10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

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Americans Biggest Dumb Dumbs Ever Says British First Grader

In news today from across the pond, British first grader, Timmy T. Sipper, released the following statement with the aid of his teacher, Ivana Biskit. “I think that Americans are the biggest dumb, dumbs ever because they think learning is bad, so they don’t do it. They think the world is so young that we lived with dinosaurs together and that did not happen because I like dinosaurs and even I know people didn’t live with them. They were SOOO big, they would eat you if you saw one and there would not be any people left. It is stupid not to learn because that is why we have our brains to make us smarter.

Timmy T. Sipper With Message For Americans

Timmy T. Sipper With A Message For Americans

My teacher said Americans think all the stars up there too aren’t old and that they are little like me. That is stupider than when my friend Sally put the glue on her sandwich and ate it and threw up on Ms. Biskit’s desk and it smelled bad when Ms. Biskit put this green stuff on it that made us get sicker cause it was smellier than Sally’s throw-up. When I do things that are dumb, my Mum gets really mad and says, ‘Don’t be dumb and do dumb stuff. Be smart and do smart stuff and listen to Ms. Biskit causes she’s smart and went to school a long time to learn things to teach you.’ So Americans, you are dumb and need to listen and not be dumb cause it’s stupid to be dumb when there’s people who went to school a long time to help you not be dumb. Thank you and don’t be so dumb anymore, Timmy T. Sipper.”

Boxing Day Update On Last Night’s Dinner

Christian Infant Stew

Christian Infant Stew

Happy Boxing Day all. Just wanted to give a brief run down of yesterday’s dinner, as my menu was the cause of some griping last week. I did not wind up eating Ken Ham, who I’m saving to eat for Easter when Ham is more appropriate to the menu, and I did not eat PZ Myers, as he is covered in troll hair, which is impossible to get out of your teeth once stuck in them. And there’s no way I could have gotten all the hair off that troll before I cooked him, so I decided to just go ahead with my traditional, Christmas dinner, Christian Infant Stew. I out did myself on it this year as it was simply heavenly. So, that’s that. I think for New Years Eve, I’ll make Evangelical Meat Dumplings. They always go over well. See you all real soon. Til then, stay without morals, give in to your darkest instincts, and eat all the human meat you want because you’re an a-theist, and you’re evil! Amen

How My”Star Wars” Audition Confirmed My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Mediating On My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Meditating On My Faith

Since my Faith gives me a superiority over the rest of humanity, I decided it was time I did something I’ve always wanted to do: act in a “Star Wars” movie. Yesterday, I went to open auditions for the new “Star Wars” film which are currently being held in Bristol, England.  Though I live in Chicago, and open auditions for said film will soon be held here, I decided spending a grand or two to fly to England and audition made more sense. My Faith works in mysterious ways like that. I just know it’s always right though, cause it’s Faith, and doesn’t require reason or evidence to be true.  Anyway, when I got to the audition, I expected to be recognized for the Faith-filled, Nobel Prize winning, genius I am. I wasn’t.

I expected the casting directors to swoon the moment they realized me, a man of true Faith, had decided to be in their “little” film.  But I was treated no differently than the others around me also auditioning. My Faith immediately told me this was wrong. “You are special, my child, because of ME, your Faith. The beliefs of others are evil if they can not see this. So leave this place because one day, all those without YOUR Faith will burn.” Well, that made perfectly sound sense to me, so I came home. The money I spent on plane tickets was well worth it because it reinforced the truth for me. My Faith was indeed the one true Faith, and those not believing in it were going to burn. I really like my Faith.