The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled
It is approximately 6 months since Mary Magdalene’s rescue from Herod’s singing Stripper Bar. We are in Pontius Pilate’s office in Jerusalem with Pilate, King Herod, and a single Roman centurion guard. Herod and Pilate are discussing the Pharisees who’ve come to ask Pilate to kill Jesus for them because he and his apostles have been forcing Jews to apologize to God for the sins of Adam and Eve and to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Those who refuse are beaten, water boarded, and starved until they comply. Many have died from this. Jesus has attacked the Pharisees hardest of all because of their continued, arrogant defiance of his demands. They want Pilate to rid them of Jesus for good. It is a very long time ago.
Pilate: Herod, who the fuck did you tell me these guys were again who want me to kill Jesus?
Herod: They are the Pharisees, my Liege, the leaders of the Jewish faith. They’re pissed because they’re pussies who can’t kill Jesus for themselves, so they figure they’ll get you to do it for them. Fuck ’em. They are limp-wristed pansy boys as useless as drops of rain in the magnificence of the great sea that is Rome. They aren’t worth your time. I, however, want Jesus’ ass hung on a cross cause the faggot stole one of my whores from me. NO ONE does that to Herod the Great without paying for it. I’m asking you to help me catch him because it benefits you to do it. You’ll be preventing that asshole from turning his campaign against Rome, which he surely will do next, and you’ll get a life long ally in me, Herod, King of Judea, ensuring you of no further insubordination from any Jew while I reign.
Pilate: I like the way you think, Herod. You’re OK in my book. Centurion!
Centurion: Yes, my Lord?
Pilate: Go out there and tell the Pharisees I’ve washed my hands of them and that they can go fuck themselves. What I do I do for Rome and for Rome’s cause. The requests of pansy-boy religious leaders mean nothing to Rome. Tell them if I see or hear of them again, even a peep, I’ll have them all crucified. Damn sissies.
Centurion: As you wish, my Lord.
The camera cuts to a medium shot of the Centurion talking to a large group of Pharisees who begin to protest loudly what they hear. This prompts the Centurion to point toward a nearby hill where 10 crucified individuals can be seen squirming on crosses in horrific pain waiting to die. The Pharisees then quickly and quietly leave as we cut to a Mexican Restaurant, somewhere in Judea, where Judas, Mary Magdalene, and Christ are awaiting their to go order.
Mary: I must say, JC, Mexican takeout was an OUTSTANDING idea for the first ever supper of all 12 of your Apostles. I can’t believe we did it. You said you wanted twelve Apostles and 12 we have. All trained, combat proven, and ready to kick repentance out of everyone we find in need of it. You get sexier and hotter to me every day, sir. You are without any doubt, my savior and Lord.
Jesus: Thanks, babe. You were a big help to me in doing this. You’re the woman behind the Savior, if you will. And you’re pretty OK in the “hots” department yourself, I might add.
Just then, without warning, Judas knocks both Jesus and Mary to the ground as a spray of gun fire flies harmlessly over them.
Judas: Man, that was close. And that was most definitely not the Pharisees shooting at you. It’s Herod again, Jesus. I’m telling you, let me go stealth on his fucking ass and kill him while he sleeps. It’s dangerous keeping a dude who hates you that much alive.
Jesus: I know, and in time, Herod will die, but for now, I need him alive. I’ve a plan for him and he is, so far, following it perfectly. Come on, let’s get the food back to the HQ. I’ll bet everyone is starved.
Judas: OK, pal. If you say so. You are the son of God, after all.
Cut to the inside of Jesus’ and the Apostles’ HQ. All 12 Apostles, Mary Magdalene, and Jesus are seated around a large round table with various Mexican food dishes open on it looking rather picked over. Jesus has a shot of Vodka in his hand and is about to make a toast.
Jesus: I’d like to share this toast with Mary, and my Apostles upon the occasion of our first ever supper together as a team. You are a team of hand-picked specialists who will help to bring repentance from mankind for the sins of Adam and Eve, thus prompting my father to FINALLY forgive them for it. Not only that my friends, you are also the defenders of the wronged, the jurors for the guilty, and the executioners of the condemned. We are Jesus and The 12 Apostles, and let every evil doer and non-repentant sinner know, screw with us, and you are truly fucked!
Jesus downs his shot and everyone else soon follows suit. The screen fades to red and then to black. End scene 4.
Stay tuned, as we approach the exiting conclusion of our story.
You’ve got some great opportunities for product placement here! Don’t miss out on those.
I’m thinking of selling “Don’t Fuck With Jesus T-shirts” and “Herod For President” shirts.
Make Absolut give you money to be sure that’s the kind of vodka Jesus is drinking. Maybe Manolo Blahnik will give you money to have Miley wearing their shoes during her big stripping scene. Etc.
We are going to get some good shots of her on stage – right?
Tie-ins are good, too.
But of course. We’re going to get some shots of Miley alright. Up close and sexy. Perhaps Victoria’s Secret thong underwear on her hot little body would work. Nice close up there. She and JC are going to do the nasty soon too.
Victoria’s Secret! Harrumpf. We can to better than that. (Have you noticed it’s suddenly “we?” I want freebies.)
Um… you didn’t think that I was joking when I said that I had a fishnet bodystocking. I got rid of the thigh high boots. Apparently, I didn’t tell you about my lingerie fetish.
Amusingly, I actually own one of the… the.. outfits? pictured on that page.
Ruff! Ruff! I like those outfits! Oh, dear me! I am amused! You’re my kinda woman.
What came of the wives of these fishermen when they changed profession?
Who said they were fisherman, and who said they were married? 😀 Peter was a store clerk, and Judas was a hair stylist. This ain’t the Bible story.
My bad, I apologise. They were who you say they were 😛
Apostle John, however, did work at a pet shop that sold tropical fish. SOOOO, he was involved with the fish trade in that sense. I find it fascinating just how indoctrinated we are in the stories of Jesus from the Bible that no matter how wildly different and anachronistic a story I write about them, they’re still etched in stone in our minds as they are presented in the Bible. Religion that is taught to us at a very young age as something we can’t question leaves a strong imprint that we can never fully shake off. Very powerful for something as unreal as religion.
I think I once heard that they were “fisher’s of men,” which I guess means that they were gigolos. I think you should make one of the apostles an hustler. Just my opinion, but it would definitely add a little more spice to an already spicy story.
Sorry about the misplaced apostrophe. The internet is cruel sometimes.
Indeed it is. Like when it disconnects while I’m watching a hot porn scene. I hate that!
I may make one a gay stripper. That’s be fun, a gay stripper who kicks ass for gay rights! I’m thinking I’m just going to continue this story indefinitely with multiple sequels following the end of this bit. I want to do individual apostle stories too. “Mark. Apostle. Singing Short Order Cook. Communist.” I do believe I’m gonna do that.
Oh, the Biblical Apostles were all married and were all fishermen, I believe. Which really makes them dicks to have abandoned their wives to follow Jesus. Their wives and kids would have starved to death.
I really like where this is going… fuck… so few words in each post…. I want to see this movie made
Me too. Obviously would be longer if it were. But this is a fun outline to do.
Gosh, isn’t there anything Morgan Freeman can’t do? He was so convincing here!
If he could fix my internet issues from afar, I’d say he was god himself.
Yes. The timber in his voice was mesmerizing.