Vatican City, Rome. In crazy news out of the Vatican this morning, Vatican spokesman, Fr. Phil Mebuttup, has announced Pope Francis lost his faith last night after sneezing very hard. “I heard a loud, ah-choo come from the Pope’s room,” Fr. Mebuttup said, “and when I went to see if he was alright, he told me he had sneezed so hard it blew his faith in Jesus right out of his head. He told me from now on he wanted to be called Robert Malinowski. He also said he would be leaving the Vatican today to retire in Miami, Florida. He said to say goodbye to his former followers, and he wished them the best. He also wished the Church good luck in finding its next Pope. As a farewell present, some of the priests in Vatican City have given the former Pope a certificate for a lifetime supply of Kleenex and a large card which reads, God Bless You.”
Well, SOME gay marriage that is. Fr. Tom McStrokin’, the Vatican’s chief expert on right and wrong, issued a proclamation today stating that marriage between members of the same-sex is not only acceptable, but desired. That is as long as the same-sex members involved are smoking hot young women.
“Here at Vatican headquarters,” McStrokin’ said, “we find sexual activity between two smokin’ hot babes to be a turn on and beautiful. And because WE are turned on by this, and WE determine what is normal or aberrant behavior in others, WE say two babes getting married rocks! We are recommending that all Christian denominations follow our lead in this as well as all of America. The more hot young babes who marry, the more young hot lesbian sex there will be! And that is something we here at the Vatican most definitely see as morally righteous and healthy. Yours in Christ, Fr. Tom McStrokin’ ”
In Rome this morning, Fr. Peter Doodelbug, Chief Archeologist of the Vatican, revealed this photograph of The Shroud of Turin which he claims he personally took just yesterday.
“I rolled the Shroud back to take a little peek last night, and its eyes opened! Good thing I had my phone camera on me and was able to take this picture. I also could swear I heard the Shroud speak. It said, ‘Wadda YOU lookin at man?!’ or something to that effect,” Fr. Doodelbug said, as he rode an exercise bike in the Vatican gym while conducting this interview.
This recent U.N. report on the Vatican’s despicable, decades long, behavior in its handling of little boy priest rapists is one the Church needed to take humbly, with the utmost respect and seriousness. UN report urges Vatican to act over child sex abuse | euronews, world news
Of course, true to form, they didn’t. Instead, they attacked the U.N. report for what they claim is an “unfair” and “distorted” portrayal of the Church. Vatican calls UN child abuse report ‘distorted’ and ‘unfair’ | euronews, world news
Here’s my distorted and very fair response to the Catholic Church: FUCK YOU! Really fellas, fuck you! Every damn Cardinal, Bishop, and Pope who’s ever been involved in the moving of child rapist priests from one unsuspecting community to another needs to be charged with crimes against humanity and imprisoned til the flesh rots from their bones. The Church needs to be forcibly liquidated: its great wealth then given to the victims of the child predators it has so ubiquitously created and protected all these years. Period. End of the fucking story.
It is time we, as a species of cognitive creatures, place the well-being of our children above our deference for organized religions and their insipid, insulting concept that invisible realms and beings are more important than the one’s that exist right here, right now. I’m sick of hearing how children are considered to be valued above all else in our society when it is damn clear they most definitely are not. Deference to invisible deities and those institutions that promote their ultimate importance over reality are what we hold most sacred as a society. If our children were as important as we claim they are, their value to us would supersede all else. ALL else. And fuck anyone who tries to argue to the contrary. The reality of what we, as a society, have allowed the Catholic Church to get away with, right in front of our eyes, for decades, annihilates any such argument before it can even begin. Enough already.
Rome, Italy. Millions of Roman Catholics were stunned this morning when Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, appeared on Fox News to announce the Pope, and all other Catholic Clergy, had been removed from the Vatican by Imperial Storm Troopers so that he could move into it. “I have been contemplating retirement for some time now,” Lord Vader breathed heavily to Fox reporter Megyn Kelly, “and the Vatican seemed an impressive place for me to retire to, most impressive, indeed. I found the faith of its Clerical occupants, however, to be insignificant when compared to the POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE, so I had them removed to an Imperial penal colony on Bespin before moving in.
Their sniveling and postulating about their rights as Vatican citizens failed to impress upon me anything other than mild annoyance. To teach them the TRUE meaning of POWER, and to REVENGE my Sith- self upon them for causing me the above mentioned mild annoyance, I decided to question several of them with the assistance of an Imperial Mind Probe Torture Droid as they were packing their belongings for their move to Bespin. As I really had no questions to ask them, knowing nothing about them, I simply asked them to repeat, 1000 times each, that I, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of The Sith, was THE MOST POWERFUL BEING any of them had ever met and all else paled in significance when compared to the POWER of THE DARK SIDE of the FORCE. After completing this task, they left for Bespin. And now that I’ve moved in to Vatican City, I ask that all former followers of the former Catholic leaders of the city pick another leader to follow, for if I am disturbed in my retirement, those disturbing me will experience the FULL POWER of the DARK SIDE of the FORCE!”