Los Angeles, California. George and Amal Clooney’s recently born twins were arrested earlier today after a local paparazzi, Jimmy Inurface, claimed they struck him repeatedly on the shins when he tried to photograph them. “It was a horrifying experience,” Mr. Inurface said earlier. “I saw the twins exiting a Honda Civic on Hollywood Boulevard late last night, so I calmly approached them to ask if I could take their picture. In unison, they told me to go f**k myself then plummeted my shins with their tiny hands. This continued until I took out my phone and dialed 911. At that point, the twins returned to their vehicle and sped off after giving me the raspberries.
Though they’re only infants, the battering they gave my shins has caused me great physical and emotional pain. Besides pressing criminal assault charges, I’m going to sue those brats for all they, and their hot-shot parents, are worth. I mean, what kinda dead beat parents let their newborn twins drive around all night in a Honda Civic anyway? They deserve to be sued for that alone.”