Theocrat Town, Texas. Ted Cruz today released a statement in which he claims all WordPress users are gay. “Since WordPress allows individuals a platform to express opinions that do not support Jesus, and me, Ted Cruz, his anointed spokesmen on Earth, I must concur, using the powerful brain Jesus gave me, that all WordPress users are gay. I don’t like gay people and think they’re icky. To get back at me, they’ve created WordPress to express themselves in ways I, and Jesus, do not condone. I find this offensive and a horrible violation of my right, as a Christian, to cram my religion up the asses of every man, woman, and child in America. Once I’m President, I’ll put an end to WordPress, gays, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, poor people, disabled people, liberals and everyone else in America who refuses to kiss my rectum and follow my religion. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
“Internet traffic froze this morning for a fraction of a millisecond in honor of The Arm Chair Pontificator which published its 3 millionth post at 8:54 AM, CST,” said WordPress publicist, Fr. Peddy O’File.
“We here at WordPress have never known one of our blogs to be so popular, so pertinent, and so bloody Nobel Prize worthy as to inspire its author to publish 3 million posts in just 16 months. Our hats are off to you, Mr. Pontificator. We thank you. We congratulate you. And we beg you, kind Sir, to please sire children with every fertile woman who works for us in order to insure the survival of your manly, brilliant, Nobel Prize worthy DNA. Do this, if not for yourself, because we know how modest you are, then for the billions of readers whose lives will lose all meaning should your DNA not be passed on to another, Nobel Prize worthy, being like yourself. Congratulations once again, and thank you. Thank you from the deepest, darkest corners of all our souls here at WordPress, for being such an important, central part of our blogging family. $Amen$”
This morning I received the following email from the CEO of WordPress, Fr. Phil MeCrackin. I assure you on the graves of your own ancestors, my dear readers, that what you are about to read is as true now as it was the minute I made it up.
“Dear Pontificator: My name is Fr. Phil MeCrackin. I am the CEO of WordPress and have held that position for almost 70 years now. I am writing to provide you with statistical information pertinent to your blog for 2014. Before I give it to you, however, I must take a moment to tell you that never once, in all the years I’ve been at WordPress, have I come across a blog more Nobel Prize worthy than yours. You’ve not only made me laugh so hard at times I peed a little, you’ve made me weep openly with your Pulitzer Prize worthy editorials and your Shakespeare-like skills as a poet. As a non-gay, masculine white male, I feel completely secure in telling you, Mr. Pontificator, that I love you with all that I am for being exactly who it is you are: A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner and a pontificator extraordinaire. Thank you, Sir, for making the lives of the billions you reach every day with your blog brighter for having read it. If I were there beside you at this moment, I’d kiss you so hard your lips would bleed. But, since I’m not, I’ll simply have to leave you with the 2014 stats for your blog. Adieu, my friend. Adieu.”
Number of Followers: 6.4 Billion
Number of Restraining Orders Filed Against TACP by The Nobel Prize Committee: 677
Number of Restraining Orders Filed Against Martin Scorsese by TACP: 21
Number of Christians Who Picketed WordPress for Publishing TACP: 7.8 million
Number of Prank Calls Made to The Vatican by TACP: 7032
Number of Prank Calls Made by The Vatican to TACP: 8045
Number of Times TACP Made Shit Up and Said It Was Real: Too many to count.
Number of Times Angelina Jolie Called TACP Wanting to Have Sex: 465
And Lastly, Number of Thanks TACP Has for Readers of His Blog: Infinite. Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog this past year for fun, laughs, and a lot of pontificating. There’s a lot more to come in 2015, so stayed tuned.