Affleck Signs Multi-Role “Star Wars” Deal With Disney

 Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding Star Wars 7 Script

Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding A Star Wars 7 Script

In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief,  Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.”  “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said.  “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”

Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie.  So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her.  Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that.   I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”

Five Morally Repugnant Acts I’ve Committed Since Becoming An A-theist

Atheists Behaving Badly

Atheists Behaving Badly

As any true a-theist will tell you, once one comes to realize there is no god, all sense of morality is tossed out the proverbial stained glass window, and anything goes.  Here are five morally repugnant acts I’ve committed since becoming an a-theist, all done guilt free.

1. I screened “The Exorcist” for a group of 7-year-old Catholic school girls and afterwards told them God hated them and the devil would possess them and torture them because they were all whores.

2. I released several black mamba snakes in a church during a wedding and laughed my fucking ass off as the entire wedding party went running and screaming from the church.

3. I filled a pinata with fire ants at a children’s birthday party then nearly pissed myself from laughing when the ants came flying out of it and bit the fuck out of the terrified kid who’d opened it.

4. I had several Tea Party members drugged and then photographed nude with dogs fucking them while they were knocked out.  I posted these online at a site I set up called, “I’m A Conservative Twit And I Want To Marry My Dog .”

5. I put a caged skunk in an elevator with 6 Catholic nuns then released it, jumped off the elevator,  jammed the door shut, and left the nuns to be repeatedly sprayed by it until a repair man unjammed the door 20 minutes later.  He, too, was then sprayed by the animal.  Funny fuckin’ shit!


Obama Sends Secret Weapon, Miley Cyrus, To Fuck With Syria

President Obama today said too much time had been wasted on debates about whether or not we should launch a military strike against Syria for its recent use of chemical weapons. “It’s time to hit those bastards hard for using that weapon. It caused great pain and suffering to those struck by it.” The President said. “So I’ve decided to deploy a secret pain inducing weapon of our own to Syria to show its leaders exactly what unfair, nasty, ugly warfare is like. Secret weapon, Miley Cyrus, will enter Syria and wag her tongue at every Syrian Official she finds. She will then gyrate her skinny ass in their faces while she sings every song in her catalog over and over and over again. Psychologists have determined no human mind can tolerate more than 30 minutes of this treatment without suffering a complete and irreversible psychic collapse. After Ms. Cyrus is finished with Syria, I absolutely fucking guarantee you they’ll never use a chemical weapon again.”

Obama Tells Syria, I'm Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Obama Tells Syria, I’m Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Miley Cyrus Says, I'm Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria's Ass

Miley Cyrus Says, I’m Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria’s Ass