Stephen Miller To Publish Cookbook

Stephen Miller: Cookbook Author

Cannibal City, Iowa.   Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant.   “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier.  “This is simply not true.  I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly.  See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them.   In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them.   In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.

Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building?   Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers.   Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city?  Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps.   Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’

My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas.  You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94.  I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one.    Happy eatin’ America.  I’ll see you in the kitchen.” 

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Higgs Boson Is A Cannibal, Says CERN Spokesman

I told You So, Says Peter Higgs

I told You So, Says Peter Higgs

Great news today for all the morally depraved a-theists and non-Christians out there who enjoy eating human flesh, especially on Christian holidays.  A spokesman for CERN, Dr. Pert Ecal Axcelurater, announced that the Higgs boson is, as was believed, a cannibal. “The reason the little bastards come and then go so quickly is they are ferocious cannibals, continually on the hunt for each other. The minute one pops up, it’s eaten by another which is then eaten by another, etc, etc, etc. None get to stick around and take a breath, even. The good thing about this for a-theists and those who do not believe in Jesus, is it confirms there are no morals at any level of existence. I personally got a stiffy when I found this out because I’m an a-theist and I’ve no idea what the word “morality” even means. I tell you, I’ve done some shit that’s made even the staunchest Jesus deniers cringe. My lawyer advised my NOT to say anymore than that, but believe me, I’m very happy about this news. CERN is on the job folks. We predict that by the year 2030, the world will be a disorganized, murderous hive of scum and villainy. Rape, cannibalism, murder, and torture will be everyday norms, and all because a sense of right and wrong vanishes as faith in Jesus does. Awesome. Don’t know ’bout you all, but I’m having fried Evangelical Christian baby steak for dinner tonight. And, just for the fun of it, I’m going to toss a few kittens and puppies into the particle accelerator and run it full blast. I’m curious to see what happens.”

Bryan Fischer: I’ll Bet He’s Really Tasty!

As a sadistically cruel, morally perverse, a-theistic cannibal, I’m always on the lookout for fresh Christian meat to serve at my dinner table.

 Bryan Fischer: Does He Taste As Good As He Looks?

Bryan Fischer: Does He Taste As Good As He Looks?

Intellectual giant, Christian, and all around stand up guy, Bryan Fischer has caught my eye in this regard recently. At first glance, I thought him to be the very essence of a gay, upper middle class, older, white man with sexy silver hair and a girlishly handsome, come-hither big fella, grin. I almost thought of becoming gay and asking him to marry me so we could adopt little Eastern European babies whom we could love and cherish as our own, so enamored was I by his flamboyantly prissy appearance.  How saddened I was to learn, however, that like so many other girlishly attractive, silver-haired, upper middle class, Christian Conservative white guys, Mr. Fischer is, in reality, a homophobic grouchy old fart and not to be confused with anyone or anything baring the label, “Intelligent.”

But I wish to be civil here, and state my case in a friendly manner as to why I will one day eat Mr. Fischer for dinner. You see, dear reader, I am what I am because I’ve taken to heart the things Christians have said about me over the years. I did not know, for example, that I had no morals or control over my darkest impulses when I first realized I was a non-theist until Christians told me this. To me, all non-theist meant was, “I don’t see evidence for gods of any kind existing.” It was Christians, out of their love for me, who explained to me that to not believe in their specific god was akin to being a cannibal without any sense of remorse for those I chose as my meals.  And so, to make things easier for all involved, I’ve adopted the Christian definition of an a-theist as the core center of who I am as a being. I’m a cannibalistic, sadistic, hate-filled, Jesus despising bastard who lacks all sense of right and wrong and acts on every sick urge his mind conceives of every chance he gets.

I mean no ill will in being who I am, nor do I hate anyone or anything. I simply am what I am because I do not believe in the Christian god. And so, since cannibals eat people by definition, and I am a cannibal, I will one day eat Bryan Fischer for dinner. Not because I hate him; not because I want to pick on him, but because he looks tasty and nourishing, and by Odin, what could possibly be considered rude or unfriendly about that? A Conservative, gay hating, Christian, like Mr. Fischer, can’t help but be who he is. It is in his nature to spew hatred. As it is in my nature, so clearly defined for me by Christians, to be the moral-less cannibal I am. Now, all I have to do is decide what holiday I’m going to have Bryan Fischer stew on, and all that’ll be left is to catch, cook, and eat Mr. Fischer. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Bryan Fischer Stew

Bryan Fischer Stew

Boxing Day Update On Last Night’s Dinner

Christian Infant Stew

Christian Infant Stew

Happy Boxing Day all. Just wanted to give a brief run down of yesterday’s dinner, as my menu was the cause of some griping last week. I did not wind up eating Ken Ham, who I’m saving to eat for Easter when Ham is more appropriate to the menu, and I did not eat PZ Myers, as he is covered in troll hair, which is impossible to get out of your teeth once stuck in them. And there’s no way I could have gotten all the hair off that troll before I cooked him, so I decided to just go ahead with my traditional, Christmas dinner, Christian Infant Stew. I out did myself on it this year as it was simply heavenly. So, that’s that. I think for New Years Eve, I’ll make Evangelical Meat Dumplings. They always go over well. See you all real soon. Til then, stay without morals, give in to your darkest instincts, and eat all the human meat you want because you’re an a-theist, and you’re evil! Amen

This Christmas I’m Having Ham For Dinner, Ken Ham

Now for a quote from Ken Ham from his recent a-theist-bashing appearance on Fox News: “Our message to the atheists is, hey, we’re not attacking you personally but we want you to know the truth, that there is a God who created you and you are sinners as all of us are, but that God sent his son to become a babe in a manger…” .  Nice to know that God sent his son, who’s actually not his son but God himself, to “become a babe in a manger” to save us heathen sinners.  I’d rather a babe be in thigh-high leather boots and a fish net body suit if truly coming to save me from my hideous self, but I guess sinners can’t be choosers, eh? The concept of a tiny infant being born so that it can be horrifically tortured and die nailed to a cross when it grows up so my sins can be forgiven, sickens me to my very core.  Such thinking is sadistic, narcissistic, cruel, and exhibits a psychopathology so depraved the “DSM” hasn’t yet a label accurate enough to describe it. If THAT is what “faith” tells people they must believe is true in order to be considered “good” then I’m ecstatically happy I’m the moral-lacking a-theist monster I am.

Ken Ham Before

Ken Ham Before

Ken Ham After

Ken Ham After

Since I’m a monster, I’ve decided that for my Christmas dinner I will capture and cook alive, slowly, Ken Ham himself. I’ve a lovely place in a secluded wood all picked out with a human size iron pot of oil just waiting for me to plop Mr. Ham into and bring slowly to a boil. There’s no need for me to gag him either because we’ll be SO secluded, no one will be able to hear even his loudest yelps of pain. Man, this is gonna be a great Christmas. I’m glad Mr. Ham took the time to remind me of how evil and nasty I am just because I don’t believe in his god. He took away any last twinge of morality in me that might’ve said, “It’s wrong to boil people alive in oil and eat them, so don’t.” Oh well, he has no one to blame but himself for becoming my Christmas dinner! Hee Haw! How’s that for imposing my a-theism on you, eh, Mr. Ham?