Stephen Miller: Cookbook Author
Cannibal City, Iowa. Donald Trump’s senior policy advisor, Stephen Miller, announced today he will soon be publishing a cookbook entitled, The Only Good Immigrant Is A Cooked Immigrant. “Many people have falsely assumed I’m not very fond of immigrants,” Miller said earlier. “This is simply not true. I LOVE immigrants, if they’re cooked correctly. See, ever since I was a small boy, skinning cats alive in my parent’s basement, I’ve dreamed of welcoming people from foreign lands into my home and cooking them. In this context, immigrants are only an issue when too many arrive at once and there are not enough kitchens and/or cooks to accommodate them. In order to correct this problem, I’ve decided to publish an immigrant cookbook to encourage more Americans to do as I do: cook and eat immigrants.
Got a problem with too many Polish immigrants moving into your building? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to make REAL Polish sausage by killing, pulverizing, and cooking a few of them to thin out their numbers. Too many Italian immigrants moving into your city? Then buy my cookbook and learn how to turn them into meat lasagna in just 4 easy steps. Like my pappy always used to say to me, ‘Stephen, there ain’t no immigrant you’ll dislike if you cook ’em right.’
My book will be out in early November, just in time for Christmas. You can pre-order one right now on my website, stephenmillerisntcrazy.com, for just $68.94. I’ll toss in a free “Sociopaths Are Fake News” t-shirt with the first 1000 orders, so act fast if you want one. Happy eatin’ America. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”
I told You So, Says Peter Higgs
Great news today for all the morally depraved a-theists and non-Christians out there who enjoy eating human flesh, especially on Christian holidays. A spokesman for CERN, Dr. Pert Ecal Axcelurater, announced that the Higgs boson is, as was believed, a cannibal. “The reason the little bastards come and then go so quickly is they are ferocious cannibals, continually on the hunt for each other. The minute one pops up, it’s eaten by another which is then eaten by another, etc, etc, etc. None get to stick around and take a breath, even. The good thing about this for a-theists and those who do not believe in Jesus, is it confirms there are no morals at any level of existence. I personally got a stiffy when I found this out because I’m an a-theist and I’ve no idea what the word “morality” even means. I tell you, I’ve done some shit that’s made even the staunchest Jesus deniers cringe. My lawyer advised my NOT to say anymore than that, but believe me, I’m very happy about this news. CERN is on the job folks. We predict that by the year 2030, the world will be a disorganized, murderous hive of scum and villainy. Rape, cannibalism, murder, and torture will be everyday norms, and all because a sense of right and wrong vanishes as faith in Jesus does. Awesome. Don’t know ’bout you all, but I’m having fried Evangelical Christian baby steak for dinner tonight. And, just for the fun of it, I’m going to toss a few kittens and puppies into the particle accelerator and run it full blast. I’m curious to see what happens.”
Now for a quote from Ken Ham from his recent atheist-bashing appearance on Fox News: “Our message to the atheists is, hey, we’re not attacking you personally but we want you to know the truth, that there is a God who created you and you are sinners as all of us are, but that God sent his son to become a babe in a manger…” Nice to know that God sent his son, who’s actually not his son but God himself, to become “a babe in a manger” to save us heathen sinners. I’d rather a babe be in thigh-high leather boots and a fish net body suit if truly coming to save me from my hideous self, but I guess sinners can’t be choosers, eh? The concept of a tiny infant being born so that it can be horrifically tortured and die nailed to a cross when it grows up so my sins can be forgiven, sickens me to my very core. Such thinking is sadistic, narcissistic, cruel, and exhibits a psychopathology so depraved the “DSM” hasn’t yet a label accurate enough to describe it. If THAT is what “faith” tells people they must believe is true in order to be considered “good” then I’m ecstatically happy I’m the moral-lacking atheist monster I am.
Ken Ham Before
Ken Ham After
Since I’m a monster, and a cannibal without morals, due to my disbelief in Jesus and all, I’ve decided that, for my Christmas dinner, I will eat Ken Ham himself. Man, this is gonna be a great Christmas. I’m glad Mr. Ham took the time to remind me of how evil and nasty I am just because I don’t believe in his god. He took away any last twinge of morality in me that might’ve said, “It’s wrong to cannibalize people, so don’t.” Oh well, he has no one to blame but himself for becoming my Christmas dinner! Hee Haw!
Wait! Perhaps this piece was just a stretched out, sarcastic joke, and I’m not immoral or a cannibalistic monster? Naw. Can’t be. I don’t believe in Jesus. No such person could have decent morals, could they?