Exclusive! TACP Interviews Jesus

Jesus stopped by TACP offices today to pay me the ten bucks he owed me on a bet over last night’s basketball game.  As usual, he was short and expected me to just let it slide. “No way, JC,” I told him. “You pull this every time you lose a bet to me. So you’re at least giving me an exclusive interview this time to make up for it.” JC agreed to this, and my interview with him follows.

TACP: So, Jesus, Isis tells me you’ve been looking into a good home to retire to once humanity’s faith in you is gone completely. Is that true?

Retired Goddess Isis And Her Hot Legs

Retired Goddess, Isis And Her Hot Legs

JC: Isis? Wow. You talked to Isis? I haven’t seen her since… Man, I can’t even remember. Does she still have…

TACP: ….Legs that are so seductively sexy you’d swear some god designed ’em just to drive men crazy? She most definitely still does my divine pal. She most definitively still does.

JC: Hot, man! Very hot! You are one lucky man, my know-it-all smart-ass friend, very lucky indeed to have talked to her.

TACP: Well, what can I say? Divine beings like me because I’m funny. But now back to you.  Are you really planning to retire and looking for a place to live in once you do?

JC: I am indeed. As is TOTALLY the norm with you humans, you tend to replace your gods like toilet paper once your through using us to justify whatever base, vile nonsense you created us for in the first place. And as homophobia and antisemitism have about run their course with you all, the need for my existence is quickly coming to an end.

TACP: Well, I hope you don’t stop existing before you pay off the bet you lost to me on the Super Bowl last year. Dude, that’s a lot of green you owe!

JC: I’ll pay it! Stop bugging me about it, or I’ll turn you into a newt. I’m not retired yet, wise-ass.

TACP: Fine. Don’t get all pissy. So, have any of the “old god” retirement homes been to your liking?

Jesus Thinking, "Why Didn't I Retire BEFORE This?"

Jesus Thinking, “Why Didn’t I Retire BEFORE This?”

JC: One has. It’s called, Retirement Villa For The Once Divine.  It’s located in Venice, Italy and is just beautiful. All the old Greco-Roman gods have retired there. Zeus, Hercules, Apollo, and Venus gave me a tour of the place and it seemed splendid. All I could ever need is there, as it will be for all eternity.  Pretty good bet that’s where I’m going as I already gave them a huge deposit to hold a room for me.

TACP: Oh, you gave THEM a deposit for a future room, but can’t pay what you owe me right now, is that how it works?

JC: Yes. Unless you want to spend eternity as a newt, that is!

TACP: No. I don’t. But thanks for the interview, JC. My readers will love it.  I’m going to see Mad Max: Fury Road in a few minutes. Are you interested in joining me?

JC: Sure. And since I owe you money, the tickets and popcorn are on me.

TACP: Awesome. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now let’s get going. I hear there’s a cool 3D Star Wars preview before the movie, and I don’t want to miss it.

The Words Narcissist And Narcissus Came From This Story

In the ancient Greek religion, Narcissus was a dude so in love with himself that all he did all day was sit and gaze at his image reflected in the water of a pond. Zeus saw this, and, being the ironic bugger he is ( I say “is” because we really can’t prove Zeus doesn’t exist, can we?), turned him into a flower that droops downwards in order to see its reflection in water. We get the name of the flowering bulbs we call narcissus from this story. And we get the term “narcissist” from it which refers to people who are in love with themselves and their own reflections so much they exclude all else. Some of the flowering bulbs in this group are daffodils, paper whites, and jonquils.  Here are some pictures of narcissists you may very well know, not all of them are flowers.

Narcissists AND Gay, Too

1. Narcissists Who Happen To Be Gay, Too

It Doesn't Get Smugger Than This Narcissist

2. You Can’t Get Smugger Than This Narcissist

Narcissist Me At The Nobel Prize Nominations Last Year

3. Narcissist Me At The Nobel Prize Nominations Last Year

The Beautiful, If Smelly, Paper White Flower

4. The Beautiful, If Smelly, Paper White Flower

A Smug Narcissist Thinking Only Of Himself

5. A Smug Narcissist Thinking Only Of Himself

Me Again Because I Love Myself

6. Me Again Because I Love Myself

Zeus Destroys Yemen With Massive Bolts Of Lightning

Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning