A Russian dossier containing incriminating information on Donald Trump has recently surfaced. It’s existence poses a very important question: “Has Russia been blackmailing Donald Trump to do its bidding?” Well, the readers of this blog will be glad to learn, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have been given access to this dossier. A few interesting tidbits of information from it are presented below. Enjoy.
1.) 12/13/2011. The Donald and Vladimir make love in President Putin’s Winnebago. The act is filmed by Russian porno director, and former KGB agent, Gustav Bigdickski. Bigdickski said of the experience: “It was like filming vanilla ice cream melt all over orange sherbet.” Vladimir is rumored to be keeping the video of this event under his mattress in Moscow.
2.) 03/06/2015. The Donald comes to Moscow and declares his undying love to President Putin. Ingrid Grabpussinstein, one of Vladimir’s chamber maids, heard Trump promise Putin this: “Vlady, if you help me win the 2016 Presidential election in my country, I promise you, you’ll not only have unlimited access to my mangina, you’ll have America at your beck and call to do whatever you wish with it.”
3.) 12/25/2016. The Donald visits several of his mistresses in a bathroom in Trump Tower in order to pee on them. One of these mistresses, Beverly Idoitfordacash, overheard a call Trump placed to Vladimir Putin. Here’s what she heard: “Listen, Vlady, I put Exxon Oil CEO, Rex Tillerson on my cabinet, just like I promised you I would. He’ll do whatever you want him to. Now, can I please come over to your house so we can do the ‘nasty’ to celebrate the holidays?”
*Stay tuned. More secrets from the dossier to be revealed later.