Yoda & Darth Vader Discuss Noah, The Movie

Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah,  movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?

Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!

Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.

Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?

Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be.  Forever.

Sith Lord Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Sith Lord & Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?

Yoda: Lied I did.

Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?

Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did.  Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.

Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.






Following Jesus: A Special Arm Chair Pontificator Report

Hello. My name is Guillermo Gumshoe. I’m an ace reporter for TACP. I’ve just spent the last three days following Jesus around, and I’m here to tell you all about it. I will transcribe my notes, verbatim, so you can better see these events as I did when they were first happening.


Chicago: Pete’s Liquor Emporium: Broadway & Belmont.

10:00 PM: My source at the Archdiocese tells me Jesus stops by Pete’s Liquors every night at ten. He wasn’t lying. Jesus just got out of a Yellow Taxi and entered the store.

Jesus' Favorite Liquor Store

Jesus’ Favorite Liquor Store

10:15 PM: Jesus has come out of the store with two brown bags. He waves down another cab. I get in my car and follow.

10:40 PM: Wrigley Field.

Jesus is climbing over the back gate of Wrigley and entering the ball park. I follow. Jesus is on the pitcher’s mound when I see him next. Drinking what appears to be vodka, straight from the bottle. I’m hiding in the bleachers. Jesus waves his hand. The whole fucking stadium is now full of screaming Cubs fans. Jesus is in a Cubs uniform pitching to a guy in a Yankee’s uniform. Jesus strikes him out.

Jesus As Cubs Pitcher

Jesus As Cubs Pitcher

The crowd goes insane. “We just won the World Series” a guy next to me says. He slaps me on the back and hands me a beer. It’s cold and tastes good. I notice it is hot in the stadium and the sun is out. But I know it’s February and it’s night-time. Then, out of nowhere, I hear Harry Carry, the long time Cubs announcer who died perhaps 15 years ago, start singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”When he stops, it’s cold and dark again; the ball park is empty, and I see Jesus crawling back out over the back wall. I follow.

Harry Carry: Back For A Day

Harry Carry: Back For A Song

1:10 AM: Jesus enters an alley across from Wrigley Field. He gives a homeless guy the rest of his vodka and hails another cab. I quickly get in my car and follow. We drive to a motel on Lincoln Ave. Jesus gets a room for the night and enters. I watch the light in the room go out; then fall asleep in my car.


Lincoln Motel Parking Lot: Lincoln and Kedzie.

9:30 AM

Jesus comes out of his motel room eating a bagel. Looks up. Waves his hand. It is Summer again. Warm. Maybe Mid-July. We’re in a zoo, or so I think, at first. Then I realize we’re on a boat, a big boat filled with animals and at sea. I hear Jesus yell out, “Hey! Moses! Where’s the $6.50 you owe me on the game from last night?” Moses appears from out of a room marked, “LOO,” and yells,”Screw you, Jesus! You can’t pitch a game yourself then expect me to pay on a bet when you win. You’re God. You can do anything. You know, like drown a bunch of fuckers you created cause you don’t like how they turned out.” Jesus retorts,”You’ve  got me there, my old friend. I’m just fucking with you. Thought you could use a laugh or two.

Animals Inside The Ark

Animals Inside The Ark

Thought it might help cheer you up and take your mind off the fact you have to deal with tons of animal shit for the next few months. Oh, well. Sorry about that, Old Fella. I gotta go.” Jesus waves his hand. I’m back in my car in the lot of the motel. Does he know I’m following him? Did he put on that show for me?

5:00 PM

I’m inside the Chicago Shakespeare Company’s theater, on Chicago’s Navy Pier. I followed Jesus here earlier from the motel. When we got inside the theater, he waved his hand, and filled every seat with a patron. He also filled the stage with actors performing Shakespeare’s “Henry V.” Jesus is playing Henry. He’s giving the “St. Crispin’s Day” speech now. He’s fucking really good too. Really good. The whole damn cast is good. And it looks like they’re having a blast up there.

6:30 PM

The play ended and Jesus waved his hand. Theater returned to empty. We’re outside. Jesus hails a cab. I grab another and follow. Does he know I’m doing this? Does he mind? Hope not. Jesus’ cab pulls up in front of a Hair Salon called, “Mary Magdalene’s New Testament Styles.” Jesus goes inside. A very beautiful young woman runs up and kisses him passionately. He waves his hand.

Mary Magdalene: Jesus' Gal

Mary Magdalene: Jesus’ Gal


10:00 AM: Lincoln Motel Parking Lot.

I wake up, and I’m in my car in the motel parking lot again. It’s the next morning. He knows. He saw me and wanted privacy so he knocked me out ’til today. I see Jesus coming out of his room. He’s alone. He waves his hand. We’re suddenly in the movie “Star Wars.” I mean IN it. I’m Luke Skywalker in my X-Wing Fighter. Jesus is Darth Vader chasing me around the Death Star in his Tie fighter as I try to blow it up.

Death Star Chase

Death Star Chase

The feeling is exhilarating. I’ve never felt anything like it. I blow up the Death Star and Jesus waves his hand. I wake up at 10:00 PM on 02/22. I’m on the corner of Broadway and Belmont. Pete’s Liquor Emporium is across the street. I watch Jesus come out of it with two brown bags. He stops. Looks at me and waves; then he walks off, much too quickly for me to follow.


11:30 PM

I’m home. At my computer. I’m writing about my brief experience of following Jesus around, through time even, apparently. I’m amazed by it, and, I’ve really gotta say, it was a lot of fun, inexplicably odd and exhilarating, and a whole lot of fun.

Rudolph To Play A Sith Lord In Star Wars 7

J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often.  Now, if  I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”

Ben Affleck Signs Multi-Role “Star Wars” Deal With Disney

 Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding Star Wars 7 Script

Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding A Star Wars 7 Script

In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief,  Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.”  “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said.  “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”

Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie.  So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her.  Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that.   I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”