Hi, ebryone, I’m J..osh, ‘n I’m a Chriztion, I’m neeked, ‘n I’m drunk ‘cauze I drunk a ton ‘o beerz dis mornin’. BURP! I’m here ta tellz ya ’bout a guy who…BURP!..iz always walkin’…be..BURP!..hind ya. ‘Ez a GREAAAAT guy, too, ‘n ‘iz name ‘iz…wait…’iz name iz….Jimmy? Naw, dat guy was my college roomie but ‘e wasn’t like da guy walkin’ wit ya when yer…BURP!!…in need ov a godly brewskee. Dat guyz name iz…Oh, right, ‘ez Jezuz! He got..murdered ‘n wanted to ‘n then ‘e….whad ‘e do now? Oh, right! ‘E came back ta life…’n ‘e waz a zombie, ‘n ‘e….BURP!!!…No, wait. I’m thinkin’ ov dat AMC show wit zombies, Da Walkin’ Fred. Dat ain’t Jezuz. Jezuz iz a…BELCH! George Romero creation ‘n ‘e kin only die if ya shoot ’em in da ‘ead. But, ‘ez always wit ya, ‘n if ya needs ’em, juz look behind ya, ‘n he’ll be der wit an open beer fer ya…BURP!…datz da shit I’m talkin’ ’bout, man! Datz da shit! See ya’z later, I gotta go worshup da porcelain goddess. BURP!
Here are a few original shows now in production for our new video streaming service, PontificatorFlix. It will be available starting this June for a small monthly fee of two Christian infants and a donkey not weighing less than 100 pounds. Sign up now, and receive a free set of Republican-Thumpin’ brass knuckles designed to knock even the densest Republican brain into oblivion.
1.) Another Brokeback Mountain: A 13 part mini-series that stars Creationist, Ken Ham and Christian apologist, William Lane Craig as two self-aggrandizing Christian bigots who “cute meet” at a God hates fags rally in Texas and, ironically, fall head over heels in love with each other. Watch the hilarity as Ken and William have heated discussions on who’s gonna pitch, who’s gonna catch, and what type of lube is best to avoid anal chaffing. This one’s gonna be fun for the whole family, folks!
2.) The Walking Fred: Freddie Mercury returns from the grave and walks the earth looking for other undead musicians in order to create a new band called, The Risen Queen. Enjoy great music and shocking, gore-filled special effects in this soon to be classic horror show produced exclusively for PontificatorFlix.
3.) Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day: Former U.S. Vice-President and rat-bastard extraordinaire, Dick Cheney, awakes one day to discover he’s been transformed into a 30-year-old, female, Asian prostitute enslaved to a sadistic Iraqi army general named, Eval Mean Dude. Watch in joyful glee as the former V.P. embarks on a life of sexual slavery in a country he once bombed into oblivion while looking for weapons of mass destruction that never existed. This one is rated TVMA for its graphic, and repeated, use of the phrase: “Republican mother fucker, take that!”
That’s all for now, but check back soon for more info on more shows coming soon to PontificatorFlix.