Carrie Fisher–Born: October 21st, 1956
Died: December 27th, 2016
As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60. She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today. I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time. To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had. My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day. I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia. She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time. I’ve grown up with Star Wars. It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now. I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly. The world was better with her in it. Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.
Affleck Leaving Disney Studios Holding A Star Wars 7 Script
In news sure to send fans into a raging frenzy of disbelief, Disney Studios announced today that Ben Affleck has been signed to play Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, AND Princess Leia in “Star Wars: Episodes 7, 8, and 9.” “We were tired of fans calling us EVERY fucking day asking if the original cast members would be in these new films,” Disney spokesman, James Smalldick said. “So we decided it was time we made the statement that ‘Star Wars’ is now OURS, and we can do whatever the fuck we want with it. And the fact is, no matter WHAT we do with these movies, fan boys will still see them 47 times each, thus ensuring their financial success. You just wait and see.”
Ben Affleck had this to say when asked why he choose to take on this unprecedented and ill-advised job: “I took this gig because I’m still pissed off at all the internet geeks who said horrible shit about me when I was cast to play Batman in the upcoming “Batman vs Superman” movie. So wadda you fan boys think now, eh? I bet you’d suck my cock whenever I asked you to if I’d drop this ridiculous nonsense and JUST play Batman. But fuck you, fellas. I’m playing all 3 of these parts. Though Leia is going to be the most fun to play. I’ll dress in full drag, and speak with a high-pitched lisp when I play her. Oh, before I forget, I’m insisting there be a sex scene with Leia and Han in one of these films. I’ve always wanted to seduce and fuck myself. Now I can do it on-screen. I’m bettin’ the fan boys will curse me in languages they never thought they knew when they see that. I’m not right for Batman, eh boys? Well fuck you then.”