1.) Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.
2.) Hey, Judas! You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now. You pr*ck.
3.) I ordered this steak RARE!!! For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it. Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.
4.) Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant. It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird. Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!
5.) Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me. I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity. A**hole.
6.) Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.
7.) So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks. That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars. I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.
8.) Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck. He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross. Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen. Blow me.
9.) Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.
10.) Peter, I gotta go, dude. If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people: “Party hardy, folks! You only live once.” But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?
The Arm Chair Pontificator 
Especially love number 9! 😀
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That Jesus is a funny guy.
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Hey there my friend, welcome to Special Agent status 🙂 https://precinct1313.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/precinct1313s-special-agent-awards/
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Thanks again. I’m honored.
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Well, $Amen$ is taken…damn.
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Now if those were the things Jesus may have actually said, I’d at least have an ounce of respect for the guy 🙂
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Very true.
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And…
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Nice.
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He should have left a message for Paul too.
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Don’t think they ever met. 🙂
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There is no evidence that they did
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Just a text now and then I’ve heard. But JC thought Paul was a pizza delivery guy so who knows what happened there.
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Based on Paul’s “theology” later, the Pizza had ham and pineapple on it so you can imagine what happened then…
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Man, that sounds delicious.
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He never met Paul and his prescience is greatly overrated.
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That’s what she said.
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TEN ~ 10 ~ $ ~ 10 ~ TEN ok, so it’s not really ten dollars, I got it done up at the Fed on the way here… I figgered if it works for the banksters it could work for me.
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$Amen$
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Pingback: Things Jesus Shoulda Said — The Arm Chair Pontificator | cornfedcontessa
Ha ha!
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🙂
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Now those quotes would’ve given my first communion catechism a whole different flavour – I bet no one would have fallen asleep!
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Me too.
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While that comment is awaiting moderation (I don’t know why, I never write moderate comments) there’s a typo in it, and no it wasn’t deliberate as an excuse to write another comment. It’s “I bet no one would…” (not, “I bet on one would…”) I know, minor thing but since we’re dealing here with the Word of God, I’d like to be as accurate as possible. OK, on to moderation – and I’m in the queue, I’ve got number.
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It’s been fixed. Moderation annoys the alt-right and the Christian right. Thus, it gives me a woody, so it stays. My blog, my rules.
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Hey, I totally agree with your rule – I was trying to be funny, but one should never try to out-funny the funny guy!
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Hee Haw and $Amen$ 🙂
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-Come on all…don’t enslave people!
-I’m not rubbing your feet with oil. There’s got to be perks to being almighty god.
-You know that whole snake and apple thing? I’m not going to hold it against you any more.
-Look, stop expecting me to heal people and shit. Do I look like universal healthcare to you?
-Later you’re going to have an acid trip of a book in the bible. It’s going to be called the book of revelation. Just ignore that crazy garbage.
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$Amen$
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