Ask An Infant

Dear Infant, my name is Naked Johnny, and I’ve got a perplexing problem.  I sincerely hope you can help me with it.  I live in an area where there are blacks, Hispanics, gays, strong women, and socialists.  I want to kill them all with my big, Christian guns because that is, as you MUST know, exactly what Jesus wants. Should I do this, or will I face legal issues I won’t be able to defend?
Thanks, Naked Johnny

 

Well, thanks for the question, Naked Johnny. Before I can answer it, however, I must tell you about the feeding problem I just had. I was feeding happily on my mother’s left breast when she abruptly pulled me away and cried, “Enough! My nipple is sore. You’ll have to wait awhile before you can suckle again!” Well, I, being an infant, began to wail like a, you guessed it, a baby, and grabbed repeatedly for her other breast. She eventually caved in and fed me the nectar from her other breast. Thank Jeebus crying worked. Now, for your issue.  Piss off, ya’ big baby!  You’re nothing more than a whining redneck.  Stop being such a hyper sensitive snowflake and learn to play nice with others.  OK?
Hope this helps. Love always, An Infant.

 

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Nuclear Missiles Don’t Kill People, People Kill People

This Baby Will Look Great Next To My TV And Put 4 Metaphorical Inches On My Dick

This Baby Would Look Great Next To The TV In My Apartment

Bloodbath City, Oklahoma.    Hello Pontificator readers.  Today I want to talk to you about a very serious issue: My desire to own a nuclear missile.  You may be asking yourselves why I would want to own such a thing, and would it be legal for me to do so.  Let me start off by saying, yes, it is completely legal for me to own a nuclear missile.  The Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gives me the right to keep and bear arms.  It does not specify which arms I can keep.  It simply guarantees my right to bear and keep them.  My right to own a nuclear missile is not negated by the fact that, back in the day, no one had a friggin’ clue what nuclear weapons were or how dangerous they would be.  To tell me, a mostly responsible adult, that I can’t have one is against the American Constitution and all it stands for.  Secondly, nuclear missiles DO NOT kill people.  People kill people.  Have you ever heard of a nuclear missile arming itself and launching itself at a city all on its own?  Of course not.  That’s just plain nuts.  PEOPLE launch nukes.  They don’t launch themselves.  Period.  And, I, should I obtain one, promise not to launch it.  Actually, I don’t even know how to launch such a device so the threat of me doing so is non-existent.

People Kill People With Nuclear Energy, Not Nuclear Missiles

I Promise This Won’t Ever Happen With The Nuclear Missile I Wish To Own

Finally, as to why I want to own a nuclear missile, I have only this to say.  My penis is rather average in size, and though owning a gun, which would be far easier to obtain, by the way, might make me feel like it’s a tad bigger than it really is, a gun fails in comparison to how huge my penis will feel if I owned a nuclear missile.  As well, I think a nuke would look lovely next to the TV in my apartment.  So, there you have my inarguable reasons for wanting to own a nuclear missile.  To deny me in this endeavor is to decree yourself an enemy of America and her Constitution.  Also, you’d be denying me the illusion of feeling like I have a huge penis, and who would want to do that?

Thank you for reading, and please, be careful out there.  The world is just crawling with crazy people looking for quick and easy ways to kill you.

Gay Teddy Bear In Leather Bondage Hoodie Terrorizes Armed White Guy

Terrifying Gay Teddy Bear In Leather Bondage Hoodie.

Terrifying Gay Teddy Bear In Leather Bondage Hoodie.

An armed white dude from Naples, Florida today said a gay Teddy Bear dressed in a Leather Bondage Hoodie approached him and asked him to engage in rough man-on-Teddy Bear action, or else. When the white guy asked, “Or else what?”
The gay, leather-hoodied Teddy replied, “Or else I’ll take from you by force that which you won’t freely give.”

Fearing for the sanctity of his anus, the armed white guy removed his firearm and fired at the wanna be rapist Teddy. The gay Bear was not hurt and managed to escape into the nearby surrounding woods before police arrived.
Violent anal rape by leather-hoodied, gay, Teddy Bears is up 27% from this same time last year, Naples police reported. “So be careful, and carry a loaded gun on you at all times. You may just need to stand your ground and protect your anus from rape by a gay Teddy Bear like I did,” concluded the armed white dude.