That Was Yummy!
A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states. Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit. Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock, gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me. The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.
TACP: Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.
Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock
Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in the eradication of parasitic conservative vermin via consumption as soon as their presence becomes known to us. We live in the realm between realms ( I had to write that) where all sentient beings work to ensure all sentient beings are treated as equal sentient beings. We have a kick ass health care system, and we allow all beings to believe in whatever fantastic invisible deities they wish as long as they never once try to impose said deities onto anyone else not wishing to hear about them.
TACP: Does that really work? I mean, here in America, we actually have the words “SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE” written into our Constitution, but in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.
Gobble Yercock: Oh, it works because the only crime one can be sentenced to death for where I come from is the crime of forcing one’s faith onto another. Do that, and you die. Period. The act of forcing a mythological deity onto others produces a foul smell which transgresses the barriers of space and time. We’re rather sensitive to that smell. That’s why we ate Texas and Florida this morning. The Right Wing Christian Conservative stench drifting from those two states was so vile it drifted into the realm between realms and was making us sick. We took care of that I’d say, eh? And we’re coming back for a few more U.S. states in a few weeks. Then it’ll be on to the Middle East for us. But first, we have to digest all the Conservative bullshit we swallowed this morning.
TACP: Sounds great. Well, have a great Thanksgiving, Mr. Gobble Yercock, and thanks for doing what you do.
Gobble Yercock: No problem. See you soon. Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
I notice this is a rehash post. Typical god behaviour: Same old, same old.
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Not rehash. I didn’t recook it. But, I DID repost it as only 2 people ever read it. Now, you shalt burn in eternal hell because….because….I said so! Also, I’m an all-loving God who’s nice. OK?
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I noticed the dates on the comments. Seems you were a star then as much as now! ⭐
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Worshiped like a god, I was. If not for my humble nature and centered sense of self, it may have gone right to my head.
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Reblogged this on The Arm Chair Pontificator and commented:
Here’s a Thanksgiving day classic from yesteryear. I won a Pulitzer for this.
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When the turkeys get to the Middle East, They’re gonna look around and say, “We’re gonna need a bigger throat.” Trust me on this one.
There are Texans who mock much of Texas just as much. Molly Ivins and Lance Marcom come immediately to mind…
Great Stuff. Glad I discovered your site (Over at “Jesus was a primate”)
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I’ve got Middle East, or more accurately Islam posts here too. I spare no one. Just cause I like it! Jesus was a primate is a good blog too. Lots of decent, intelligent folks out there. And I know not everyone in Texas is insane and nasty. It’s just such a HUGE target, I can’t help myself. (Gotta get those laughs!)
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I agree with you completely. Texas has always been a target and in fact we love the attention. There is no bad press in my opinion.
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Well, coming from a state that’s seen its last two governors imprisoned, and living in a city that’s about as crooked as one can get this side of Rio, I’m not so sure that’s entirely true. 😀
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Praise god for letting me stumble upon your blog! This is satire at its finest. There really should be a Nobel Prize for Satire.
I’d say ‘God bless those turkeys’, but I’m afraid they’ll sentence me to death if I phrase it like that…
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Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. Please spread the word among friends and those in need of salvation from the stupidity of religion. It is literally THE perfect set-up man for comedy, once you deny it the ass-kissing deference it wants.
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I know…you’ve really nailed it, though!
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I’ve A LOT more nailing to do too!
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The grand revenge of the dinosaurs.
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Indeed.
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