Cannibal City, Iowa. Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant. “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier. “This is simply not true. I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly. See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them. In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them. In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.
Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers. Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps. Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’
My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas. You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94. I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one. Happy eatin’ America. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”