Tongue Up Trump’s Ass City, New York. Tucker Carlson of Fox News fame today stated that the reason his face is always in an expression of severe pain is because he’s had a butt plug in the shape of Donald Trump’s mushroom penis permanently shewn into his anal cavity.
Baghdad, Iraq. Creationist and founder of Kentucky’s Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has been cast to play James Bond in the new 007 film, Continuum of Ignorance. The film will be produced by and directed by me, The Arm Chair Pontificator. The plot involves Bond’s attempts to permanently thrust the world, particularly America, back into the bronze age by thwarting the attempts of the villainous Engelbert Enlightened, played by Nobel Prize winning Physicist Peter Higgs, to safely keep it in the 21st century, scientifically speaking.
007 will be aided in his heroic attempts to permanently eliminate scientific thought and reasoning by Fox News babe, Megyn Kelly. Kelly is playing sexy new Bond girl, Carrie Mysack, a former Liberal who was so deeply disgruntled by the wimpy Democratic voter turn out in the last election she became a Creationist.
The film goes into production as soon as I can convince Ken Ham the cameras we’re using to film it are not devices created by Satan to capture his soul. I’ve my work cut out for me, but, like Martin Scorsese never once said to me: “Boy, if yer not tryin’ to convince a Creationist 35mm cameras aren’t really the soul-capturing tools of Satan, then you just don’t belong in the film business.” ‘Nuff said!
Fox News announced this morning that Saint Paul, creator of Christianity, and Mohammad, creator of Islam, will fight to the death this Sunday at 8PM on the patio of Todd’s Crawdad Emporium in South Bend, Indiana.”We’ll be broadcasting the event live,” said Fox News Sports anchor, Gary Dobsinskiebergstein.
“Of course, we here at Fox are hoping St. Paul kills Mohammad and very, very slowly, too, because he’s Islamic. We here at Fox News are Christians, and we bask in the light of Jesus’ love for us and those exactly like us. Thus, we hate Islamic people because they deny the divinity of Jesus, the guy Paul said was God, a really long time ago, and people just took his word for it. I personally hope Paul flays the bastard, slowly, keeping the skin intact in one piece. That way, Paul can mock Mohammad even further by wearing his flesh as he disembowels him, fries his intestines in a pan, and shoves them into his mouth while shouting, ‘Doesn’t pig taste delicious, you fucking Muslim dog!’
After Mohammad has finished eating, Paul can reach into his chest, tear out his beating heart, toss it onto the floor, and stomp it into a bloody pancake before flushing it down the toilet. Finally, after Mohammad’s body is quartered and given to atheists to eat, Saint Paul can say mass. We all can share in the glory of Christ’s love for us by consuming his flesh and drinking his blood. That’s what we here at Fox News hope happens. But if, for some God awful reason, Mohammad gets the upper hand on Paul and kills him, the Fox News team will tear him into bloody pieces with our bare hands. We’ve done it before, and if need be, we’ll do it again. So be sure and watch Sunday. You’ll regret it if you don’t, especially if you love Jesus like we do.”
Big Foot released a statement today that he has shot and killed,”2 redneck som’bitchin’ hillbillies”, whom he claims have been trying to kill him for years.
“I finally got those som’bitches,” Mr. Foot told Fox News earlier today. “I saved up my pennies and dimes and bought me a double barrel shot-gun. I sawed off the first 8” of the barrels, and waited for those hillbilly bastards to leave their tent to hunt me. Then I blew their fuckin’ faces off. Dumb hillbilly bastards. I’m going to tour with the bodies in a few months once I kill me a few more people to put on display along with ’em. I’m thinking, maybe, some terrorists or somethin’. Those’ll look mighty nice next to these 2 dumb bastards’ corpses, I reckon.
