Cocksville, New Hampshire. In stunning and seemingly impossible news, the state of Maine has vanished. “I went out to walk my dog, Piddles, this morning,” said Tammy Jugstein, a long time resident of New Hampshire living near the Maine/New Hampshire border, “and there was a huge, empty hole where Maine used to be. I mean the whole bloody state was just…gone! Piddles just stood there barking at the empty space, and I, well, I about piddled my jeans as I stood there in awe. I could see something like this happening to say, Texas, an evil state filled with Conservative jackass Republicans, but Maine? Who’d Maine ever piss off? Not me, that’s for sure. I hope someone finds out where it went and returns it soon. I wouldn’t want the space it occupied to fill up with the Atlantic ocean and not be available when it is found. Where the hell would it go then? There’s a saying round these parts that goes: ‘Sometimes crazy shit just happens.’ I guess this is what it means. Cause this here is as CRAZY as shit can get!”
We here at The Arm Chair Pontificator will do everything in our power to keep you updated on news of this amazing occurrence as it becomes available to us. We’d also like to express our deepest condolences to those readers with friends and family who were in Maine when it vanished. Losing those close to you must be especially hard with the Holidays just around the corner. They, and you, are in our thoughts.