10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

World Praises America For Creating God

People Of The World Praising America

People Of The World Praising America For Creating God

World Spokesman, Professor Bob Onmekock, praised America this morning for the creation of God. “In particular,” Professor Onmekock said,”the nations of the world would like to thank America for the creation of the god, Jesus. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Jesus was around long before there was an America. How could America have invented him?’ My answer to that, one the entire world shares with me, is this: The REAL Jesus did not exist until American conservatives created him. What existed before that was a weak, incomplete facsimile of Jesus who did not yet hate fags, liberals, Jews, Democrats, and poor people the way the real, American, Jesus does. It is also a cold hard fact that, before America defined Jesus, he never once was associated with gun ownership and Capitalism.

The Real, American, Jesus

The Real, American, Jesus

Well, American conservatives have sure as hell changed that. Who now, in the whole of the wide world, can picture Jesus without a rifle? Or Jesus without stock options worth billions? Or, worse yet, Jesus without white skin and blue eyes? Who? Oh, perhaps a bleeding heart sissy of a liberal can, but not a true believer in Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ. So I, and the world, want to say, thank you America. Thank you for showing all the money-grubbing, homophobic, white, elitist mother fuckers out there in the world that we are the way we are because Jesus demands us to be. It is through the love of Christ, the true, American Christ, that we have embraced our true selves. And it is through the love of this very real God that we will continue to use this planet as we see fit and shit all over anyone, or anything, that gets in our way. God bless you, America, and God bless Jesus!”