I got me a pal in Omaha who’s a kick-ass taxidermist. I’ll have him stuff my kills in action poses for the tour, you know, ta make my narration of events seem cooler ‘n shit. Anyways, keep yer eyes open for the tour. I think I’ll call it, ‘Big Foot’s Tour With The Bodies Of The Dumb-Ass Hillbillies Who Tried To Kill Him, Minus Their Faces ‘Cause They’s Been Blowed Off.’ Wadda ya all think?” Stay tuned to Fox for more on this story as it breaks.
Cryptozoologist, Dr. Benny A. Fairyman, of the Chicago Park District’s Cryptid Awareness Committee, appeared this morning on Fox News claiming Cryptids are treated worse than any minority group in world history and no one even cares. “Oh, the HUMANITY!” Dr. Fairyman said to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly.
“When I think, Megyn, of all the poor Big Foot children who had to hide behind trees in parks this Christmas for fear of being seen and told they weren’t real by the human children out playing with the new skates and sleighs Santa just brought them, it makes me just want to pee myself with rage! And imagine what it’s like to be a mermaid at this time of year, will you? Sitting on rocks, out in the middle of the water, boobies all hanging out and frost-bitten, and your only solace is the dolphin that swims by every hour or two trying to mate with you. The thought of it just DRIVES ME INSANE!!! And it isn’t like you can just hop on board an inbound ship claiming your canoe got flipped over either. You’re a damn mermaid! Half your god damn body is a fish tail! You’ll stand out! Get mocked! Killed and eaten maybe, even! No, if you’re a mermaid in winter, your life is a freezing cold hell of frost-bitten tits, dolphin dick and envying the humans you see because they have bras and central heating to warm them all winter.
It’s another holocaust, Megyn! All that’s missing is the German language and the swastika arm bands. It’s time this horrific treatment of Cryptids ends. I’m advocating that Cryptids be granted total U.S. citizenship starting today, New Years Day, 2014. This means Cryptids can vote in all elections, run for political office, sign up for the military, and serve as jurors in our court system. The only way to bring light to how poorly these rarely seen, horribly photographed creatures are being treated, in my opinion, is this way. I’m off to Washington right now to strip naked and stand a top the Lincoln Memorial until President Obama gives in to my request to stop this sickening bigotry NOW! So wish me luck Megyn, thousands of Cryptids are depending on me.”
Now for a quote from Ken Ham from his recent atheist-bashing appearance on Fox News: “Our message to the atheists is, hey, we’re not attacking you personally but we want you to know the truth, that there is a God who created you and you are sinners as all of us are, but that God sent his son to become a babe in a manger…” Nice to know that God sent his son, who’s actually not his son but God himself, to become “a babe in a manger” to save us heathen sinners. I’d rather a babe be in thigh-high leather boots and a fish net body suit if truly coming to save me from my hideous self, but I guess sinners can’t be choosers, eh? The concept of a tiny infant being born so that it can be horrifically tortured and die nailed to a cross when it grows up so my sins can be forgiven, sickens me to my very core. Such thinking is sadistic, narcissistic, cruel, and exhibits a psychopathology so depraved the “DSM” hasn’t yet a label accurate enough to describe it. If THAT is what “faith” tells people they must believe is true in order to be considered “good” then I’m ecstatically happy I’m the moral-lacking atheist monster I am.
Since I’m a monster, and a cannibal without morals, due to my disbelief in Jesus and all, I’ve decided that, for my Christmas dinner, I will eat Ken Ham himself. Man, this is gonna be a great Christmas. I’m glad Mr. Ham took the time to remind me of how evil and nasty I am just because I don’t believe in his god. He took away any last twinge of morality in me that might’ve said, “It’s wrong to cannibalize people, so don’t.” Oh well, he has no one to blame but himself for becoming my Christmas dinner! Hee Haw!
Wait! Perhaps this piece was just a stretched out, sarcastic joke, and I’m not immoral or a cannibalistic monster? Naw. Can’t be. I don’t believe in Jesus. No such person could have decent morals, could they?