1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies. Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind. Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka. Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him. Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.
2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie. Go to Moscow. Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you. Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl. Place some premixed pie dough into bowl. Mix. Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this. Let cookies cool. Enjoy.
3.) Lying Bastard Soup. Eat a bowl of soup in a public place. Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life. If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news. Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.
4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew. Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper. “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew. Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew. Stir in with spoon. Eat.
5.) Fascist Fried Steak. Order a steak well done at a restaurant. When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly. Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter. Get another waiter to take your order. Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else. Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.
6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza. Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people. When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza. Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up. Take out a slice and eat it. (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience. It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit. Let the audience order their own if they want some.)
7.) Impotent President Pudding. Make a pot of rice pudding. Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill. Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably. Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter. Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.
8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie. Place an apple pie in the oven. Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever. Remove pie from oven. Let cool. Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag. You’ve now made America great again.
9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger. While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel. Let gel “harden”. Place raw hamburger meat into mold. Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove meat and place on bun. Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.
10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf. Make a meatloaf. Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm). Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Bark like a puppy every time you catch one. Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.
A Russian dossier containing incriminating information on Donald Trump has recently surfaced. It’s existence poses a very important question: “Has Russia been blackmailing Donald Trump to do its bidding?” Well, the readers of this blog will be glad to learn, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have been given access to this dossier. A few interesting tidbits of information from it are presented below. Enjoy.
1.) 12/13/2011. The Donald and Vladimir make love in President Putin’s Winnebago. The act is filmed by Russian porno director, and former KGB agent, Gustav Bigdickski. Bigdickski said of the experience: “It was like filming vanilla ice cream melt all over orange sherbet.” Vladimir is rumored to be keeping the video of this event under his mattress in Moscow.
2.) 03/06/2015. The Donald comes to Moscow and declares his undying love to President Putin. Ingrid Grabpussinstein, one of Vladimir’s chamber maids, heard Trump promise Putin this: “Vlady, if you help me win the 2016 Presidential election in my country, I promise you, you’ll not only have unlimited access to my mangina, you’ll have America at your beck and call to do whatever you wish with it.”
3.) 12/25/2016. The Donald visits several of his mistresses in a bathroom in Trump Tower in order to pee on them. One of these mistresses, Beverly Idoitfordacash, overheard a call Trump placed to Vladimir Putin. Here’s what she heard: “Listen, Vlady, I put Exxon Oil CEO, Rex Tillerson on my cabinet, just like I promised you I would. He’ll do whatever you want him to. Now, can I please come over to your house so we can do the ‘nasty’ to celebrate the holidays?”
*Stay tuned. More secrets from the dossier to be revealed later.
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by E.B. de Mas, reachable at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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